What are the rules?!

[em1234]

I could really do with your thoughts. After months and months of terrible rows and dramas my partner has found somewhere else to live and is moving out next week. We have been together for eight years, had triplets in December and have a six year old. We live in a small flat(in my name) and the lack of space has been a major cause of our stress (plus the whole multiple birth 'thing' and him not being able to hold down a job/provide/binge drinking etc etc - I could go on!)
ANYWAY, will try to keep this brief...he agreed to move out because he thinks I'm going to then find us somewhere all much bigger to live - in his mind it's a few months apart and then us all back together again. I can't see this happening as much as part of me would like a happy ending...
What I'm now struggling with is after nearly a year of constant rows, horrible,scary scenes and zero intimacy we are suddendly getting on really well again. The kindness and warmth is back and we're enjoying each other's company. If only it could be like this all the time! I know him moving out is one hundred percent the right thing but we've got a week to go - is it 'normal' to be kind of breaking up like we are (or at the very least separating on a trial basis) and still cuddle up in bed at night etc...nothing remotely physical has happened between us for months but I can feel my resolve weakening and I'm a bit worried about the next few days. Is this to expected because we both know we'll be living apart in a matter of days or is it really dangerous to be intimate again having agreed to separate? I'm very confused by my feelings all of a sudden....I don't want him to think he can move out for a few months, leave me with four children and the job of finding a new home and then he can waltz back in and pick up where we left off but on the other hand I guess I'm not quite ready to completely cut the cord yet either..help!

do you love each other?

why does him moving out mean you can get a bigger place?

you have been through so much togther, it is understandable that the first six months after having triplets are going to be stressful x 100 so maybe you should both give each other another chance

its' a long, complicated story. The reason things have got so bad is that I desperately wanted another baby, had to convince him to do IVF..his big concern was where we would fit another baby..my mum and I had been having quite serious talks about her downsizing and us moving into her house (I would have sold my flat and brought her a smaller place with the money)..anyway, she then changed her mind about moving and world war three broke out! Months and months of horrilbe rows followed..according to him me and my mum had tricked and betrayed him and he would never have agreed to the IVF if he'd realised we wouldn't end up living in her house!!!! I should also mention that it was my mum who paid for the IVF so in my opinion she's done more than enough for us already.
He works in the catering industry(when he can keep a job) and the hours are terrible, coming in at two, three am..he says he can't stay in the flat and hold down a job - the babies are in our room. He seems quite happy to be moving out 'temporarily' and leaving me to sort out selling my place and buying somewhere new. He's not offering to contribute financially in any way..he sees it as my job to find a bigger family home..
In answer to your question about loving him..I love the lovely him, the gentle, loving and committed man..not the side of him that stays out all night, drinks too much from time to time, doesn't seem to think it's his job to contribute to a new home..I could go on. It's that classic thing of when we're good we're great and when we're not we're terrible.

Would it be too cynical to suggest that he's being extra nice right now just so that you will remember him fondly when he's moved out, and will want him back? That the nice him is no more the "real" him than the nasty one? Even that he is in this relationship for what he can get (eg a big house, you paying the bills and dealing with all the stressful events) rather than what he can share with you and your children?

Being nice doesn't cost anything and it's easy to do for a short while.

I was just reading an article, last night, about how hard it is to break up. The author highlighted what you've described: When the reality finally breaks through, your partner may feel upset enough to show their vulnerable self. If you ever loved them, this is when you're likely to see the self you fell in love with - and, out of sympathy, fall in love with them all over again.

The article went on to say the relationship hasn't changed of course - people do stay because of that moment, but it rarely makes things better. It's just another storm to weather on the way to calmer waters.

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck!

thanks for your thoughts..I think you are all right..ItsGraceAgain I'd be interested in reading that article on breaking up if you wouldn't mind letting me know where you read it?
Deep down I know that it would be very unlikely if we managed to transform the relationship if we got back together and we would most likely have a very brief 'honeymoon' period and then be back to the same old rubbish.
Anniegetyourgun I think you are right too - it's going to be great for him, living the single life for a few months, none of the sleepless nights,day to day stress of looking after triplets..I think he thinks he'll be able to pop back here whenever he wants..I'm going to have to be really strong. I am surprised at these feelings, I thought I could never want to be phyisical with him again after all the horrible times we have had recently.

It was in Psychologies magazine but it was a back issue - don't know which one, I'm afraid.

From what you wrote, he has strong incentives to be nice (bigger house, bills paid, easy life - as well as you lovely self, of course!) So you might need to lay in a store of healthy cynicism, as well as some comforting chocolate.

thanks...the mental confusion is exhausting! Of course looking at our four gorgeous children doesn't help...wanting nothing more for them than a happy home life with two loving parents. I guess I have to keep reminding myself what's led us to this point..how unhappy I've been for so long. Just didn't anticipate this slight change of heart on my part.