dh stinking of booze, denies having drunk, I think he's lying, what do I do? (had affair 3 yrs ago...)

[cuppa]

Dh been working late. Last night got in at midnight, night before working at home till midnight. Yesterday away on business.

Got in actually earlier than planned, which was most unusual & lovely surprise - got earlier flight.

Anyway, we're talking and I get whiff of booze (stale, like he's had a big piss up and it's starting to sweat out of pores iyswim) I don't think and just say something like 'how much have you been drinking'. He insists just had a couple.

Later in bed I've had time to think and am sure that smell results only from having drunk quite heavily say the night before. I ask him directly if he's been drinking. He gets really defensive & denies it completely. He falls asleep & now basically whole room smells of sweated out stale booze so I am really sure, but dreading what it might mean

If he has been on a bender, then he wasn't working late & was lying to me - lots of bad memories of affair come flooding back. But yesterday he had his car at work, so would've meant he drove back pissed, which I find v. hard to believe. Or would he be smelling that much tonight if he'd been drinking heavily today?

So how do I handle it? DO I just let it go? DO I insist he has obv. been drinking - room stinks? I can't access his mobile? Feels sick tbh

While the issues around his previous affair remain unresolved your marriage will struggle. If you are determined to stay with him you need to find a way to put it behind you.

If you can't trust him you have no marriage and you are doing your kids no favours either.

catwalker he did that sort of stuff 3 years ago, but not anymore.

I know I need to get it sorted for my own mental wellbeing, but also don't want to push him away by constantly looking back to it either. Maybe I should start a thread for tips on that? I've seen a couple recently about recovering from an affair, but that was in the initial aftermath. Can't believe that 3 years later I'm still here

Cuppa, I really hope somebody who's been through this successfully will visit your thread and give you some specifics. There are some wonderful advisers here, however my relationships aren't shining examples. Here's some of what I've learned anyway.

The problem isn't you. You're not "failing" to get over it, because you are the one who's been injured. If you'd broken your leg, would he say you were wrong to feel pain; would you be saying you didn't understand why you couldn't walk? He broke your relationship; he caused your pain. He needs to understand that and take responsibility for helping to mend his marriage.

Actually, it won't be so much mending your marriage, it'll be more like creating a new one. When a person has cheated and regrets it, they obviously feel shocked at what they've done and want things to get "back to normal" asap. I'm sure you did, too. The hard fact is, "normal" has now changed and there's no going back. The marriage you had was one where you trusted him more or less completely, and where he never imagined he'd do anything to cause you so much pain. It happened. Now, afterwards, you still love each other but it's impossible to feel as you did before - because, now, you both know stuff you didn't know before.

What you can do is build a new relationship between you, which can be even stronger for your new understanding of each other's weaknesses.

First, though, you BOTH need to heal the pain you're still suffering. If he loves you, he won't want to think of you hurting so much. One good start is to ask him for specific support, to help build your faith in him. If he's working all hours, he could phone you often - once an hour, four times a day, whatever helps you - just quickly for a chat, to let you know where he is & what he's doing, and to help you feel more connected. What else will help you? Do you need to organise more frequent dates together; has your sense of being a couple got eroded?

It's important to discuss your lives together in detail, and make plans for your future. What you want, your ambitions and dreams may have altered in the time you've been together. See if you can get a new excitement about the years to come. Maybe you'll even make a whole new set of plans.

There's lots more you can do - and he can do. You'll think of some for yourself, and other people may offer advice on what worked for them. Basically, you're not 'wrong' to feel on pins all the time - and he can do more to support you. I hope this works for you.

You might feel better for getting some counselling as well as getting your DH to work with you - not to help you "get over it", but to help clarify your feelings.

Cuppa - but you thought he might be having another affair last summer didn't you, when he was grumpy and stressed all the time? He managed to convince you that he wasn't, but like I said then, he perhaps hasn't accepted that any deceit or behaviour reminiscent of the affair period is going to cause you doubt again. Trust has to be regained - and he hasn't managed it.

I suspect you never got to the bottom of the affair last time and it is like a permanent sore. Did he ever do any work on himself last time in terms of understanding how he was capable of hurting you so much?

Not really no. just trying to look up marriage guidance and it seems to be costing £100 for an hour (individual, or £200 for 1.5 hrs pair). I just can't afford that.

He hasn't called all day which made me feel down, given the circs so I called him (actually to do him a favour) and he was really snappy so just had a row involving phones slamming down. Wish I hadn't called and feel like shit now.

Counselling seems to be out of the Q due to £ so now feel stuck in a corner.

Thanks a lot wwifn. do you really rmemebr all this stuff I really appreciate yours and everyone's input. Where do we go from here. (btw believe he wasn't having an affair in the summer but it's just so hard constantly worrying, looking for signs, feeling threatened when he's mentioned the same name X times (in conjunction with X being ever so thoughtful and attentive to his needs above and beyong the call of duty imo)

Yes I do remember very well. I remember being sceptical then and I'm sceptical now.

