I think my dh may have asperger's syndrome

[chopstix]

After years of incomprehension and increasing tension, the specialist who is atm examining our dd for "behavioral problems" thinks that the problem may actually be with dh. He mentioned autistic symptoms, asperger's syndrome...

The doctor didn't have time to go into detail and in fact has only met dh once. When I came home, I googled autism/asperger's & the descriptions almost exactly describe my dh. What do I do now?

He has always been moody and "difficult" but has been worse in the past few months. Now things have reached a crisis in that dd and ds have been responding badly to dh's behavior. He has always insisted that he is not the one with a problem. He refuses to get help but his behavior is so strange that I am frightened of him. What can I do? Are we in any danger? Please, please help!

p.s. I am a regular MNer under a pseudonym

There is a book called "my aspergers marriage" which my friend raved about, as her DH is aspergers.

aspergers doesnt "get worse" - it would be traits he always had. diagnosis is not done on one meeting and hearsay....

"getting worse" is something else. maybe he is stressed over dd and ds behaviour and possible diagnosis? but he is the other adult here...

what frightens you about his behaviour?
what frightens the dcs?
start keeping a log/diary of what he does that concerns you.

try and focus initially on one specific behaviour that he does - and tell him it frightens you and could he try and do xxxxx instead? if there is rational alternative then he should accept this - aspergers or not!

Hang on a sec. Is the specialist saying the kids' tensions are a reaction to DH's behaviour? Or is he saying he suspects ASD in DD, therefore DH is probably autistic?

If the former, it does seem strange that he'd issue such an informal 'diagnosis' - I'd guess he's seen a great many disordered families, though, and would have been speaking, in a "top of the head" sort of way, from experience.

The most worrying part of your post is that you're feeling frightened by your H's behaviours, and it's been getting worse. I'd imagine diagnosis is less important, right now, than stabilising your family environment. Cest's suggestions, about starting a diary/log and asking for one specific change, are both very good imo.

I'd disagree that Asperger's doesn't get worse. It really does, with age. And - even if not as a 'direct' result of the condition - frightening temper outbursts, weird controlling behaviours and confusing misperceptions can certainly become a feature of life with an Aspie. The fact of the condition doesn't make this any easier or safer to live with.

One step at a time, Chopstix ... Cest's suggestions will, at least, give you the feeling you have something to work with. Good luck

there is a discussion here on aspergers getting worse with age - or not

www.psychforums.com/asperger-syndrome/topic34916.html

have a read op - (bearing in mind these are people who have recognized / been given / accepted their diagnosis already)
see for example
by plicketycat » Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:59 pm

I don't necessarily think your Aspergers gets worse as you get older, or better for that matter. The things you're doing and the skills you've learned can either help you manage your condition, or make things go out of control. Stress fluctuates, and stress/anxiety makes our coping mechanisms less effective. So, sometimes, it looks like we're getting worse as we get older because there are life changes that are very stressful... spouse, kids, home, job, etc. The longer you work, the more "upper level" you are generally expected to become, so you get promoted into a job that has more social interaction... eeeek stress and failure!

it is about coping mechanisms - if your DH doesnt recognize what he does as "wrong" or accept his stress needs addressing - then he might not have those coping mechanisms...and then you are getting into the realms of whether his beavour is under his control or not - but even if he has a condition like AS - it does not mean you have to put up with behaviour that frightens you.

if out of his control - he neeeds help to develop strategies
if within his control - it becomes abusive

I have just left an aspie husband after 14 years of marriage. I tried to live and accept his traits, but over time I had to acknowledge the effect he was having on my mental health, and the well being of our kids. My ex's controlling behaviour has worsened, particularly as the children grew up. He could not cope with teenager behaviour, and there were increasing attempts to 'control' our older kids thoughts and actions.
I m not sure if he got worse with age, or whether his antics just wore me down overtime. Certainly aspies are worse under stress, and in my case the stress was our children maturing, and the subtle change in family life that comes with my changing role. As I had more freedom from the demands of small children, the more controlling and critical my ex became. In the end I had to face reality - it was abuse.

Thank you! All the advice has been spot on. I talked to another psy and he also pointed out that such a diagnosis is impossible after one meeting. Although dd's psy DID NOT diagnose dh, he made a passing observation that dh's behavior, from what dd & I have described and from his one meeting with him, that autism/asperger's crossed his mind. Of course, he shouldn't have said that to me as it had the effect of a nuclear bomb on my already precarious state of mind - worried sick, terrified, sleep-deprived, etc - but he is quite young and inexperienced...

Thank you all again. MN to the rescue once again! Will keep you posted. xx

if you feel able to, I think you should tell that psychlogist the effect of his off-the-top-of-his-head comment had on you. IMO he was quite inappropriate. He may be young and inexperienced but he needs to be aware of the effect this kind of thing has on people....