I've been married twice and am separated from second marriage for nearly 2 years. I can start divorce proceedings when the 2 years are up. I have 3 daughters aged 18, 14 and 10. First xh was a liar and financially abusive, he was having an affair when the marriage broke down but it wasn't the cause of the breakdown but a symptom of it. Second husband was/is emotionally abusive, a controlling martyr. I'm not completely blameless. I can see I have a tendency to be a martyr, needy etc but I've been working hard at recognising these things and tempering them.
During the 11 years I knew 2nd stb-xh there was a friend/aquaintence of his that would pop round sometimes or xh would go to his. I liked him, we have same sense of humour but we never talked without xh and it was always light banter. About 6 months before I left, about the same time that I finally made up my mind to leave, this friend stopped coming round.
Two months after I left, the friend (I will call him D) made contact. He told me that he would rather be my friend than xh's. He knew about the abuse that xh xw went through and had been keeping an eye on me during my marriage. He realised that he had feelings for me and stopped coming around when he realised how unhappy I was and he felt helpless to do anything about it. He knew that I was planning to leave 2 months before I did, although I left in secret, because his xw who was friends with xh xw, whom I had confided in, had told him. (I'm sorry if this is complicated lol). I realised that I had always been attracted to him, even though I hadn't realised at the time. So we started seeing each other.
He did say quite early on that he hadn't felt the way he felt about me for a long time and had thought he never would ever again.
We kept the relationship a secret because D was worried about how my xh would react during the divorce. I wasn't worried because we had already agreed to everything during mediation and both signed a separation agreement. D said that he is old fashioned and would rather wait until I was divorced.
About a month ago, my 10 year old spilt the beans, so now xh knows. He claims he had suspected it anyway. Xh's son and sons fiancee who live with xh know as well. Probably everyone knows by now.... except D's family (xw and 3 grown up sons). I feel quite hurt that he wants to keep me secret. It makes me feel as though I'm the other woman and that he is just enjoying having a secret affair.
D's youngest son, who is nearly 20, lives with him and is friends with xh's sons. I told D that I worry that his son will be hurt if he finds out about us from someone other than D. He is quite sensitive and idolises his Dad. D says that I think too much. He laughs things off to avoid discussing them. I persisted and he said that I was guilt tripping him and 'maybe he has been selfish' and he 'would sleep on it'.
D loves his work and is very busy. He comes around on Friday and Saturday nights and stays over. Sometimes he takes me out for something to eat and always insists on paying. We don't do anything else together. Sometimes I feel as though I am being used for free (fantastic) sex. He avoids saying "I love you" making a joke of it, saying "I llllllllike you" or "I loke you". We've been seeing each other 20 months. I've never stayed at his house. I haven't seen past his kitchen. He says that he had to make an agreement with his xw to not have women stay over while his son lives with him.
And yet, he is keen for my divorce with xh. He has asked if I plan to change my name after. And he has joked about putting £2.50 towards a house when I finally get my share of my old marital home (2/3) and can buy my own.
I think maybe it is bravado to cover what he really feels and wants. To be honest, I don't know what I want in the future either. I have two failed marriages, both abusive and have misgivings about my own behaviours and whether I'm really marriage material. I also have to bear in mind the needs and feelings of my children. My eldest has stipulated that she never ever wants another stepfather. But I know that I love him very much and imagine spending my life with him, doing usual everyday things together.
I'm really sorry this turned out so long.