Massive blowout with MIL

[Brozzer]

I know MIL issues aren't rare on this site but I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation...

Last week I exploded at my MIL for the first time having buttoned it for 16 mths since my ds was born.
It all came out - her awful pushiness at the birth and insistence to see the newborn in hospital even though I'd said no and was in a dreadful state, bringing her boyfriend whom I had met twice with her

• inviting herself to our house the first night the baby left the hosp even though I'd said no to 'help'. She actually slept in the same room as the baby and fed him in the night.
• subsequent pressure to see the baby every 2 weeks with bossy demands of dates in diaries and much hassling to confirm
• pressure to always bring the baby to her even though she is an hour and a half away and we don't have a car
• crying to my dp that she felt let down when we had to change visit plans at the last minute
• snide comments about how 'the younger generation' don't handle birth very well etc etc

I told she had put unbearable pressure on her son and myself, that I wasn't a 'rent-a-womb'and we couldn't always facilitate her demands to see the grandson. She was astonished and very upset and is now not talking to us. Although I know I'm right and it had to come out, I still feel really guilty for hurting her feelings and not handling it better.

Does anyone have any thoughts?!

YEs Bozzer that's the thing, you could have not put it better: "She has got to realise that she doesn't own our arses because she is 'the grandmother'"

I would let her to take the first step and forget about DS spending time with her on his own until she has learned to respect you as a family.

P.S. We are a bit better but there are tons to do to get back to normal (if we ever do)

Oh God, this sounds familiar. My MIL and I have a similar relationship. I know she means well, but she is so mothering - and in my opinion smothering of my dd. It makes me feel possessive of dd which is totally irrational, and makes me v claustrophobic.

I had a huge barney with them a couple of months ago about it, and about how mil and fil think they can just call in without warning to see "their son and grand-daughter". They think dd will suffer if she doesn't see both sets of grandparents - how f*ing pompous can you get!

My only thought is "how on earth did you manage to keep the lid on that for 16 months?"

How does DP feel about it?

God, the more I read, the more I want to explode!! Can someone invent a magic wand - PLEASE!

Jesus it's incredible what so many of us have to put up with.
Hunker - dp is 'embarrassed' that his mother has caused us trouble - partic as my parents are very laidback and respectful of our space and haven't made a single demand since the baby was born. (If they had we couldn't have handled a double whammy of grandparental pressure - it would have been curtains for us). He acknowledges that MIL is demanding and has behaved insensitively but he still maintains that everything she's done, she's 'meant well' and she only did it through being 'over-excited' about the arrival of her first grandson. He also blames himself for not being a better 'gate-keeper.'

He doesn't see that she's a self-important bully who has never given my feelings a second's thought, even at my most vulnerable point eg horrible, frightening birth - at the end of which I was told the baby was injured and only had the use of one arm. He recovered in days - but I was deeply traumatised by the whole event and expected more sisterly behaviour from my partner's mother eg not piling into the hospital with her boyfriend uninvited, not encouraging her dreadful mother to fly from abroad as soon as the baby was born, not inviting her family to my flat for a tea party when I was crying in my bedroom wanting privacy. I have been an extra in the birth of this woman's grandson.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Jesus it's incredible what so many of us have to put up with.
Hunker - dp is 'embarrassed' that his mother has caused us trouble - partic as my parents are very laidback and respectful of our space and haven't made a single demand since the baby was born. (If they had we couldn't have handled a double whammy of grandparental pressure - it would have been curtains for us). He acknowledges that MIL is demanding and has behaved insensitively but he still maintains that everything she's done, she's 'meant well' and she only did it through being 'over-excited' about the arrival of her first grandson. He also blames himself for not being a better 'gate-keeper.'

He doesn't see that she's a self-important bully who has never given my feelings a second's thought, even at my most vulnerable point eg horrible, frightening birth - at the end of which I was told the baby was injured and only had the use of one arm. He recovered in days - but I was deeply traumatised by the whole event and expected more sisterly behaviour from my partner's mother eg not piling into the hospital with her boyfriend uninvited, not encouraging her dreadful mother to fly from abroad as soon as the baby was born, not inviting her family to my flat for a tea party when I was crying in my bedroom wanting privacy. I have been an extra in the birth of this woman's grandson.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

My MIL is currently not talking to us! Yippee!

A few hints why i am so glad:

When DH had depression (I am sure she was root cause) phoning him up after a suicide attempt and telling him he had nothing to be depressed about, he should try her life, and he was pushing her over the edge

Cancelling (or trying to- are we stupid?) the wedding photographer we had booked in order for her gardener, a hobbyist, to do it. Yeah, right.

Faking a faint due to menopause (the woman had an early menopause from hysterectomy ten years before) at the wedding, insisting on being taken home, then making a grand appearance during speeches- on our wedding video you can clearly hear DH's Aunt saying 'Bloody woman always needs to be centre of attention! (hee hee)

Disarming alarms in house that FIL had set, so allowing 12 month old DS3 access unsupervised to her very deep pond (we weren't there, last time she babysat)

Watching her dog bite DS2 then giving it a cuddle and saying 'ah, nasty kids in our space?)
(FIL threw dog into garden in disgust)

There's more but I won't keep you.

