So DH and I are having The Talk this evening...

[MerlinsBeard]

..and I don't know if i want 'us' to carry on. The DCs and i are entirely financially dependant on him - he pays all bills. I just buy food with child benefit ( i don't work but before i get jumped on, i am not claiming anything i am not entitled to either)

I am a shit talker and could do with some tips to hep me get everything out properly.

Oh I'm sorry, I don't know your story but if I was trying to have the talk I would think it is important, to remain calm and not to cry and to try not to come across as accusatory (even if he is to blame)

so instead of saying you are an insensitive shit, for example, you might say "when you you do X it makes me feel like you don't care about me"

and, I guess,listen to what he is really saying

that's all I can think of without knowing more, sorry

there is no story on MN.

I wouldn't know where to start to not posted.

Thanks for the calm, no crying tip

I would probably write some stuff down now so that you don't forget anything later. plus make decisions now, it is defo over?

so sorry it all sounds a bit fatal

perhaps do not have the money conversation along with the emotional conversation, unless that's already done and you are sorting out details and i second trying to write it down and really listening to what he says

I don't know LoveBeingAMummy. I really don't. I don't know if i want to carry on. But i didn't know if it's The End either. Feels like we have just "existed"for a long time.

I guess the other thing, when talking to a man, is never to assume he knows what you are thinking or should be able to guess what the problem is.

You have to tell him, direct.

And decide before you talk what your "key message" is; whether it is that you want it over, or it will be over unless he doesn't stop doing x or y or whatever. And start from there.

We have covered some of this ground before and nothing has changed. I just can't live like this anymore. We have different priorities.

I am more worried about how the DCs and i will survive financially than i am about my marriage

You WILL survive - He is obliged to provide 20% of his income to support his children and maybe spousal maintenance as well- others will know more than me.

There is a safety net out there to help you is he gets awkward- that's what we pay taxes for.

Have you looked into what benefits you will be entitled to?

According to entitledto.com we will survive.

is there a reason you want things to end, or is it a question of stagnation?

have you tried relate etc?

if you issue ultimatums, you hbvae to follwo thorugh or they lose all power, so don't say anything knee jerk. be calm, have some notes jotted down, and i thikn mrs boogie has given great advice

Mostly just stagnation i think.

I can't and won't make myself be the wife he needs me to be.

It is like having another child

We have both changed but not gone n teh same direction.

NOt tried Relate. Will talk about that tonight.

Oh sweetheart.

Writing it down helps (hence me emailing DH lots )

Tequila does NOT help.

Financially it will work out. You know I am now speaking from experience.

I can't say if space helps - it is too early to tell here. All I will say is to not just finish things without trying something like this separation I am going with. I would never forgive myself if we hadn't tried everything possible.

Again, I vote for counselling. Relate does cost money, I don't know if you can get couples counselling on the nhs, but I will find out on Thursday and let you know.

I'm not going to be about until about 11pm tonight (I have a date with Kat) but will log on after that.

it might be possible to pull back from teh brink, if there is not defining moment of badness that has made this happen.... learning to fall in love again, to like each other as people, not as parents/wife/husband etc can really reignite the spark

good luck x

No there is no single thing. Its just been me and the DCs doing one thing and DH another for so long that in some ways it would be easier to just be single parent once and for all.

i enjoy (mostly) being a single parent,much better than existing in a dead relationship,better for dc long term too..

is he not a hands on dad?

could he move out for a while whilst you work through it?

MoM- I know you feel very negative about all this and it is hard.
I sat my DH down last year and told him exactly how I felt - we too were living along different paths. How I managed to stay calm ,I'll never know ,but I did and he took it all much more seriously because of that. Things improved immensely and he only slips slightly now and again -so much easier to just nip it in the bud.
I know everyone has different issues but, there is always a solution . I'm a lot older than you and let me tell you -age does not always mean you can sort things more easily.
Writing things down as someone else said is quite cathartic -It can make things seem less daunting.

So we aren't talking about it. HOwever, we have spoken to each other today - which we haven;t all weekend

He is trying to "fix things" by doing things with the DCs and has vacuumed the entire house. His side of the bed is now so tidy that Anthea would be proud. He is also looking at a new job (currently self employed)

I have nothing to say that is different from the last time i ranted at him that he needs to do things differently. So we don't really need to talk thigs thru properly.

I have to be a better wife. If that means that I "lie back and think of England" from time to time, then that is what i need to do, i should at least make sure that he has socks in his drawer. I also need to not let the little things get to me. He is the one that works so i need to be the one that 'keeps the home'