I've posted before (different name) about my DH's anger.
He 'was' verbally abusive to me and also to our dc, had a tendency to stamp around, would damage things in anger (walls, doors, windows), drank too much (7-9 bottles wine/wk), 'was' hypercritical,sulked, and has in the past shoved me around, shouted right in my face etc. I spent years walking on eggshells around him and suffered depression/anxiety etc.
I got good advice here last summer and I confronted DH and told him that he was being abusive etc.
After much procrastinating he eventually agreed to go to counselling and has been going once a week to a psychotherapist since October last.
I realised that I needed help too, and I am also seeing a therapist once a week.
Dh had an unhappy/abusive childhood (NPD Father, alcoholic mother) and is coming to terms with this now. He is very aware how like his father he is and this is very upsetting for him. We are more able to talk now and he seems to understand my reactions to his anger, and he takes (some) responsibility for it.
In the meantime I am trying to focus on myself during my therapy sessions (hard as I inevitably end up talking about difficulties we had the previous week etc.).
I am realising that I have been blocking out almost everything for years (this tendency started pre dh, but has gotten much worse)- I listen to the radio 24hours/day including in bed and I have other techniques to block out time that I might have for my own thoughts.
If I don't have something to listen to in bed I end up with waves of anxiety/suicidal thoughts etc (depending on how bad the depression is at that time).
This blocking out technique has affected how I cope with the normal things in life to as I can 'forget' about them and inevitably I end up with massive stress having to cope with unpaid bills etc.
Overall, I have ended up in a situation where I feel useless and DH had lots of evidence to 'prove' how useless I can be.
I have problems with distinguishing when I am right or when I might be over-reacting. I don't trust my own judgement. This is not helped by dh, as I often feel that I need to write things down as I get totally confused in arguments and feel frustrated when I think DH is bending the truth to win an argument (this can be about housework, lie-ins, anything at all)
Consequently I find myself going over and over whether I/we are doing the right thing by trying to make things work.
I find that minor things can be very upsetting. For example Dh and I usually get the 3 children ready in the mornings (3 under 5), I then do the school run with all 3 while he gets himself ready. He leaves after I get back (i.e. loads of time for him even to do some cleaning up, which he 19/20 times decides not to do). This week he got up late 2/5 mornings leaving me to wonder whether I would be left doing everything by myself, then this morning he didn't get up at all (well, he did at 10) so I did have to do everything by myself. The children were up several times during the night, we had a row because he was swearing etc (telling me to F off/shut up etc - generally being angry). He was tired and pissed off with me so just didn't get up..
I don't even know how to talk to h about this. Or rather I know if/when I do bring it up it will turn into a blazing row so I am of course afraid of talking about it, if I don't talk about it resentment builds up etc.
He will, as usual, say I'm over reacting. I don't really know whether I am over reacting etc.
I have asked my therapist many times whether she thinks that there is any hope for us. She says yes as he is committed to therapy himself (which he is). But I end up worrying all the time about whether she is right.
Sorry for the long and rambling post - I'm trying to wean myself off the radio and allow myself the time to think..