God, that subject line makes me sound like a petulant teenager.
Anyway, this may be long and rambling, but I'll do my best to be coherant and concise.
Ok, the start: Mothers Day 2009 my mum had a double lung transplant due to her chronic emphysema and the op was a success. Unfortunatly there were complications on her road to recovery which kept setting her back--on one occasion my dad, sis and I turned up to visit her in the high dependancy ward to find that they were transferring her back to ITU because she wasn't regaining conciousness. There were three seperate occasions when drs expected her to die and told my dad so. Lots of stress and anxiety all round.
I was 28wks pg when she went for the op so wasnt ever much help
During the last couple of months when mum was doing SO much better and was so close to coming home, my dad started to get really down about it all. It got to the point where he was confiding in me on the hour long trip to the specialist hospital that he was depressed and near breakdown. I convinced him to go to the dr and eventually he agreed. I felt a little pleased; not that he was down, but that he was listening to my advice. I've always been a daddys girl and I've never really had the attention I craved from him.
He stopped visiting her at the weekends and would tell me to remind mum of this as he always said he had told her, but she would probably forget. I would the news would always be brand new to her, but I would remind her that dad had told her. On her last two weeks at hospital he went on a 'dr ordered' holiday as he would need to be a carer to her for a brief time upon her discharge.
One week after she came out of hospital in September (I had my DD in July btw) and I got a call from my sister who still lives at home asking me to come round as there had been the mother of all rows. Within days dad moved out--he'd sorted it all out before she came out of hospital. Mum was devastated and completely shocked. Her paranoia got the better of her and through snooping through his phone lists she found the number of his mistress and had it out with him.
Fast forward to now: these past months have mostly been some degree of hellish. My mum has been back in hospital after breaking her hip (the lungs, thank God, have been perfect)and has been diagnosed with clinical depression. She had a crisis team 'on standby' for a short while when she was very bad. Dad is still in our lives, mores the pity. He and mum own a franchise together, which mean they've been working together in the office buildings on mums home (well they're home) but thankfully they're sorting things out finally and are splitting the area which should come into effect soon. They're also getting a divorce.
I look back now and realise that I was completely naive with regards to my dad and that he used me while mum was at hospital. Even when mum found the phone numbers he swore to me he hadnt had an affair. I found out that the first number he called after my husband phoned with the news of our daughter, his first grandchild, being born was her. I also learned that before I knew who she was, she visited the office on a work visit when I happend to be there and I inadvertantly introduced her to my baby. That thought sickens me.
I've had to be strong for my mum who's been in bits as you can imagine and I've always told her not to worry about me as I have a DH who supports me through this. In the first few months before Xmas, my mum needed to share some incredibly personal stuff with someone and didnt feel she could trust anyone else. Because I was on mat leave I went over every day to be there for her and so I was the person she told. Believe me when I say its nothing any daughter wants to hear about their parents marriage.
I also had to council her several times when she was deeply depressed before she finally spoke to drs.
I feel hurt that my once beloved dad used me and now acts as if nothing happend. I feel torn because my mum alternatively wants me to have nothing or everything to do with my dad. I feel bitter that my precious time with my small baby, my first baby, was so badly marred by my making us spend time in such a terrible atmosphere (I'm sure she's fine, its just me...)
And to make matters worse I feel like my relationship with DH is suffering to the point where I'm weighing up the pros and cons of leaving him. I've told him all this and he's aware, but nothing changes. I want to support and communication but he nevers manages to give it. Mostly I worry that there are no real problems and its all in my head and I'm punishing him, not dad, for dads mistakes. I'm scared for my mental health. I've self harmed in the past, and although I'm managing to not cave in, the desire can be overwhelming. I'm crap at dealing with anger.
Its all very recently become even worse because I've gone back to work part time and I'm stuck in some shitty position where I'm basically filling in until they hire a full time person. My day consists of asking the women I share an office with for work, which tends to be photocopying, filing, making phone calls and any other drossy work. I can't even complain becasue they havent broken the rules: I'm still in the same grade as I left (I'm an admin officer in the civil service).
I'm constantly tired which I KNOW makes me a bitch and I think I'm trying to drive him away.
I've asked him to speak to Relate with a view to getting councilling but I'm shit scared.
I dont even know what I want to get out of typing this. Maybe just typing it will be enough? Its just been very hard on me, but I hate that I'm making DH suffer for it. I have so many complicated emotions over this that I dont even know where to begin, so how should he know?
Christ, thats a lot. Sorry.