I worry about my friend

[PorphyrophillicPixie]

I know there is nothing that I can do but I would like to know if my worries are unfounded or if you think this is weird as well.

In my group of 'girlfriends' it's just me and two others. We're all 21, one (X) is engaged to a lovely guy and they have a son who's a year old, a house, etc. The other (Z) is still in uni (finishes this year) and is dating a 29/30 year old.

I just worry about Z and her boyfriend (ZOH), me and X aren't keen on him which may be clouding our judgement but we've honestly tried to like him but he's not making it any easier! We really worryabout Z.

Z and ZOH got together around 4 years ago now I think, when she was 17. We were all in college still and most of the group back then thought it was odd for a guy in his late twenties to be dating a girl still in college. It didn't surprise us though as she is a Daddy's girl, always been pampered and comes from a family with a considerable amount of money, and then she started dating the manager of a London Bank, ZOH, very well off and his own place, etc etc.

I've always been concerned but left her to it, I met him once in the first year and he was dimissive and cold towards me but I brushed it off as him caring for her as she was wasted. I met him the second time earlier this year at mine and her godsons christening (child of X).
We all went for a drink with the other set of godparents, the parents and a few family members afterwards. During the time we were there me and X along with out OH's kept trying to engage him in convo but he wasn't having any of it, and when he did speak to us he was very condescending. Z says that he's 'just shy' or 'trying to be funny', it really felt like he just didn't respect any of us though, even X's OH who's only a few years younger than him.

Z is devoted to him and we regularly meet up (me, X and Z) and every time now she comes out with things like "Oh, ZOH says this so that's what is happening." and obviously, being young women with partners, we all talk about marriage and she is desperate for him to propose, makes hints, tells him outright and everything else. She's also desperate to move in with him and pay her way, etc, but he's told her that he won't move in with her until they can buy a house together, and she's got to save up her part of the deposit. Fair enough, but why not rent first? See if they can handle living together? He's also made no hint at asking her about the future and when we joked about the future in front of him he just cringed and stayed silent.

I'm realy worried that she's going to be terribly hurt if this goes sour. I'm really trying to hope that he is just shy and that he's just waiting for her to finish uni and whatever before discussing their future but I can't help but think that that isn't the case

Please set me straight, does this sound dodgy to you or just a guy being cautious?

& Sorry for the essay, I've tried to include as much in as possible without revealing too much!

I've tried to offer a solution in the form of a simultaneous equation because of all the X, Y and Zs but I can't. She will have to come to the conclusion herself I'm afraid. No matter how many pointers you give she will resent any interference. He may just being cautious, who know? Either way you can only be there to support your friend not make judgements about her choice of boyfriends

Not a lot you can do, tbh. Be there for her if it falls apart. But whatever you do, don't slag him off to her. Even if they have broken up. They may get back together then you'll be the bad guy.
I would keep an eye on her, don't let her drift off into isolation with him. Keep calling, inviting her out, that sort of thing.
If he is a bit of an arse (or worse) he may be undermining her friendship with you, and she may end up too dependent on him.

I'm more worried about a group of young women in 2010 meeting up and discussing marriage and "when he's going to propose". You're all 21 - but if any of you really want to get married so young, just say so and ask your partners. They have the right to say no, though.

I also wouldn't be as worried about her partner's commitment phobia as his rudeness and dismissiveness to her friends - and the fact that she makes excuses for him.

You could gently ask her why she feels the need to make excuses for him, keep asking her what SHE wants to do, rather than him - and if it were me and he was rude and dismissive again, I'd challenge him directly, instead of talking to your friend about him, since he's not her responsibility.

scurry: I am just hoping it's him being cautious Trying very hard not to make judgements but he's so difficult He just comes across as so high and mighty and makes us feel like he doesn't want anything to do with us and that we're below him. I'm hoping that she can convince him to come out with us again so that we can try get something from him, even if it's a quick "How're you?" or something. It would feel like a bit of progress!

wukter: too late for that, I accidentally brought it up at the beginning of the year to her and learnt my lesson! (I mentioned that he seemed a bit off when I first met him and she blew her top off which led to me trying to explain myself and the opinions of my 17yo self.) But she forgave and forgot thankfully! Only problem with keeping her in touch with us is that I'm often away for months at a time, so it's difficult for me to keep seeing them, but other friend is very good at keeping her involved.

Whenwill: one of us is already engaged, I'm not ready for it just yet but cannot wait to settle down with my OH (after travelling and having fun first!) and Z is very traditionalist, as is her OH so her asking would be a huge no-no according to him

I will try engage him more when/if he comes out again and see if the same happens. I can't ask her why she makes excuses for him as she'll take it as a direct attack on her iyswim? After the aforeentioned incident she kept making comments about his shyness and attitude for months to our other friend but in front of me. If I say anything I'll lose her and I don't want that to happen. If he is like it to me of X again though I think I will confront him, maybe he might realise how he comes across and try to loosen those barriersa bit.

Thank you for responding by the way! It's been praying on my mind a lot recently but I never thought to ask on here!