Think relationship is dead but he just will not talk about it!

[ALittleTime]

Hello.
I would appreciate other's advice and perspectives on my dilemma...

I will try to make it simple as possible but it is so complicated in my head.

Background Info-
Me 24, Him 33. Have a DC from my prev relationship and 1 DC together.
I work full- and pay all bills as I have good job and he does alot of childcare (we both decided this as best financially). Although he is training at the moment so will maybe change in the future.

The Good Aspects -

We do still seem to share some interests and views, and would probably still get on well if we were just friends.

We are still physically attracted to each other (although there is little sex because of the problems and detachment)

He is good with household chores and childcare (weill do without even being asked).

The Bad Aspects -

A couple of years ago, pre-DC2 just before we moved in together, I had an EA. Although no excuse, I felt unloved as he was drinking too much and generally being an arse towards me. He has since stopped drinking but the EA was never discussed much, just brushed under the carpet as we were just about to move in together to our house when I confessed about it.

He was very emotionally abusive to me in the past when he was drinking.All the stuff I've read about on here - gaslighting etc. This stopped when the drinking stopped but i'm still very wary he could hurt me like that again.I'm worried it's an inherent part of his personality although dormant now. I never got a real apology for the abuse, it's just 'not spoken about'. Although he's not technically abusive now, I still find myself constantly checking for signs of abuse and have taught myself all the signs. He is still pretty hard to live with.

We live pretty much separate lives - he just watches films by himself, me on the internet or reading. We don't talk much (in the old days we used to talk for England!) and if we do it's stifled. I'm more sociable than him and I go out etc but he refuses point blank to socialise with my friends or family so I have to go everywhere myself. If I suggest things for us to do together he usually rejects me saying "I don't like swimming, I don't fancy bowling, I don't go to cinemas etc" which annoys me. We go out together very rarely despite having willing babysitters - sometimes we get on ok sometimes things are stifled.

We seem to have huge resentment for each other and it's obvious we are both unhappy. I resent the fact that I have to be responsible for most things(money especcially) even though I actually enjoy being responsible. I think it's because I have to be, I have no choice - if I didn't do it, he wouldn't - he just buries his head in the sand. On the rare occasion he speaks he says he has a problem with me because he sees me as 'judgemental' or 'nagging' and he says he's scared of being henpecked like some of his friends.

My main problem with this though is - HE JUST WILL NOT COMMUNICATE WITH ME DESPITE IT BEING OBVIOUS THERE ARE HUGE FLAWS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.No matter what I try - waiting until a good time, Approaching him gently, firmly, writing letters, asking questions, i have tried the lot to get him to open up but he refuses. Makes up excuses like a headache or needing to study or I'm interuppting his reading. he rolls his eyes and says "not again". The most I get out of him is "I do love you, what more do you want ffs?" "I can't deal with talking about this" .
I have suggested counselling and he point blank refuses.

When we argue we will both say things like "I'm sick of this/you" , "We just don't get on" "I don't care anymore" etc etc but later on he refuses to elaborate or explain. Just says theres no problem.

It drives me mad. There are obviously huge problems and this relationship is making us both unhappy yet he refuses to acknowledge them so IMO wrecks any chance of us moving on to being happier separately or fixing the problems.

I always think maybe he is just here for our DC as his dad left when he was young and he vowed not to do the same, or because his finances wouldn't enable him to rent somewhere else to live and he doesn't want to go back to his mums.

He has completely shut down from me yet won't leave. Treats me like an inconvenience if I phone him from work.

There are just too many issues, and I feel so alone. Even more alone with him than I would be if I really was single.

Sorry about the length of this post, it has been theraputic getting out all the frustration, but is this what my life is going to be like at just 24? surely i deserve a relationship with someone willing to speak to me and resolve things?

I have tried to tell him if he keeps refusing to speak to me he will have to move out, but he just says "Ok if that's what you want" but keeps coming back.

If anyone gets to the bottom of reading this, I would appreciate your advice.

xx

we must be with the same person lol, guess who buys his clothes.....(drum roll please) none other than me. having talks tonight (apparently) so will give an update later xxx

I guess I am bringing my baggage to it. I am a child of a broken marriage, which continues to be a pain in the butt way beyond childhood and I have friends and family afflicted with Alcoholism and depression. Having said that I left my first marriage very promptly when I couldn't handle the verbal abuse, binge drinking and neglect any longer and figured out that he was not going to put any effort into changing - thankfully no children involved.

I guess that I just thought that your opening post didn't sound too dire and yet your early responders just jumped in with - 'yeah leave him then'. But you will know in your own heart what you need to do and so following your instincts is generally a good place to start. I always worry though that unlike my 1st husband, you will have to remain in contact with this man for the rest of your life due to your DC - and that is complicated and it sounds like his financial contribution post bust up will be very minimal as well - so no walk in the park if you go down that path either. Big decisions ahead. Sim

well the 'talk' was totally pointless....

What happened Mimiso?

