Need a bit of perspective please and a bit of a rant

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

please bear with me if this is a bit long and rambling as i need to set out the whole story so I can see if I can get this into perspective.

2 years ago my dh had a breakdown caused mainly by his work. I have supported him though this and we agreed that he would stay home and look after dd and that I would go back to work full time so that he did not have to go back as it was too stressful.

I suffered severe PND after the birth of dd and have struggled to overcome this. She is now 3.8 and has been in school since september and dh has been looking for work since then but in the current climate he is finding it tough to get work.

6 weeks ago I had a breakdown after being bullied at work for the last 2.5 years. It has got to the stage where I know that I can't go back to work at the place I have been at and have been looking for another job but becasue I had a lot of time off while i was suffereing depression my reference has not been as good as it could be.

I have negotiated through my union to get an agreed reference and to resign my post and work will give me 3 months severence pay. I am delighted with this as it means I can draw a line under everything and move on. However when I told dh about what I had been offered his reaction was "well if you can't get another job we will be really in the shit and I'll remind you of this when they are repossessing the house"

I'm gutted. I have supported him in not returning to a job he hated and thought that he would do the same. I'm surprised by his reaction and upset.

Am I overeacting? I know that we will struggle financially if I can't get another job but the agreed reference seems ok. I'm passionate about my job but i just can't work at my particular place anymore as it is damaging my mental health which is precarious enough as it is. I want a good clean start and was really happy when I was offered this from my current employer, so why is it that dh can't support me?

Should i just accept what has been offered and not try to discuss this any further with dh or should i try to point out to him that i think he is being unfair? Is he being unfair or am i just too emotional?

Thanks if you manged to read all that.

Your dh seems to have selective memory! You supported him through a very tough time and now he speaks to you like this!

Not very supportive of him, is it? Sorry to hear you have had a bad time at work.

If he insists on being so selfish, make a decision on what it best for you and your dc.

Good luck x

no,he's unfair!! massively so too.

i feel for you....thats such a blow for you to hear,is he generally this unsupportive?

You should not have to work in a job that is causing you stress.

Your dh needs to remember his marriage vows and the fact that you have supported him through crap times.

tbh he is not always as supportive as he might be. I remember worrying about what his reaction would be when I was coming home early on the day I had my breakdown at work but when I got home he was really great. He is up and down a bit with his support really.

Your DH sounds quite negative which can sometimes be an indicator of ongoing mental health issues (and sometimes not..some people are just negative ).

On the face of it he seems like he's burdening you with the breadwinning role and all that entails. An awful lot of pressure when a marriage/partnership should be about supporting one another through the hard times, as you already have done for him in the past.

I think if you sat him down and spoke to him about his negativity toward the situation and discuss things as they are, then you may find it difficult to reason with him. If I were in your shoes then I would take my reference and look for another job and discuss it with him at a later date - at another time when you can reassure him that you are more financially stable.

HTH

"well if you can't get another job we will be really in the shit and I'll remind you of this when they are repossessing the house"

translated from male-speak into plain English most likely means:

"I am worried about the prospect of serious financial insecurity; in fact, the thought of it scares me sh*tless."

Men, of course, do not readily admit to feeling vulnerable, and frequently (usually?) express their fears as problems 'out there'. So it may be that what you hear as an unsupportive attitude is in effect his way of saying he's terrified.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have decided that I am going to accept what work have offered me and I will discuss it with dh later unless he brings it up. Thanks Richard for your male perspective. It is helpful to get a translator sometimes!