How bad is the bit between asking your dh to leave and him actually going?

[scarlotti]

Things between DH and I aren't good. We're in relate (again) but there is no change happening and tbh, I've just about given up in my head.
He gives me no support and takes no responsibility in the marriage. It's like living with a teenager. He seems to think that all is ok-ish, and would be fine if I just smiled a bit more and stopped moaning.
I think the changes I would like (i.e. a balanced relationship where you work as a team) are just a step to far for him as that's just not who he is. If he does do things to help, he constantly asks questions whilst doing so.

DD is about to sit her gcse's so I'm loathe to have the please leave talk before she finishes them in case it messes up her exams at all. She is his stepDD.
DS1 starts school in September so I'd rather not have DH leaving at the same time as I'm worried it would be too much upheaval.
Which leaves a window of not very long from the end of June.

How do these things work in reality? Should I be having the leaving conversations and using relate to work out how we'll split etc.? Should I be waiting until after September? (dear god, please no) Does it take months from the talk to it actually happening?
Financially I can run the house on my own so that's not an issue.

Well I told him it was over at the end of April; bought him out of the house at the end of June; and he's now finally bought his own house.... BUT, it's still not built yet (expected completion mid-summer).

OK, not what you wanted to hear, but I'm sure not all men are quite as lazy as my xh... and actually we get on far better now because I really couldn't care less what he does any more! So in answer to your questions: from my experience it might take far longer than you think, but as long as you can start to see him as a comedy rather than trying to take him seriously, then actually it's not so bad (and far better than the idea that we could still be together)

ditzzy - heavens! So what is life like whilst you are still living under the same roof? Did he want to split? Do you have dc's?

Life is good! OK, it will be better when he has actually moved out. But it's already so much better than it was when we were "together". Doing things like this slowly and gradually actually suits me fine (I never was one for high drama), but I didn't ever intend for it to quite drag on quite this long.

One thing I will say is that this last year has taught me that I absolutely would never want to get back together with him though. I've been able to look on and see all his worst traits (the sheer laziness of not having moved out yet being a prime example; fibbing about telling his parents another big one). If he's gone the day I announced it was over, I would always have been tempted.

We don't have dc's though. Failing at ttc was one of the nails in the coffin - doesn't seem such a bad thing after all now though!

Seriously though, just make sure you're organised and you should be able to get him packed sorted pretty sharpish. And then you can breathe a sigh of relief with the space and freedom

Sorry Scarlotti, I think I killed your thread! Hopefully someone will come along soon and advise how best to plan a timetable to get him out within 2 months, so you can have a bit of a break after GCSEs but still be settled back down before the new term.

The actual legal bit of getting the financial separation agreement drawn up and house changed hands took about 4 weeks from the first solicitors and mortgage appointment. So that gives you a couple of weeks before that to get him to agree to it all, and a couple of weeks after to get it all actioned. Should be perfectly feasible!

My threads always seem to die so probably not you! Maybe it's my titles..?!

Am thinking I should go see a solicitor and find out the exact ins and outs of it all fairly soon so I know where I stand.
I just can't see him saying 'oh ok, I'll leave then' and going. I suspect he'll get quite pissed off - he's made comments before about why should the guy leave when people split. Hence my wondering whether relate would be able to help with that side of things.

I did expect him to put up more of a battle about the house actually, but I just out-practical-ed him while he was still reeling from the fact I was actually ending it! The conversation went along the lines of: 'I can afford to buy you out, you can't afford to buy me out'; while he was thinking about that I hit him with: 'wouldn't you want to live closer to your work than mine?'....

I guess in your case the dc are priority; no reason why they should move, so unless he's prepared to take responsibility and look after them fulltime, then he'd better leave and let you carry on living there with them! Practical, efficient.

Interestingly your situation sounds similar to mine apart from the dc's bit. I can afford to buy him out, although there's no buying out to be done due to drop in value and a trust deed protecting my equity. I earn the main money so will just carry on paying for everything. I do all the childcare type stuff.
Plus as DD isn't his, the DS' would stay with their sister and all 3 will stay in the family home.
It will be him getting off his arse and sorting out somewhere to go that will be the issue I suspect. He calls himself laid back, I call it plain lazy

Get some legal advice Scarlotti. If (as you imply) the house is actually yours, there will come a point where you can force him to leave ie have him removed by the police and change the locks. Obviously you hope it won't get that far but you can't be compelled to carry on living with a parasite in the house.

Yet another lazy arse man. Good luck with that one then! I think one of the key things that convinced to sign the separation agreement was that I handed him a cheque to go with it....

Incidently, I did put a clause in the legal agreement that said I would allow him to stay for a stated length of time. As soon as that period was up there was nothing to stop me just changing the locks. Make sure you get that kind of thing written in! He actually started looking for somewhere to live around the same time as that period ran out. Shame he then couldn't afford anywhere decent because he'd spent half the money on a new car

Would he accept the help if you did a bit of the leg work in finding him somewhere? If he has no equity, then presumably he'd be renting which would speed things up too?

cross-posts with SGB. She always talks sense to me. Parasite is a good word. I must use it more often when refering to my lodger...

Thanks for your posts ladies (and SGB, so glad you popped in) - apologies for not responding last night but baby woke for his dream feed.

Think legal advice is the way to go, house is in joint names and mortgage is joint but we had a trust deed drawn up when we bought it to safeguard the equity I put in from my last house as he had nothing. Initial legal advice I sought a while back implied that would still be safe.

ditzyy - I like the sound of that clause, can see how you'd need something like that. He would be renting as he has no savings so that might make life easier. As to whether he'd let me help, I doubt it, but I think a deadline is obviously the way to go.