Child abuse, how to help dp and family

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All advice appreciated.

My DP's grandfather (dad's dad), grandmother (dad's mum), nan (mum's mum) and father all died within a very short time frame. DP is 35.

His father was young - 50s and it was totally our of the blue.

After his dad's death dp's sister (39) told dp and their mum that the grandad (dad's dad) had sexually abused her from the age of 2 until about 11 i think.

DP was devastated, he loved his grandparents and spent lots of time with them. He had no clue at all, although now looking back he does say that his gran used to look after him and his grandad used to look after his sister.

His sister only told everyone once her father had died as she didn't want to upset her dad by telling him what his dad had done.

DP believes his sister and loves her deeply but can't square this with the memories he has of his grandfather.

He is plagued now with thoughts about did his gran know? Did his father know? Things have come out since that vrious members of the family did 'think' things about him, and he had been warned by relatives to stay away from their children.

Also from all the soul searching that has gone on through this he has also started to remember his own childhood, where although no sexual abuse their mum (still alive) was incredibly emotional busive and physically abuse, tied them to chairs, smacked them for no good reason etc.

Any ideas on how to help dp? Hes totally devastated by all this and the majority came out 2 years ago with the stuff about his own childhood about 3 weeks ago.

thank you

he needs to go to a counsellor, possibly bereavement counsellor. they will be used to helping with these questions.

one thing you can tell him though is that abusers don't always look like evil - they are often the "nice man" (or woman) - so his memories are perfectly valid. but clearly that this man had a darker side.

Thank you, sorry I have been trying to avoid thinking about it so hadn't come back. I think counselling is the way forward but I think him, sister and mum need to go maybe? Or is it dangerous to go with the abuser (the emotional and physical abuser - the mother, not the sexual abuser)?

It just gets worse though, he's starting to get more memories and has been checking them with his sister to ensure they are real. He's now remembered a different male relative (on mother's side this time not father's!) buying his sister some very inappropriate underwear when she was about 13. Apparently it was opened in front of his parents. He's checked with sister and she said yes it did happen. He also remembers his sister being asked to 'model it' for this male relative.

So what the hell does this mean? That the entire family on both sides were abusers? Does a child once abused give out 'signals' (I mean as in 'vulnerable' signals) and therefore other predatory men recognise this and try to take advantage? She has said that this other male relative 'came on' to her from the age of 13 to about 18.

I feel out of my depth here.

I think that your DP and sister really need to get some counselling. I'm not sure on the mum though. As a first though, your DP needs to think about himself and sort himself out.

Sorry that's not much help I should think but just wanted to answer.

Speak to the NSPCC adult helpline.
They can put you in touch with someone.

he needs to go see someone alone - he neeeds to focus on himself. he cannot solve his sister's emotional issues - but again, is something he could discuss with a trained coucnsellor.

calll nspcc or smilar and ask for trained counsellors expereinced with this. then eh should ahve a few sessions and take it from there as to next steps - discuss with the counsellor if it would help or not to go with the sister.

the mother - prob not helpful... but again he needs to discuss that with someone trained and looka t pros and cons

gosh what a horrible situation for your dp and his sister. I agree with the others - I think first port of call would be counselling alone - he needs the space to focus on his own ?guilt ?shock without having to worry about seeming disloyal to anyone.