The only thing I have learned- and Is till get very upset and keep expecting her to change, and then being heartbroken when she doesn't- is to tell myself the woman is evil, repeatedly, and she has no friends because this isnhow she treats everyone. We keep our distance as much as possible, I won't talk to her on the phone or relay her cruel messages to DH, and letters get stored until we are able and strong enough to deal with bitchy contents.

it's sad, but it is definitely not our fault,
and it isn't yours either

'Ah, nasty kids in our space'??????????
PeachyClair, she sounds like she's not a very well woman.
Perhaps my MIL aint so bad. Must give her a ring and beg her forgiveness.

No! Mine is evil, that don't mean yours is OK!

Actually, she has got issues I think (including OCD but also i think depression) but would I dare to say that to her? Do I seem suicidal?

I'm ashamed to say that I found the 'grand appearance' during the wedding speeches very, very funny indeed. Sorry. I can really picture the scene. What a loon. At least your DH appears to be 100% on your side, which must keep you sane.

I think I can cope with this situation as long as my DP doesn't back down and claim Mummy has been hard done by. There will be many tears and victim speeches from her in the next few months, I'm sure. She's already said that she's astonished by my feelings because she thought we were friends and she's only ever tried to help and support me. This is a woman who WEPT to my dp when I cancelled one weekend visit for very good reasons, saying the baby was the only thing that made her happy (she wasn't well but surely no excuse???) and that she felt very let down indeed.
Now if that's not emotional blackmail then I will happily eat my bloody hat.
Ho hum.

"She's already said that she's astonished by my feelings because she thought we were friends and she's only ever tried to help and support me."

Why do they always manage to look at themselves as the victims??? MIL always said something like that after making negative comparison between me and DH's ex, making a racist comment, saying horrible things about my parents or even asking me to pretend that I am not Mexican... if those are the friends, I guess I much preffer my own company...

Brozzer, can I play devils advocate here? This was my impression from reading your post.
pushiness at the hospital. She was excited about the baby. Yes its your baby but its also her grandson/daughter and she has a right to have some feelings too. She might have been a bit more respectful but its not the most outrageous thing in the world. At least she gives a damn!
Pressure to bring the baby to her. Is this so unusual? She loves your child that is a good thing. She gets massive amounts of pleasure from seeing him/her and was really disappointed when you cancelled. She'd probably been looking forward to it for weeks. You might not be able to fathom why she took it so bad but she obviously did. Why the anger and no sympathy for someone who has been so ill?

Do you think this could be a case of someone who lived for her kids who is finding it hard to play second fiddle? If so would it not be kinder especially in the circumstances of her being so ill and your dh obviously caring about his mother, to try and help her out in coming to terms with her feelings instead of shouting at her? You might not like that she cares so much about your husband and your child, you might find it really invasive but she is his mother, she was there for a long time before you were, you can't expect them to switch off their feelings and relationship just because you find it difficult to deal with.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. I just read this differently from everyone else and wanted to put the other side across.

Bosscat - thank you for playing devil's advocate - it is really good food for thought.
Yes I agree she was over-excited and has feelings too and it's great that she loves ds and as such we visited her a billion times on the bloody train so she could see him.

She wasn't ill when he was born and I cannot get my head round pushy/insensitive behaviour at a birth UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Surely the priority of a sane and decent human being is to show a little respect for the new mother who is not merely a grandchild-making device. It's in the baby's best interests too.

I had been with her son for 9 WEEKS when I got pregnant. I barely knew him let alone her at the birth, let alone her latest boyfriend who she felt happy to bring in to the maternity ward to see the baby against my will. Should one not tread a little bit more carefully when a woman you have no relationship with whatsoever has experienced a traumatic birth and is asking for privacy?
Everything she did around the birth was about herself and stating publicly her importance as a grandmother. She never once asked me if there was anything she could do, always assumed she knew best and made snide little comments about how the younger generation can't deal with birth very well because they've grown up too dependent on pain-killers etc. Oh please.

My dp and I almost split up during his paternity leave because of his mother and her mother and have rowed about his family for 16 mths. How can I not feel anger for the pain they've caused us?

I tried to put it behind me and have made enormous efforts with her. When she got ill, I sent her two cards, flowers and a box of presents to the hospital over the course of two weeks and took a four-hour train journey with my dp and ds to visit her. I even got my mum to
send her flowers as she had a similar illness.

