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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

to travel or not to travel

11 replies

00Amber00 · 22/04/2010 10:09

hi everyone,

i've got a bit of a dilemma. in the light of circumstances i will talk about below do you think i should travel or stay to support my DH? my DH's mum has been diagnosed with cancer last year and has a couple of days ago been told it has spread. she is about to undergo another course of chemo but both DH and I do not think she has long left. we have flights booked to go away with out baby for the first time for this weekend. it is not a holiday as such as we are going to visit my parents who happen to live in an excellent location. last night DH said that being so upset and wanting to spend as much time as he can with his mum does not want to travel. i still do but feel awkward to suggest this to my DH. is he going to feel let down if I go? I would like to hear what you think.

Thanks.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/04/2010 10:17

stay with him and his mum - or at the very least cut short your holiday. how far away is the holiday? could you get back quickly?

if it was other way round how would you feel?

ask her doctors - how long does she have left?

if you go and she dies this will affect the rest of your lives....

Malificence · 22/04/2010 10:35

Don't go, he'll never forgive you if his mum dies while you're away, he will need you there for him. I couldn't have left DH alone while his mum was dying

DH has never forgiven his sister for not being there when their mum died, she only had to come 2 miles and still turned up an hour too late.

HappyWoman · 22/04/2010 10:44

well as it is not a family holiday as such and the only person who will suffer is you i think maybe you should cancel your plans until another time.

We did as a family go away even though we thought dh mum was dying. She actually died about 3 weeks after we returned.
We did think long and hard before going but as it was a long planned holiday and it would have meant the dc missing out we decieded to go. Dh spent some time with his mum before we went and i think he had sort of said his goodbyes then.

Original poster

00Amber00 · 22/04/2010 10:45

cestlavielife: will be going away for a week, i could come back earlier if anything happened. that's the thing i can't imagine how i'd feel if it was other way round coz it is not a "holiday" as such i'd be going on although don't think i'd be able to relax being away from him. can't ask the doctors as it is confidential etc. and can't ask her either for obvious reasons. you are right that should something happen while i am away i won't be able to forgive myself but then again i don't think we are looking at it being as sudden either. she is about to undergo another course of chemo.

OP posts:

Original poster

00Amber00 · 22/04/2010 10:49

Heppy woman: my DD is too young to remember it really but she has eczema and it would do her some good to go to a warmer place plus we have flights booked already even though money isn't important in the circumstances.

OP posts:

Original poster

00Amber00 · 22/04/2010 10:51

i guess i know what i should do and it is to stay with my dh, but can't help thinking we only live once and he so could do with a break himself. after all he's been stressed about his mum for almost a year now. tricky isn't the word!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/04/2010 11:18

exactly - you only live once - his mum will only die once....

you will get chances for breaks in the future.

the sun has come out here.... my part of uk anyway!

iceland volcano could erupt again...you could get stranded there...

Hassled · 22/04/2010 11:27

Just talk to your DH about it - tell him you're more than happy to stay if he needs the support, and see what he says.

LisaD1 · 22/04/2010 12:20

I couldn't leave my DH when he may need me the most (I say may as you cannot be sure if anything will happen while you're away).

If it were the other way around and my DH went away when I was at such a low point I don't think I would ever forgive him, especially if the worst happened during that time.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 22/04/2010 12:24

I really feel you must put your dh and his mother first!

LadyLapsang · 22/04/2010 23:01

You say you can't ask your MIL ' for obvious reasons' but actually both of you can be there, listen and hear what she says.

I would say if in doubt or your DH would prefer to be at home don't go. However, people can and do live many years with secondaries, I know two people in that situation at the moment, so perhaps it would be a good idea to get some medical insight. Of course life expectancy is not an exact science, so this will only be a guide and it could be inaccurate either way, but it may help.

In the scheme of things you probably won't miss your trip but if you persuade your DH to leave his mum when he doesn't want to it may cause long term rifts. From what you say I very much doubt she would die while you are away but if your DH says he doesn't want to go I think you should listen.

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