I would like to talk about a subject that I haven't seen mentioned much on here...

[Nemofish]

I am using mumsnet as my own personal therapist at the moment, I'm not very good with being close to and trusting people, and poor dh has heard it all before, so mumsnet it is!

I think that I am almost down to my last few 'ishoos.' But this is a biggie for me. I'll say it straight - my step dad seemed to have a thing for very young girls, as I was when my mum met him. I was 10, he started getting funny with me when I was 11 and hitting puberty.

He was a pisshead, made comments when drunk, eg. cracking arse love (ffs I was 11!) mum never flinched. He made a few moves, love tapping me on my backside (way too hard - it hurt and I slapped him on the arm) and just general innappropriateness. Told me what my mum liked in bed etc. Asked me to give him a hug, I said no, then he asked if I wanted to go upstairs and look at porn with him. I said no. Ran out of the house, him yelling after me. Another time he kissed me, a 'proper' kiss iykwim. Fortunately thats the worst he ever got the chance to do.

All that time, I was fucking terrified, I had no where to turn, no one to tell. He would come home drunk when my mum was at work and I would wait until his back was turned and run out of the house, didn't stop running til I got to mum's workplace.

I kept out of his way and slept with a chair wedged under my door and a knife under my pillow. About a year later I met my boyfriend and his family became gradually aware of what was going on. They basically let me stay with them whenever I needed to, I lived with them around 4 days a week until I moved in full time at 16, I left at 18. It was all unofficial, but they went into fostering after me. I like to think I was the tester!

When I was 13, and at my foster family's house, mum told me my step dad had got into my bed in the night and slept there (drunk). I knew full well what would have happened if I had been unlucky enough to have been in that bed.

While I was at home, mum found a letter that I had written to a schoolfriend about it all (and never had the courage to send). She asked my step dad, he denied everything (how the fuck could he even remember what he had or hadn't done? Couldn't remember his own fecking name most of the time) and Mum basically turned it round to emphasise what a serious accusation it was, how the police would have to be involved etc, and how she thought that this letter was really an experimental piece of creative writing on my part, perhaps something for school, yes? Of course I agreed and that, as far as mum was concerned, was that.

I now know that my mum has narcissistic personality disorder, and I am more at peace because of that. But him. For years I have stuck up for him, defended him, supported him - his ex wife took him to court for maintenance and I went along as moral support - I was 12! WTF?! I know that it's typical, text book even but I feel like such an idiot. I don't even know what he remembers - I have excused him for years saying he probably doesn't remember, but he had 'erotic books' about sex with underage girls, and incest between fathers and daughters. He can't have forgotten that? And my mum knew about those books, and she still didn't believe me? I realised back then that no matter, she would always back him up. I was abused when I was 8 by an older child and she didn't give a flying fuck then either.

Oh god I'm a mess tonight. Medal to anyone who got this far, thank you XXXXX

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to say to you really, but wanted to say at least well done to you for looking after yourself, and how sad that your mum didn't.

How is all this affecting you now?

You must be pretty freaked out, I guess. Do partake of a sneaky hug...

Nemo, so for you. IT seems like you are most of the way there with dealing with this but are still experiencing some of the trauma associated with it.

Since I now know you are a "woo" person I have no hesitation in suggesting you go for therapy with an NLP therapist. They have excellent strategies for getting rid of the trauma associated with this kind of experience and also for allowing you to forgive yourself for your "involvement", even though at the time you were doing the best you knew how. If you want to, it can even get you to the point of forgiving your mum and stepdad for being the deficient people they are too - but that might be beyond what you need to do.

NLP is great in that, unlike talking therapies, you can do the work "at a distance" so you don't have to fully go back into the experiences to clear them, iyswim.

If NLP doesn't sound right for you, or you can't find a decent practitioner (NOT a life coach, you need an NLP therapist) then can I suggest TFT/EFT instead? Another way of dealing with past trauma but more self-reliant - involves learning "tapping" for yourself and using it whenever these things come back to haunt you. It can be extremely effective though.

HTH and have another unMNly (((hug)))

Didn't want to leave thread without posting, but I really don't know what to say!
Is he still in your life now?

Nemofish what is it you are after? Your childhood sounds terrible and I really feel for you.

As a young adult I once did some work experience at a children's home. Some of the kids were there because their fathers or stepfathers had abused them and their mothers, rather than chucking out the husband, had chucked out the child. I just couldn't believe it, it seemed just one of the most cruel things I could imagine. Still does, that double betrayal.

You sound, naturally, furious with your stepfather. Do you still have to see him? He is obviously mad and bad.