I am really not a bitch. I deeply regret that she was ill and bit my tongue until she was completely well again.
She can't continue to call the shots forever because she has been ill.
I don't think I am furious with her because she cares so much about my dp and ds, as you suggest, I think I'm angry with her because she's a pain in the arse who has caused my family distress at a time when we most needed support.
I don't have the energy to 'help her out' particularly right now. I think it's true that she's struggling to play second fiddle but that's something she's got to come to terms with, isn't it? I've got enough to contend with eg a toddler, a damaged relationship, a job etc

She may have lived for her kids but she dumped both their fathers for other men and they were pretty much brought up by childminders whilst she did a PHD. I know she wishes she'd spent more time with them when they were little.
I won't let her use my little ds as a way to make amends for the unstable ride her own kids had.
She's had her kids, it's my turn now.
Rant over.

ps I have never shouted at her!

Brozzer, I've got to tell you my own parents who I love to death and who are completely sane individuals couldn't respect my wishes and actually came down to the house the second my dh phoned to tell them I was in labour. They were there waiting (let themselves in with the spare key) because they just couldn't help themselves. My in-laws were a little better but 2 years later my MIL told me how hurt she was because I didn't ask her to be AT THE BIRTH as she is a midwife!!!! An old friend of mine had an even worse time with her own parents who she has a fabulous relationship with as she specifically asked them to give her space for a few days and they travelled 100 miles anyway and all rocked up at the hospital. I appreciate its harder when you didn't really have a relationship with her at that stage but I think she might have been just expressing her enthusiasm and perhaps the birth of a grandchild counts as one of those occasions when you just have to shrug (like me and my friend did) and say "bloody grandparents". Actually after hearing you were only together 9 weeks before getting such huge news, its quite nice that she rallied round and showed such enthusiasm for you all. I can tell you my own MIL would have sighed around the place for possibly years showing us all how traumatic it all was for her. She actually cried on my wedding day as we had only been together for 18 months and she was "so scared for us"! Happily the story ends well, we've been married for 5 years now so she's chilled out a bit.

As for the she knows best comments, that just is so typical of grandmothers as a whole I personally think. If an entire day went by without my own dear mother not giving me her opinion on my hair/my childrens clothing/the amount of sunblock they have on/what they are eating I would truly think aliens had taken her over. My MIL as I said was a midwife for 40 years and for my first son she was on the phone every day sometimes a few times 'advising' me on breast feeding, which was not going well. She drove me nuts. With son number 2 she's just given up because I just smile and say "wow, thanks for that" and do whatever the hell I wanted anyway!

Of course you aren't a bitch, I know that, you are just at the end of your tether with her. I found when I felt the same with mine that taking a step back, letting the anger just evaporate and trying to see things from her point of view helped me. Things aren't black and white, she isn't evil or horrible she just isn't handling things very well. You can really help her with that and I'm sure if you let go of the anger you feel towards her you might understand a little where she is coming from. I've got to tell you, I had to admit to myself that I had said some terrible things to my own MIL and I realised I had been so intolerant of her. It helped us both when I just let it go and chilled out a bit. She still gets on my nerves sometimes but I don't let it eat away anymore. I remember how generous she is and how much she loves my kids. And how far away she lives

Finally, I feel too that my own MIL is trying a bit to make amends with my kids. She agreed to sending her own to a boarding school miles away which is what their father wanted and I think she regrets it. Their relationship is kind of weird now because of it really. She's overbearing with my kids and hero worships the eldest in an intense way. It is your turn absolutely, you just have to not let her take over, assert yourself nicely, be as generous as you can be and maybe it will work out with all the anger gone. I'm sure it will make you happier if you are anything like me, I felt horrible having a crap relationship with her and so much better we are on an even keel.

At the end of the day, you have someone who cares. My best friends in-laws don't even send her kids cards for their birthday. She got a £5 argos voucher for xmas for them to share (there's 3) and when her eldest tried to use it he was told it had been given out years ago in a competition and was invalid. He was so hurt. These are people who can afford to be generous but just don't care.

HOpe this helps a bit x

Brozzer, maybe the suddeness of the pg was an issue, it certainly was for MIL- dated for 6 weeks, moved in for six weeks, engaged (Valentines Day), PG 4 weeks later (DH's birthday... I was conceived on my dad's birthday, family tradition, LOL!)

Such good posts bosscat. I've been thinking about this thread, and my own MIL. I wanted to come back and post but you've said it all, so eloquently.

Good luck Brozzer. It's not easy but it's your turn now and you have to lead the way.

All the best to all of us and our MILs.

I guess is just a matter of what caliber of MIL do you get. My mother was always advocating for my MIL and saying she had been through the same and was normal. Finally, after the december blow out I got the courage to tell her what had been really happening in all those years and now she thinks MIL is very stupid and that if she was more respectful she would get to see the family more often.

There is a very thin line between being a normal over enthusiastic MIL and an obsesive controlling one. Obviously they can not know for sure where the line is drawn unless we make it clear. In our case, hints about how overwhelmed we were by her attention didn't work, diplomatic talks about the subject... neither, DH saying clearly to her face why she needed to respect our decisions...nope. Full blown fall out after seven years... 9 months on I believe we may get there some day, though considering what she has been saying to the family recently, I believe we are still some months or years away...