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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm not doing enough housework!

17 replies

mumwifemaggie · 22/04/2010 13:28

DH had a right go at me last night that he came in from a 10 hour shift and the washing basket was full. He also had to look after our DC and put them to bed as I was visiting my mum who's been in hospital for 2 weeks. I also started a new p/t job last week, only 2 sessions at 4 hours each and he has to look after the DC then as well.

He moaned that I've been taking him for granted (which I kinda have) and that I blew things way out of proportion when I shouted back at him last night after he made me list the number of chores I'd done about the house.

My last post was about my lack of sex drive and I don't think that's helping matters.

I was so furious yesterday and now I'm still running things thru in my mind. He'd got me to the point of apologising, and promising I'd do more about the house. The house isn't always spotless, but its usually tidy and clean and I do a lot around the house that seems to go un-noticed by him.

He's usually great about helping out, we both cook, he usually does the washing and the garden but I do most of the cleaning and tidy up after the kids.

Am I being too sensitive (PMT to blame apparantly)? I think we're both tired from all thats been going on but I didn't think I deserved that.

Think I feel better for ranting!

OP posts:

MaryBS · 22/04/2010 13:30

I think he's a jerk and a control freak, sorry - you didn't deserve it.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/04/2010 13:35

sounds like me exh

Sparks · 22/04/2010 13:41

The washing basket was full? So what?

The dc are more important than housework. Visiting your mum in hospital is more important than housework. Your new job is more important than housework.

You definitely didn't deserve it.

Miggsie · 22/04/2010 13:45

...he made you list the chores you had done round the house?

WHAT?!

Your mum is ill, you must be worried, so the washing didn't get done?! My DH would say "so what? Take some time to your self, housework can wait".

If your entire relationship depends on how clean the house is, then that's a crap relationship.

Sorry.

BTW I'm on the lack of libido thread too and although it doesn't help life, it does not mean I have to make up for it by being a brilliant housekeeper all of a sudden.

Original poster

mumwifemaggie · 22/04/2010 13:47

I said that to him as well. Also asked if there was anything he really needed out of the washing basket. No, its just the fact he couldn't get anything else into it!

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 22/04/2010 13:49

FFS he had to look after his own kids?!?

Well, yes, he should he is their father!

I am a full time sahm and if I sat on MN all day and did nothing around the house dh wouldn't say a word.

Your h is a prat, he clearly thinks he is the boss.

WolframAlpha · 22/04/2010 13:50

I don't know that he does sound awful tbh - the listing of what you've been doing must have riled, but if he's not usually like this - did he have a point? Do you think you are doing an equal share - do you have the same amount of free time?

ljgibbs · 22/04/2010 13:50

When he gets home tonight give him a list of all the jobs you have done today especially the 'unseen' jobs (don't mention MN though ) and tell him that is just a typical day.
Unfortunately some men do need it pointing out how much work is done running a home. I think that they think fairies come and do the work

HappyWoman · 22/04/2010 13:52

Do you think he was just stressed - i know i snapped at my h the other day and found it hard to back down. Its because i have been working longer hours and was tired.

You said you had been taking him for granted and that he usually does things around the house.

Say sorry to him for shouting at him (not for the arguemet) and make him feel guilty.

Original poster

mumwifemaggie · 22/04/2010 14:02

He's usually great around the house, helping out and he's fantastic with the DC.

We are going thru a stressful time, mum's illness, stress at work so I totally understand why he's being like this. I just didn't like the way he chose to do it, I'd just walked in the door from visiting mum in hospital.

I am at home a lot more than him, so have more time to do chores, but I can let things lie while playing and looking after my DD3 while the other kids are at school. DH is very regimental, he likes things done a certain way. Also, he'll do stuff in the garden even when I tell him to sit on his cheeks after he's had a long day.

I don't think he was being unreasonable, i just don't think he was being very understanding.

OP posts:

Mareta · 22/04/2010 14:20

I could have written your message myself. DP and I have been having very similar problems. DD is 8.5 months and does not stop. She has also been teething and has had very difficult nights which means I don't sleep a lot (he does not do nights because he is working and I am on maternity leave "not working").

My point is that he needs to realise how busy we can be with children and other things and if chores are not done is not because we don't want to do them. We have just not had time.

Lucky for me two weeks ago DD was having a very difficult day while DP was at home and he saw how little time I had to do anything and he appologised for all the crap he has been telling me for a while. Sometimes they think they can do more than us and when they have to face it they realise that is impossible.

Hope your DH sees this soon. Good luck

Ivykaty44 · 22/04/2010 14:22

what does he do arounf the house? not the garden but inside the house - can he list his chores?

ShinyAndNew · 22/04/2010 14:25

How many washing baskets do you have? If it's it only 1 your doing a hell of a lot better than me. Mine are all full.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a prat tbh.

frogetyfrog · 22/04/2010 14:32

''He's usually great about helping out, we both cook, he usually does the washing and the garden but I do most of the cleaning and tidy up after the kids.''

If its out of character does he have a point? I would not accept a bloke coming in and telling me to do more housework. But at the same time I would hate to be working 10 hour shifts, then come home to start again! Sounds to me like he normally does a lot bearing in mind he works long hours. Do you truthfully do as much as him (counting time actively looking after kids, cleaning, working, cooking etc). If so he is being an idiot. If not I think he has a point.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/04/2010 17:17

Going against the grain here. I work long days sometimes and if dh were only doing 8hours per week I would expect him to do the majority of the housework (within reason).

diddl · 22/04/2010 17:32

It also depends how much time the children take up as well.

OP, only you know if you could do more-but I think as you´re visiting your mum in hospital it´s not the best time for him to mention it!

It´s not that hard to put stuff in the washing machine-for either of you-it´s the hanging up/out, ironing & putting away that´s time consuming!

Original poster

mumwifemaggie · 22/04/2010 20:27

Thanks everyone, this has defo been the best sounding board!

We had a big talk earlier, it wasn't really about the chores, he's been stressed at work and as he's self employed he didn't want to worry me about it just now, so he's just "blown up" over nothing.

I feel really guilty now. Glad he's starting to talk to me tho, I'd much rather know about things than have blow ups all the time.

OP posts:

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