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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have been accused of having an affair

25 replies

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 07:52

It is totally 100% not true - on my son's life - I don't even see my friend in any other way than a good friend.

His fiance believes we have been having an affair for the last 2 years, despite me being pregnant and having a newborn.

Thankfully my husband has laughed it off and says he trusts me fully.

She's started to make comments about this to other people/comments on facebook.

Now my friend has said as of last night that it is dealt with but this has really upset me and he's asked me not to say anything further.

If it continues, I am not sure what to do. I don't want to cut ties with my friend - he's one of my bestfriends however, i will not stand for any further malicious crap that she choses to spout out.

If you were in my position, what would you do? I am worried that if I try to defend myself to her that she will see it as trying to cover my tracks. Part of me just thinks I should brush it off but I am the sort of person that prefers things to be in the open as it will just eat away at me!

HELP!

OP posts:

whatname · 22/04/2010 08:06

wait and talk to him and see how he has "dealt" with it.

fishie · 22/04/2010 08:10

if he's going to marry her then i can't see how you can carry on being friends if his wife doesn't trust you.

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 08:22

He said that he just spoke to her and told her it wasn't true and about me being pregnant, having a newborn and that my husband worked shifts and was ofen home during the day so how on earth were we meant to get up to anything.

Plus we employed him to do work at our home so of course, he had to be there during the day for about 2 months. He'd often pop up and tinker with cars with my husband in the garage, come for lunch, see our son - just all the stuff mates do.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 22/04/2010 08:23

I would drop them both, but speak to him first about slander and say that you will be forced to take action if she makes any more insinuations about you in public.

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 08:27

That is what my husband has just said.

I think i will just keep quiet and let the dust settle for a couple of weeks and see how things pan out. I thought I got on really well with her. That's the last time I go round with a hot meal and do her ironing when she's not well!

Thanks everyone. It helped putting things in writing.

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 22/04/2010 08:30

Does your new baby look like her fiance?

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 08:32

excuse me?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 22/04/2010 08:32

at Fab.

I would stay quiet and don't retaliate on facebook. Have you blocked her from seeing your facebook etc. She sounds nuts.

BitOfFun · 22/04/2010 08:33

countingto10 · 22/04/2010 09:36

Is it possible he is having an affair with someone else ?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 22/04/2010 09:47

I wasn't meaning anything flippant so no need for the face. It was merely a question as to a reason this woman thinks you have shagged her fiance.

LoveBeingAMummy · 22/04/2010 09:53

You should feel sorry for her and tell her so if she ever talks to you about this, she feels at your relationship with her bf and is scared she's losing him to you.

I wouldn't change anything you do, it will only make her think there is a reason for changing and her reason will be guilt.

pmsl @ fab

Quink · 22/04/2010 10:14

Have you looked at this from her POV? Maybe she sees her fiance spending a lot of time with another woman and feels that the closeness is impacting on the intimacy withing her own relationship. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but as the wife of a man who had an EA, it is very painful and it really messes with your head.

i think you should back off. He is planning on marrying this woman and he should be putting her and her feelings first here. Sorry.

EricPicklesFatNeck · 22/04/2010 10:18

why on earth is your friend still in a relationship with this women or does he enjoy being with insecure women?

Quink · 22/04/2010 10:25

Eric, she may not be an insecure woman. She may just be a woman who is made to feel insecure by her partner's behaviour. I don't know if you've been there, Eric, but please don't underestimate the effect of a partner's behaviour, even if it is innocent.

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 10:27

But he doesn't spend a lot of time with me! If he's at our home it is when my husband and son are around. I don't think we've been alone for want of a better word for years!

I never thought of her as being insecure but she must be to have come up with this. Looking back she's been with him for 8 years and known us since then and we've all gotten on really well until now.

I can't answer why he's still with her. House, children, day to day life, love? I don't know.

I will be backing off for a while though.

OP posts:

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 10:28

I suppose he may well be shagging someone else. Not that he's confided in us though.

OP posts:

EricPicklesFatNeck · 22/04/2010 10:29

yes either she is insecure or he is a dick. either way not your problem, abitlostandconfused, and i would kick both to the kerb.

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 10:32

I hear you eric but it is hard when it is a good friend of 12 years.

OP posts:

fridgeraiders · 22/04/2010 10:40

You've known them for 8 years and she is now accusing you of having an affair??

That's a bit weird. Maybe someone else has it right in that he is having an affair, just not with you. That would explain why he's trying to keep you out of it all.

I would make it very plain to BOTH of them that if she makes these public accusations again, you make seek legal recourse. Unfortunately I don't see you have much choice but to drop these friends - how can a friendship come back from this?

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 10:44

I've known him for 12 years. She came on the scene 8 years ago.

I think you are right fridge.

OP posts:

fridgeraiders · 22/04/2010 10:46

It sounds a bit like he's almost using you for cover. Maybe he has even claimed to be at yours when with possible OW and its all bit him on the arse. Very not fair to let you take the rap, it could have jepadised your own relationship.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/04/2010 11:30

This is madness. Go and TALK to her. Confront it head on - try and get to the bottom of why this is happening. Be the grown-up who doesn't post their grievances on FB or any other pathetic social networking site and just go back to good old-fashioned, face-to-face communication.

If she's been perfectly sane and likeable for 8 years, there is something going on here that you don't know about. I agree with others that it is most likely that he is up to something with someone else and she hasn't yet worked out who it is. Perhaps one of her mates who also live their life on Facebook put you in the frame, because they don't know you.

Don't lose a friendship of 12 years - go and front it out - with her on her own first and then perhaps with them as a couple.

Original poster

abitlostandconfused · 22/04/2010 11:40

Thanks for the above When.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/04/2010 18:51

Agree with WWIFN.

If a bloke suddenly accuses his wife of an affair, often HE is the one playing away....

could SHE be doing the dirty on him???

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