Thanks Sim.
I didn't have much of a family when growing up either so thnk perhaps I have tried to 'create' one with 2 unsuitable men since I was 16? That sounds really bad written down. Even although DD's dad (I was with age 16-19, him 21-24) was a twat of the highest order I still stuck around trying to 'fix' things. Won't make that mistake again. OH was ok last night when he came back, hugged me, made me a cup of tea, small talk etc so didn't totally ignore me. I went for food shopping (I like to go at night myself when it's quiet) came back and he was online gaming until we went to bed.Said his friend showed him a trick you can make loads of money, but he was trying it in 'practise' mode first (pretend money) argh. I don't grudge him a pastime, but if this is every night we are together and/or he starts putting loads of money into this without getting any back then it WILL be the end, as he must be incapable/unwilling of listening to anything I have asked.. He said he was tired from essay writing from the training, but not much interaction with me a-g-a-i-n. Was going to ask him if he'd like to have sex but didn't in case of rejection. He asked me this morning though but no time cause of LO's so 'scheduled' (how exciting! not) for later "If he's not too tired" jesus. Maybe I should give him a break, time will tell and all that....

Sorry to hear that Mimiso - if you want to share I will listen and empathize...

Well, he came in late last night from so there was no chance to talk. This morning is when he decided to ask me if he was looking after our DD and I said to him that I have already cancelled work for the rest of the week now so you can go to work. In a nutshell everything is my fault as I dont see what he does for me e.g. when my DS who is his stepS was in primary he used to take him to school. I just asked him whether he needed a medal for that as I dont complain when I take the children to school.

When I was pregnant last year with our DD I was severely ill and he did not help with anything, once incident was when he took a day off work and had a lie in, while I did everything including taking DC to school when I could hardly even dress myself up (sentence too long sorry). He then replied saying oh but when we were renovating who was coming to the house after work to do it. Say what. I told him that that is nothing over and above what any other normal partner would do. I obviously couldnt do it because I was heavily pregnant and could not even move without needing a zimmer frame or crutches.

I then told him that his problem is that he doesnt ever listen and everything I bring up is always my fault eg the kids not wanting to go out with him is my fault. Hello, if he wasnt always so impatient and short tempered with them they would love to go out with him. I then also stressed that his idea of fun for the kid was to take them to the computer fair. What normal kid wants to hang out at a computer fair every weekend. He then replied that HE IS THE ADULT and if he wants to go computer fair with them first then that is what he is going to do. So I said well you have answered yourself, all you think of is yourself - what about what the kids want hey. What about what I want. In the end I just told him to piss off and if I am so unreasonable then why doesnt he just leave as I am fed up of him and his failure to take any blame at all for the state of this relationship.

He comes from a dysfuctional family and has always criticised his dad for the way he treated his late mum. In my opinion HE IS IS DAD, the things he has told me about his dad are the things he does as well but he just cant see it. Even his brothers can see that. Anway I just told him I had no time to argue with him as he was starting to raise his voice.

I too come from a broken home and can identify with you Alittle because I think I try too hard as I hated growing up without a dad. THis then puts me at a disadvantage because then the partners I attract tend to take advantage of the fact that I am a softie and if you are my OH I will go over and above for you. He actually has similar traits to my Ex.......aaarrghh why do I always attract the same type.

Alittle, cant believe that he then chose to spend all that time online again after your talk. He is so so similar to mine its shocking. I am sorry that he is still not fully recognising how affected you are by his behaviour. Men only see what they want to see I reckon

If you really want this to work you might have to resign yourself to the fact that that is how he is like and either accept it or leave. I am suggesting a trial separation for at least two months. Will keep you posted. Have a good day xxx

Oh Mimiso for you, doesn't sound too good. He sounds like a carbon copy of my OH it's unreal. Mine refuses to do any 'child' things with the DC - because he 'doesn't like it' I don't particularly like soft-play centres either but I do it for my DC .

I don't know how I attract these types - I don't think I come over as 'soft' but I do tend to keep trying even when the other person is off and not interested anymore.

I was angry at him spending so much time online too. Like I say, I'm not asking for roses and gushing affection - but I need some semblance of a relationship and it's not what I'm getting - I won't keep nagging him, that just makes things worse, but if he can't be an equal partner then I will be gone. The past few days I have been thinking more along the lines of 'life's too short' and 'I don't want to feel hurt anymore'. Maybe that's a sign of me detaching ? I don't know.

Good luck with suggesting the separation and keep me/us posted x

Well I have an update, a sad one

I think we are going to separate.

After 'the talk' last week, and me using the DESC scripting - basically saying I NEED to not be pushed away and if he does the consequences will be me leaving, he again hurt me today....