I hope people come on here to talk to you about whatever it is you want to talk about. Good luck.

Thanks all.

I think that it's a step forward for me to be mad at him - it's taken me 22 years to get this far!

Should have put a 'need to vent alert' on my post.

I want to be finished with all this stuff so I can be more in control of my feelings, not so many painful things lurking beneath the surface.

I don't think it's coincidence that I have in just the past three days, given up taking sleeping tablets, and now this all comes tumbling out.

I cut both of the fuckers out of my life when I got pregnant - funnily enough I have just posted the 'ghost story' that happened to me as I read my mother's response to the letter she sent to me after I sent her a letter stating, as nicely as I could, why I didn't want to see her, or her husband.

Thank you for all the sneaky hugs.

Not sure about NLP however I have got myself a book on EFT, will spend some sleepless nights time studying it.

Nemo - if you want to email me on thumbwitch at live dot co dot uk I can give you more info on NLP if you want. It's great, honest! I think it's the most brilliant thing ever and it's done me the power of good. No worries if you don't - but let me know your suspicions and I can try to allay them if you want.

Have e-mailed you thanks thumbwitch XXXX

just checked, it's not there yet - no prob yet though, it might turn up later.
Am in Oz (in case you don't know) so will check through the day and reply whenever it arrives. If it isn't here soon, check you have the address right and send it again - or just send it again even if you do have the address right, sometimes things just get lost in the ether for no good reason!

Got it! Replied too. Hope it helps!

Nemo, your description of your early teenage years sounds just like mine, only it was my brother-in-law who had the unhealthy interest in me, the physical touching, the porn, it's all the same, he "tested" me once by starting to masturbate in front of me.

My dad had abandoned me to the care of my sister when he remarried a few years after my mum was killed, my sister had huge health problems and saw my BIL as her saviour, I'd say he was classic NPD and a bit of a charming psychopath to boot. He actually kicked me out of the house at 16 when I met my boyfriend, now DH ( I'd stood up to him from the age of 13, after he came into my bedroom one night and told me there was nothing stopping him doing whatever he wanted with me, I told him if he ever touched me I would wait until he was asleep and slit his throat, and I meant it).
I'd told my sister I was going on the pill and he found them and made me flush them down the toilet. My sister couldn't understand why I wouldn't have him at my wedding! Even when he left her after 25 years, she won't listen to anything bad about him.
It's awful realising that your family don't actually give a toss about you but it hasn't defined my life, I may have emotional scars and trust issues - I don't really trust anyone but DH but I just come from the viewpoint that my real life started at 16 when I met DH, he has a normal loving family and like you, they took me in and made me realise what a fucked up mess my own family was.
I look at at as a hard life lesson and it's made me a damn good judge of people, I can pretty much tell exactly what kind of person someone is on first meeting, I can see through all the bullshit and "charm" of men like him and if I get a gut feeling I'm rarely wrong, so it had a positive effect as well as a negative one.

You need to realise this man isn't worth another second of your thoughts and that your mother was an inadequate and weak woman but that you survived it and hopefully have a good life now.

god, I can't imagine having had the wherewithall as an 11 year old child to fend off this type of creep. You must have been a pretty strong and switched on person even as a little girl - by never giving him an "in" you probably prevented him doing a lot worse to you.

Second that, Nemo. You had a brilliantly healthy set of self-preservation instincts, and good for you!

Perhaps you kind of lost faith in those same instincts, when your mum failed to back you up. You were only a kid after all, it's almost impossible for a child to believe her mother can be THAT wrong. Could the process of discovering how little faith you could place in your mother have led, in a roundabout way, to your defending your step-dad?

It does sound as though you need to forgive yourself for making some childish errors of judgement - and be a whole lot more proud of your healthy self-defence!

How fortunate that your boyfriend's parents were perceptive, and caring, enough to offer you refuge. What a shame you needed it.

Just for the record: your step-father is a weak, warped, corrupt, selfish, pathetic scrote-bag.

ItsGraceAgain - I think that I thought my mother must be right - she used to say, you wind him up, you should be flattered that a man finds you attractive etc. and she was so sure of her self, and so unruffled by the whole thing, even bored by it, she would just roll her eyes and say there goes Nemo, overreacting again

I was raised to believe that mum was always right, no matter what. At least I know better know. I think that by the time I reached my teenaged years, I didn't know which way was up, I was so confused by all the sick and wrong messages I recieved.

I never thought about my self preservation instincts, but you are right, I had been abused before when I wasn't able to defend myslef really, this time I took action

Malificence you are my hero you kick ass!