Would this ring alarm bells for you?

[Maize]

This is very genuinely about my friend and not me!

She has been single for some time and rather unsucessfully looked for a boyfriend in that time - a few of them were put off because she came across as rather desparate.

She met her current boyfriend 2 months ago and is totally smitten. They met online and went on a couple of dates but she was unsure. Then he sent her a very kind Valentine's Day card (she had a bereavment on V-Day and has always found it a hard time of year) and that kind of seemed to cement things and they started dating officially shortly afterwards.

Anyway after a month I finally met him, and I was left with a bad feeling about him.
He made comments about how she should dye her hair back brown because he preferred brunettes (although he has only known her as a blonde). We chatted about fancying a celeb and she said straight away don't let my boyfriend hear you, he will not let me watch it if he knows how much I fancy him!' - and not in a jokey way

It came out in conversation that her mum and her close male friend (who is gay so no alterior motive!) dislike him after meeting him. She is certainly seeing other friends a lot less, and every invite I have extended since they started dating has been ignored.

And maybe most importantly to me my DH who is so laid back also picked up on those little controlly comments and said he felt uneasy with them.

They seem to have got together very fast and got very serious, she practically lives at his house (he lives with his parents), they have had a mini break together etc.

I also don't see her much any more, it is clear that he is a prioroty and I am hurt by that so I wonder if my mis-givings are jealousy. Maybe he is 'the one' and they are together so much because they love each other.

I am just worried that this has some of the marks of a controlling relationship and to be frank I really miss my best friend.

Well, he does sound controlling, but if she's so smitten, I'm not sure she will listen to anybody who points it out.

Oh I wouldn't say anything of course. Just worried from the sidelines iykwim.

I hope I am wrong, will try and organise another meet up and keep texting to make plans with her so she knows I am around!

you sound like a brilliant friend...I hope you get to see more of her soon and he is not monopolising her too much which I don't think is healthy

Yes, sounds like he is one of those types. One of his next moves will be to attempt to get you out of her life completely - other people only get in the way of these men's plans for running things totally on their terms.

You can't say anything because anything negative you do say will sound like an over reaction or just picking on him. By the time things have gone further and his behaviour has deteriorated you will be out of the picture.

You will have to box clever and not rise to any of his traps - he will try to manufacture a split between you.He will say that you don't like him or have insulted him or look at him funny. But if this happens all you can do is make sure your friend knows that you will always be there for her and won't judge her for being foolish and getting sucked in like this.

great post from mrsboogie
this type of behaviour would worry me too and you're obviously not alone in being concerned about this man
your friend sounds v vulnerable tbh,does she have a history of choosing bad blokes?

Well some of his comments do sound off but it is entirely posible that she is seeing less of friends because she herself is so caught up in relationship herself, particularly if she has been struggling to meet someone for sometime.

I know my friend who has been single for a couple of years has just entered a new relationship and frankly I nor anyone else has heard barely a word from her since

I think that something could be said to her. But keep the context in terms of her and not him.

"So, have you said 'no' to him yet?"

"...Just so he knows you are an individual person deserving respect and personal boundaries and to know that you are not his puppet."

I would say it at least 3 times over a few weeks-enough that she will remember that you brought that up. Then drop it. When she ever finally does say no and the predictible result happens, you might hear from her then, perhaps years later.

I think this sort of conversation would focus on the dynamics of relationships and not fall into personal attacks and thus the "oh, you're just jealous" reflexive response. You could always follow that up with 'no, I wouldn't touch him with a 39 and 1/2 foot pole'... and 'I just think you should brush up on relationship skills' and hand her the book: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

for her.

Thanks for the replies, she sent me a jokey text this morning which is the first in weeks so maybe she is coming out of the new relationship fog.

Am trying to persuade her to meet up with me and go from there.

aseriouslyblondemoment - she does tend to get swept away and comes across as needy very quickly with new men. But she has dumped people when it has not been right so I never worried about her falling for a bad boy before.

Yes, alarm bells would ring for me too - MrsBoogie has nailed it. Controlling behaviour is one of the early warning signs for domestic abuse . Women can mistake it for caring - he loves me so much he doesn't want me to spend time with anyone else etc.

You may feel pushed out and ignored, but all you can do is be there for her when she (eventually) needs you.

Alarm bells going off here too.

Your comment about his preference for brunettes made me think he sees her as a blank canvas that he can even colour to his taste. This man may be very hard to get rid of because he's already found out that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar he will continue to present himself as Mr. Fabulous, with gestures like the thoughtful Valentines Day card, while keeping up the pressure on the other hand for her to dump her friends, change her hair, maybe eventually have a baby or two with him in general, focus more and more on him until he turns her into a satellite.

Box clever, as MrsBoogie says, because this is a slick operator she's dealing with. He will not give her anything outrageous that she can put her finger on to allow her an excuse to dump him. She will get sucked in very gradually as he tests her boundaries and demolishes them one by one. You can't be confrontational with her, neither should her mum or her gay friend. He will use anything negative you say about him against you, in the slyest possible way, to turn her away from you.

Boost her self esteem, compliment her on her appearance, etc., be friendly and positive and pay lots of attention to her, listen very carefully to everything she says, ask her how she's feeling and for her opinions on things rather than criticising the bf.

mathanxiety (great name!) thats how I feel too about his hair colour comment. I chased it up by saying how much I love her blonde hair! And to be fair to her she said she would dye it back when she wanted.

Will just be supportive and listen as and when she needs me!

Words are easier than actions, though. Does that mean she has actually dyed her hair brown at this point?

Somewhere deep down she knows what is happening here, or she wouldn't have told anyone any of the things you mentioned.