His mum was ill and didn't answer the phone for a whole day so I went to check on her before my doc appointment today (note that HE wasn't even bothered about his own mum being ok) - Well she was ok just lying in bed with virus and phone other side of house - so I phoned him to tell him she was ok - I could tell although he was polite he couldn't be bothered talking to me as he was out with his friend helping him with gardening and now heading home (one good point being he had taken DC for me). Which made me sad. And also that he never bothered to ask how docs went for me (I would have done for him)
So I was already upset when walking down the high street I saw a familiar buggy - it was him and his friend - We had just got off the phone 2 mins earlier - he knew where I was was the next street to him but hadn't even suggested meeting up to walk home together.
His face when he saw he said it all - it fell
When we stopped he couldn't get away fast enough, and acted very strange with me - not like a couple at all - more like awkward strangers. His friend looked very confused and I was very embarrassed.
It's like this I guess - he is not overtly nasty but I know he is avoiding me and doesn't really care for my feelings. I know it, and it hurts like hell. As usual, he didn't respond when I called him up on it, just denied it, but that is not the way people who are in a family together act towards each other!!! He made me and DC1's dinner for us before I went to work, but I'm sad because I pretty much know this has to be over - I said to him "You can't or won't treat me how I need to be treated in a relationship , despite me explaining my feelings to you hundreds of times before, so I think we should separate" e just shrugged and said "whatever you want" he looked sad and upset , but didn't try and is still here, him on his computer, me on mine, not speaking - you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I feel I cannot ask him to leave the property because he hasn't done anything really terrible (no cheating, no hitting,not even verbal abuse).
But I know this isn't what I want for a family/partner, especially being so young. Just anticipating him sulking and being nasty when I go to bed on the setee.
So Iam . Am now thinking maybe he is just here for some reason which I haven't quite worked out (if he went back to his mum's she would keep him whilst he studies - for definate) ????

How are things after the weekend ALittleTime? Things are pretty dire between my dh and I- I can see similarities between our situation and yours tbh. Has he moved out?

Hiya. Thanks for checking up on me. Things are dire here too - yes I asked him to stay at his mum's for a while - He hasn't even phoned or bothered to suggest coming to see his DC's since Sun morning I have been crying alot, but he doesn't seem to care - his mum told me he was out at his friends last night. I'm heartbroken . Guess the way he was acting he was just looking for an excuse to get away but just too cowardly to admit it...
I phoned him tonight and it didn't go well. Think I'm going to have to accept the end of our relationship. We don't respect each other and there's no love left I don't think - hurts like hell though.
Sorry to hear about your situation, post on here if you want xxx

ALittleTime, so sorry to hear your sad news. I understand how hurt you must feel given that he doesnt even seem bothered that he is at his mums. Seems like that is what he wanted all along, he failed to see that you talking to him was your way of showing him that you still wanted things to work.

I just hate it when people are so inconsiderate to other people's feelings. He should have been man enough to tell you how he felt than stringing you along when he clearly wanted out. His actions are soul destroying but you will get over it with time although it will certainly not be easy. And dont you just hate it when you say something and the answer is whatever you want, that always make me feel as if I am being unreasonable in my thinking. On the other hand men are strange creatures, he probably misses the hell out of you but is too cowardly to call you up to make amends so he is hoping it will all just go away. A major part of the problem imho is pure and utter laziness on their part. If he really cant be bothered to check on his own mum then you need to question whether he is the right person for you.

Sometimes things will happen in our lives that initially seem like the worst thing on earth to happen to you, but with hindsight you will realise that it was a blessing in disguise.

Focus now yourself and your DC and you will rise above this xxx

Thanks Mimiso.

He finally came to see his DC today, but only saw them for a little while, and he put them to bed bang on 8pm (their bedtime, but since he hasn't seen them he could at least have let them stay up to play with him)

He didn't say a word to me, apart from "What happened to my cd? did you move it?"

He doesn't look happy, he looks angry.
When I challenged him it just turned into an argument, with him saying everyone is 'bullying' him - his mum is exasperated at him and upset he doesn't seem to care about his son (her grandson) so they have been arguing. Apparently he said if he had money he would leave us all etc. Oh what a shame for you - others are pulling you up on your selfish, self-centred behaviour!!!
Tbh, I actually HATE him right now, his sheer (smug) presence grated on me tonight when he came. Although I'm sad too, sad he doesn't have any respect left for me (I don't have any left for him either- although I usually keep quiet about it) I don't even know if I love him anymore and I'm pretty certain he doesn't love me. I don't trust him much either. These are supposed to be the cornerstones of a relationship. It's over, isn't it? He isn't going to work with me to get it back, is he?

It does sound like the relationship is over, but in some ways you sound like hard work. If my dad was ill with a virus and I wasn't in the mood to answer the phone I wouldn't expect my husband to visit my dad, and would feel he was getting at me if he then phoned me from my dad's to tell me my dad was OK. It's hardly a major illness, I doubt my dad would even tell me if he was in bed with a cold. Plus I often forget when my husband goes to the GP or osteopath (and he doesn't go that often).
I feel if something important has happened in his day he's adult enough to be able to tell me about it and not have a sulk because I forget to ask.
If he was with a friend then why would he arrange to walk home with you? You do sound a bit controlling, trying to take over the guy's mum and his time with his friend.
It sounds as though you both see everything as being the other person's fault.
I think some time apart is a good thing, hopefully he'll find somewhere to live other than with his mum.