trust after betrayal

[bubble1]

is it ever possible to trust husband again after betrayal?
been married ten years with 3 kids but had a few probs in communication in marriage lately...just not really talked to each other much. few days ago dh acting suss with his blackberry...trying to hide it from me when i walked in room. asked him what he was doing and he said he was updating his wall on facebook. when he went out later i went on comp read his wall and found he had been sending flirty messages to a new female friend, telling her how pretty she was and asking her about her love life...really flirty stuff. confronted him when he came home and he just made out it was a joke and i was overreacting. AM I? not first time this has happened but no real evidence of affairs just gut feeling.

is this fb thing the betrayal, or was that something else?

facebook was always the prob. when he first joined i knew it would trouble...he seems to be using it to contact as may women as possible...most of them are friends of friends or women that he has only met before once or twice in the pub. he goes on every day and some messages are innocent enough ...but the ones he sends to other women can be really too friendly...comments about thier looks and photos etc.
have threatened him with divorce if he doesnt stop acting like single man but he seems to think im in wrong for checking up on him and now carries his blackberry with him everywhere. i hate this gut churning feeling everytime he goes online but i dont want to keep reading his wall...wont he know i have?

There may be trust after betrayal - lots of very helpful and insightful poeple will probably be along soon to help but... only after the betrayal has been acknowledged, terminated (!!!) discussed, worked thru' together, and the betraying party has taken concrete steps to make amends - quite a bit further on...

but am i being betrayed or just being paranoid...is it me blowing it all out of proportion?
i dont know if he has ever cheated on me he says not but why does he feel the need to have chats with women he barely knows when he should only say these things to me?
we had a big argument about his acting like a sinle bloke and cleared the air sort of...well he seems satisfied its sorted. but i still have this churning sickness in my stomach telling me that something bad is going on..he just denies everything.
how cn i regain my sanity and peace of mind?

from your post I thought there had been a definite betrayal and now you were worried about him flirting on facebook.

I'm not sure facebook is the problem, he doesn't seem to be acknowledging that you are upset by it. do you think you have explained it well enough? do you think you have a bit of a communication problem?

he has always been a very friendly type and will basically talk to anyone. i however have always been really shy and tend to keep myself to myself.
but in a relationship i always wear my heart on my sleeve, i will swear undying love every day etc. but he just doe not talk the same way...not to me anyway. i have to ask him if he loves me and he always says of course i do. this bugs me and makes me feel that no matter how long we discuss this problem we will never resolve it because we are not on the same wavelength emotionally.

I would be seriosuly pissed off with my DH was constantly flirting with other woen, Facebook or otherwise

It makes you look like a fool, and no fucker will do that to me

I am quite capable of making a fool of myself thank you very much

Tell him to quit it, it is disrespectful to you

The problem is, if he is determined to carry on acting like the single bloke, you will make him even more secretive

But then I guess you would have your answer

Someone who has nothing to hide, doesn't act in a shady manner

I think you need to decide what YOU WANT. I suspect that you want him to respect your feelings, stop acting like he's single, scrap posting messages every 5 seconds to every woman on FB and start acting like he loves and respects you.

Can he/will he do it? Does he care? If the answer is no then I personally would be asking him to pack his bags.

Yes, he is betraying you and he is making a fool of you by sending messages to all and sundry on FB. Life experience has taught me that people will treat you like a doormat unless you stick up for yourself and tell them their behaviour is unacceptable and you are not prepared to put up with crap.

Be strong. Lots of MN friends on here for you!

AF - you make me laugh

'you are quite capable of making a fool of yourself'

I am going to use that one if I may.

But yes - sometimes you do need to tell people how you want to be treated - if then then choose to disrespect you then you have your own choice to make.

You may use my phrase, HW

Never a truer word has been spoken (in my case anyways, I dunno about you )

bubble - you don't really have to ask if you're over-reacting do you? This is not acceptable at all. He would bloody hate it if you were commenting on random blokes' looks on FB and asking them about their sex lives, wouldn't he? How old are you both - I just can't believe how stupid people seem to have become around Facebook, it seems to dominate peoples' lives.

Your H is being massively disrespectful. If he didn't think it was shitty behaviour, he wouldn't have hidden it would he?

You say you have been communicating poorly, so unless you think he's getting up to worse and want to start digging for more evidence, it's high time you sat him down and stated your boundaries and the repercussions that WILL happen if he carries on.

Ask him what he's getting out of these interactions and why he feels the need to do it. Get to the bottom of it bubble or worse will follow, I'm afraid.