Family conflict is making my life a misery....

[celticsweetie]

Until recently I thought I had the perfect relationship with DH's family. He comes from an "apparently" close knit family..they are misguided and rather than face issues bury their head in the sand and put on the good old british stiff upper lip in the hope that if they ignore a problem it simply goes away. Sadly this "problem" has been brewing for a few years now all because DH's sibling is a very jealous, greedy person and has forced a wedge between the family. Of course ML has taken the sibling's side completely despite FL knowing what an awful person this individual can be..he also won't stand up to his wife.
Things came to an ugly head last year and we had to get the police involved..ML still got head buried firmly in the sand. It is all very sad and had it been kept within the family wouldn't been quite so bad but the sibling is intent in destroying me and DH and just won't leave us alone. The gossip is making me totally depressed. I can't bare to go anywhere alone in case I bump into DH's sibling as I've been intimated relentlessly. I go out of my way to avoid places I may bump into any of these people. I have my own business but it is being affected as I have completed lost my confidence because of the betrayal of DH's family and the way they have treated us. Even sibling's friends are making my life a misery when I drop my kids off at school by ignoring me and gossiping! It's all such a bloody mess and I know DH is stressed by it all but just can't face his mother to make her listen to the truth. I just want to get on with my life and be the happy person I was before all this happened but how can I with this person constantly in my life and all the gossips? We would like to move but just can't afford that next step up the ladder at the moment..we live in quite an expensive area. Just wanted some objective advice really?

Oh dear,sounds very similar to what happened to us with my dh parents and brother.We lived the next street along from them which was pretty awkward for a while.To be honest we just decided to completly ignore them and just get on with our own lives and if we did bang into them would just keep walking.Luckily we have moved in the last year so its been easier but up until that point we just stayed strong and held our heads up high,because after all we had done nothing wrong so why should we be made to feel bad.What made it worse for us was the thought it may affect the kids but the funny thing is they have never mentioned them and dont seem bothered.All i can really say is just get on with your own lives and be happy and dont let these idiots get you down.Hope this helps abit.

I know your right in what you say but it is very difficult. I have tried ignoring this person but she is a very confrontational character and won't allow us to ignore her if we see her..which makes it very awkward. I know it will get easier..if only she would leave us alone it would be a whole lot earier! I feel really bad about my children but I have to say we have the same situation. The children don't seem bothered at all, never ask about their grandparents or the others and just get on with life. I beat myself up about it though as I had a very close relationship with my grandparents and aunts whilst I was growing up and I worry that my children are missing out on all that but as a friend pointed out recently they won't miss what they've never had. Thanks for your advice.

Yes MadamDeathstare..your absolutely right and I have held my head up as high as I can..although it is very difficult I feel physically sick at the thought of taking the children to school tmrw. These people are small minded and easily led..we are talking about women in their 40's here for christ sake!! I avoid all contact with DH's family and have no intention of any further contact. Been to police and sibling has been warned but still it makes no difference..these people are sometimes beyond the law! It probably sounds that something from a soap opera to outsiders! I live in hope that one day the truth will out and this person's true colours will be revealed!

OP, we have a v. similar situation right now, but with my side of the family. It is aweful, it permeates every aspect of your life. We are doing the same, trying to just hold our heads high and be "bigger people" as we have done absolutely nothing wrong (but now see that we bent over backwards far too often). My father is extremely manipulative and a very toxic person and at this point it literally does make me physically ill when I allow myself to think about the horrible things he has fabricated about us, his constant harassment and intimidation....and the fact that there is no help, no escape, police make no difference to that man....we also live in the hope of the revelation of his true colours someday, but it is hard while you are waiting.

Wish I had advice to offer, but all I can do is say you're not alone. Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug - it is hard.

You know it makes me feel better having shared this will all you "strangers"..I feel that I'm not going mad and it's not me..my DH's family are blaming me for everything! In a rather perverse way it's good to know there are many people out there facing similar situations.

I think our next step will be a restaining order. We have considered having this person charged with slander too as they have told so many lies and untruths about us. My MIL has no idea about most of the things that have gone on she has just heard her other child's side of the story and when my DH tried to speak to her in the past her response was "I've heard xxxxx's side of the story that that's all I need to know!" How can you get through to these people? I now know it isn't worth the effort but I just want to clear my name (and my DHs).

Wow, we really are in the same place OP. Our next step will be a restraining order, and are also seeking advice related to slander. For us, we think it would be worth the effort to clarify all of these lies. All along we have taken the position that we simply would take the "high road" and wouldn't respond - and we haven't responded at all. We thought that anyone that knew us and anyone that mattered would obviously know they are vicious, venemous lies....but are now thinking differently - he should not be permitted to walk around spouting this garbage to anyone and everyone and we are letting him do it. Hard to know. Wish we could just afford to move.

I bet your DH also feels guilt like I do. Which is ridiculous as I have done nothing wrong. But sometimes I feel like DH wouldn't have to deal with this harassment if it wasn't for meeting me... I love him so much, it hurts to think that if it wasn't for being with me he wouldn't be subjected to any of this insanity from my father.

Trouble with DH is he is very much like the rest of his family..bury your head and it will all go away. He has been the one all along who has persuade me to say nothing and let them on get on with it. His own words were like you, anyone who knows us and who matters will know there is no truth in what is being said. However, he has now had enough and has decided that whenever anyone mentions the situation to him..as many, many people have, and we have remained tight-lipped..he will simply tell them what has been going on and let them know exactly what is mother and sibling are like. He is a lovely man and put me and the children first but it is a very difficult situation for all of us.

PS. This is my first time on Mumsnet

Don't really know what else to say as i know nothing anyone says can stop this nightmare for you right now but please just stay strong and please seek some advice from the police as things cant continue the way they are going for you just now.Your dh sounds like hes very supportive so just be there for each each other and the kiddies and i promise you will get through this.Take care and a big HUG from me.

P.s only my 2nd time on here to so im new too.

sadly, I believe slander is a civil offence and therefore not one that police can help you with. It also means that you have to bear any costs of bringing the case yourselves, though if you win, I believe you can request costs from the other party.
I would certainly be consideration the injunction/restraining order route though.
Good luck.

Another welcome to Mumsnet, Celtic and 4kids, though sorry about the circumstances Celtic. You're welcome to email me if I can be of any support - I totally get how aweful it is, that sickening feeling of dread...

Truthfully I don't really know what to do now but it's somehow helpful to know it does happen to others.