does relate help

[wonderif]

end off tether and its either move out or go to relate.

am very angry and cross, no other woman etc just general stuff causing rows, money chores, drink, etc etc.

I have been looking into relate aswell. I will be watching this topic with interest.

No one along with advice yet?

gonetoofar its expensive isnt it?

yes I think it helps, just having someone listen and maybe point out where you are being unreasonable, and how you could have dealt with a particular situation.

sorry to be gloomy early on...and i'm sure lots of others found/find it helpful, but relate didn't really work for me and partner. mind you, i could talk our problems through at the time, he just wasn't really ready or up for it. think he just went because i wanted to. our counsellor was a bit wet too if i'm honest.

having said that, we did eventually work our problems out and things are great now(3-4 yrs later), so maybe relate was just one part of the process and one of the steps we had to go through? i'm prepared to accept i suppose that in the grand scheme of us fixing things, it played a (minor) role. -iyswim.

re cost it was about 20 to 30 quid a session i recall. worse still-i paid for it!! ha ha what a pillock.

i found it worked cos the counsellor pointed out to H that he was being unreasonable. I couldn't make him see that!
She was pretty tough.

We're there at the moment, I agree a lot of it depends on the counsellor. The cost is on a sliding scale, but for us with me on maternity and dh on a public sector salary (i.e. low!) we still have to pay £40 a time.
Not sure whether it will work, think you both have to be willing to try hard. I suspect in my case DH is just paying lip service by going

It helped us, but we were both equally willing to go. Think it helped that we both went in knowing that we loved each other and we really wanted to make it work.

And, yes, it was expensive, but I can honestly say I don't regret a penny of it.

It cost £45 for an hour, but they pointed out that if I was on income support etc then maybe I could get it cheaper.
I went for 4 sessions by myself about 3 months after STBEXH left. I was struggling with my every changing emotions, rage and sadness, one extreme to the other. Looking for answers as to why he did it, he wasn't giving me any.
I found it helpful in that the counsellor posed questions from angles I hadn't considered before, made me ask questions of myself and of our relationship. Enabled me to come to some of the answers for myself.
Maybe I was lucky and got a good counsellor to start with.

many thanks for all your replys

will think about it more now and maybe give it a go!

I tried relate twice, once on my own, and then once with h when he felt ready to admit we were at breaking point.

The best thing about going with him was the increase in his self knowledge, ie looking at family patterns of communication and behaviour, which he had never, at the age of38, thought about before.

But I found relate ultimately sexist and patronising with a very pro marriage agenda, and basically the advice after 6 months of painful counselling was - to me, not to him - Buy some frilly pants and cuddle up on the sofa. FFS.

But then I found Rachel, and she is a goddess.
She is a relationship counsellor who truly manages to cut through the crap and I can strongly recommend her. She enabled me and h to communicate much better and not get enmired in history, and even though we are stll separating, we are doing it amicably and without creating extra shit for our kids now. So if you would like her details - don't know where you are - then CAT me.

wickerman - interesting what you say about your experience. Ours seems ok but there is an element of 'what can we fix this week' rather than maybe acknowledging how near to breaking point I am, even though I've said that to her albeit in a solo session.

Where are you based? Is your goddess in the south east by any chance?

As others have said, you must both really want the relationship to work otherwise it is pointless going.

Each Relate office seems to charge different amounts and dont forget, it is a charity, some people have to pay the top end rate to cover the people who cant pay.

Dont limit yourself to Relate. We weren't happy with Relate (more about the individual counsellor) so I looked in the yellow pages and found an independant relationship counsellor locally. She was much better but we still didn't get anywhere because feckless H wasn't really interested.

I am thinking of returning on my own.

Good Luck

We tried it - I think it's fantastic, gives so much objectivity. We are still divorcing, but it did bring clarity and give a chance to get a lot off our chests. I would really recommend it - it helps you communicate whatever the outcome and that itself brings a lot of peace.

We went to relate and felt very rushed. Almost like they wanted us 'fixed' so they could move on to the next couple.

We eventually found a very good relationship counsellor who was independent and didn't cost that much more than relate.

I went to relate with XDH over 10 years ago, also at breaking point. They charged £30 an hour then, which was difficult when financial problems were in issue in themself. I thought the counsellor was a bit 'wet', but think that their remit is to listen and ask questions, but not point you in any particular direction, i.e. help you as a couple or individual work through things and find your answer(s). Plus I guess they cannot be seen to 'take sides' as that would somewhat scupper the whole process.

After 4 sessions however, the counsellor did acknowledge that my XDH was displaying very unreasonable behaviour, and told us that we would be better off separating. That third party opinion was one of the 'green lights' I needed to make the decision to leave, one I have never regretted.

If you can get a recommendation for an independent local counsellor, then you could try both and see whose approach you prefer (although that could in itself cause rows!) Hope things work out for you - even if (like me) they are not what you hope for initially.

Relate for me has been brilliant. We had a very experienced counsellor. They shouldn't really have an agenda. Their aim should not always be to keep you together. I am now separated but that was the best thing for me and the counsellor helped me work that out. I still go and it's helping me through the whole process. They will help with communication skills etc. They are highly trained. The only counselling charity that train people up to graduate and post graduate level. But you have to give it a fair chance. They can't fix it in a couple of sessions. And as ever with counselling part of the process can feel that it gets worse before it gets better as feelings etc are unearthed. It's well worth the money if it helps you make good decisions for your future I think - it's an investment in youself and you are always worth that.

Hello yes she is in the southeast, near Stevenage.

Her email is [email protected]

And she is AMAZING.

You could drop her a line and see if her methods/attitude are a good fit with yours.

But even if you went to her alone, without your h, I think you would get clarity, strength, and courage from it.

GOod luck.

wickerman - thanks for the info. I will bear her in mind if ours doesn't seem to be moving us forward.