How do you stop being ?the victim??
STBX had a 13 month affair with a client ? saw her once/twice a week overnight when he has to visit the area on business. I suspected for some time and confronted him twice; both times he came up with plausible excuses.
He finally confessed last October, we immediately went on a pre-booked holiday with our 17yo daughter, and it was pure hell. Kept telling me how sorry he was, could I forgive him, we can?t throw the 21 years we?d spent together away.
When we got back I asked him to move to his sisters for a little while so I could get my head around MY feelings. He then would not talk to me for 2 weeks, eventually agreeing to meet with me to tell me he was never coming home, couldn?t live with what he?d done blah blah blah. I asked him if he loved her ? long and short of it was yes, as much if not more than me, so that was it.
That was the Friday evening. Sunday he asked to see me to say how he?d realised what he was throwing away and could I ever take him back. Of course I did because I still loved him so much. So he came back and sadly we had lots of rows ? I needed to know why, what had happened, what had she got that I hadn?t and he refused to talk about it. We had 7 weeks together, all of Xmas, New Years Eve etc. Xmas day I had a big ?wobble? ? got upset because the bastard spoke to me about her, how he?d been lying and yes he had been deceiving me (about many things, obviously!) but one of my real hang-ups was that she?d stayed in the hotel in her home town with him when he?d told me she hadn?t and I?d stayed with him a couple of times when we?d gotten back together because I thought it ?safe? (ie helping me to move on with thoughts of the two of them together, believing she?d never been to that particular hotel since it was ?not safe on her doorstep?). A row ensued between the two of us (in private) and then with some of his family joining in and having a go at me ? including his father who said I was as much to blame for his beloved son having an affair as he was!!
Got over that, but then on 2nd Jan it all went horribly wrong when I said how much I loved him and what a fab time we?d had together again. Guilt was too much for him because he was still obsessed with the OW, even knowing she would never leave her partner. So he moved out to his sisters again, told me he would come home when I had ?moved on? (god, I hate that term). A week later he came over to the house to see our daughter and left his laptop on. I had never looked at it before, but had this horrible feeling that I needed to. There was all the evidence I needed ? an email to her two days after he?d left me the week before - he?d lied about breaking up with her, was still infatuated with her to the point of saying to her he would still prepared to walk away from everyone and everything he loved to be with her, how he hated me every time I slagged her off . . . OMG it was like a 15 year old schoolboy with a crush! There were also emails confirming they were meeting at a hotel literally down the road from where she lived that night. So that was it, he walked away and things have been hideous ever since.
It would seem the affair ended and she did not turn up at the hotel that night. It?s really irrelevant now, but still hurts nonetheless that I gave EVERYTHING to him when I took him back ? my heart, body and soul ? when I?ve realised now that all he wanted was to be with her.
I have ?moved on? lots, as has he if you?ve read my other posts ? the first mistress got shot of him as soon as he told her he?d left me (he?s now asked me to cite her in my divorce ?so she can always remember that she?s ruined HIS life, and ruined HIS marriage? ? what a twat!). He?s now moved on to a family friend who has 3 kids. He ignores his own daughter but happily flaunts his new found family around.
We start mediation this week for the finances. Divorce is proceeding on his adultery. He is just foul, still blaming everyone and everything but himself. Doesn?t pay hardly any money, has lost two jobs now because of the first mistress and doesn?t seem to be bothered about getting another one (even said to his only friend that he doesn?t care if our house is repossessed). I can?t sleep at night for worry and it really, really pisses me off that he?s allowed to walk away from ALL his responsibilities and still want 50% of everything we have . He gets legal aid for everything, unlike me. Although I?m on a pitiful school office salary, it?s still just over the threshold for help. God, why is is SO UN FAIR.
My friends have decided I am stuck in the role of the ?victim? ? I probably agree with this because to a certain extent I?m still in shock. Even his sister has said she doesn?t understand why I?ve not moved on after 3 months!!! Probably because I stupidly took my wedding vows seriously and, unlike him, until I am well into the divorce process can?t even think about seeing another man. Stupid as I am!
Please can someone tell me how to NOT be a victim any more and get him the hell out of my head! After nearly 22 years together through an awful lot of think and thick, I can?t see how, but there must be some success stories, please?
Thank you