Like I said to you before, because that memory of his behaviour is so fresh and raw 3 years on, any repeat incidence of it will cause you to feel hellish again. Every time he is grumpy, snappy, suffering from mentionitis WRT a colleague, being found out in a lie, it will all come flooding back. He knew that last summer. He knew that you were still in a bad place. Did he revisit your worries at all? Did he ask you in July, August or any of the subsequent months how you were feeling now?

Or did he think - well she's had another meltdown, it will all blow over and I can carry on more or less as normal?

Cuppa, what ever the outcome of this current crisis, please admit to yourself this time that as an individual and as a couple, you have never really dealt with the loss of trust. It was his responsibility to get to the bottom of why he was unfaithful and he didn't do that. He failed you.

Relate isn't normally this expensive and generally they charge downwards of £60, based on a person's capacity to pay. Private practitioners specialising in infidelity charge much less - in the South East £30-45 is more the going rate. They are often as good, if not better than Relate.

Did you ever read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? This has some really good talking points and exercises for couples recovering from infidelity, but it is almost more important that he reads this rather than you.

Don't let this one blow over again. You need help.

thanks so much and i agree totally with what you say. but here the going rate is £200 p 1.5h and I just can't afford it. So waht do I do now that is out of my reach? I have heard of that book, but i thought it would be more relevant to just after the event. Do you think it would still be worth getting now?

i can talk to him again this weekend and tell him what you've said, but he won't know what to do or how to fix it. I guess i'd have to spell it out for him, but problem is, i don't know myself.

am so glad you're here btw!

Okay, but do think more laterally than Relate. Think private people too - google for your area and phone screen them. My criteria would be do they specialise in infidelity, have they read the work of Shirley Glass and Frank Pittman and if so, what is their take on their work?

I didn't buy that book until we were almost a year down the line. It would still be a godsend to you now. For me, it confirmed that we had been asking the right questions, but I found there were still some issues that were a revelation to me, such as attachment styles. My H learned a lot, but particularly from his second reading of it.

I would suggest that you cannot start this conversation with your H until you feel in a place of safety. You've obviously got worries about his over-attentive colleague (can you explain more?) and so until your mind is at rest about the current state of play, I don't think you can revisit the past.

Once you are sure there is nothing going on right now for him, the conversation needs to start with you've realised now that he never did find out why he felt entitled to break his marriage vows before. That he never has made up for the enormous hurt.

The biggest crime in these years is that your H hasn't taken responsibility for your marriage in the way you have. This is why I was asking whether he checked back with you after the summer. He dealt the hurt, so why doesn't he feel a responsibility to tend to you and his marriage? Why does he feel that he can still behave like a grumpy arse every now and then? Why does he feel he can still lie? When he sees that you're troubled about the relationship with the colleague, why doesn't he feel it is his responsibility to keep reassuring you?

Let me give you an example of how it should work. If nothing untoward has happened in a normal day, my H (nearly 2 years on) will still ask "How were you feeling today?" If we are watching something on the TV about infidelity, or even something obscure that we know will cause a flashback, my H will say "Was that painful for you - it was for me?" He seeks information and is prepared to give it.

On the rare occasions when he has behaved in any way like he did during his affair, ranging from accidentally still having his phone on silent after a meeting, to an over-reaction with the DCs, he has been horrified that this caused a flashback, let alone that I may have thought anything untoward. He once said that he would tell himself he had failed terribly if I ever have any suspicions ever again. He would therefore regard it as his failure, not mine and has always considered that creating trust again was his responsibility - and not mine to get that trust. Can you see the difference?

yes, I see the difference. I feel jealous and wish I had that support!

Re the colleague - she is the assistant to dh boss. She is famously protective of her role and refuses to assist any one else. So she'll book the boss's flights, but no one else's - they have to book their own. Now she books dh flights to, though she will flat refuse to do anyone else's. He told me she had the massive hump a few weeks ago when he had a team meeting followed by social and she wasn't invited 8she's not in his team!) and sulked for several days about it. Now, through the goodness of her heart she has diverted dh phone to hers as she has noticed how busy and stressed he is, so she can decide who gets to speak to him & who she fobs off, again, no way would she do this for anyone else. Now last night he was booked on the late flight home, and she, bless her, noticed that a free spot had come up on the company jet that had been previously fully booked, so she'd been keeping an eye on it? Dunno, but miraculously and again, through the goodness of her heart spots a vacancy has come on the private jet and transfers his booking to that.

I just feel v. uncomfortable about how attentive she is being to his needs when she is famously unhelful to the point of being rude and abrupt and refuses to book a flight or anything for any one else other than her boss.

So, am I being over sensitive? Or do you agree that I'm right to feel uncomfortable about this woman?

I will order that book.

have tried other counselling places, but will possibly not be in english. Will not rule it out though. Will investigate further next week.

So I should not start convo this w/e? And tbh, this is a bit my point, I can't be sure there's nothing going on. I have only his word for it. And there is always that little voice of doubt. Though if asked I do believe him, but that voice is never absent.

Cuppa - he still hasn't been able to explain the smelling of drink has he? He's just shown you a few bits of proof and blown a smokescreen over the whole thing.
You know the difference between the smell of fresh beer just drunk and the after-a-bender sweaty smell. He has lied to you. Whether its an OW or something else you can't just forget about it. Maybe he has a drink problem or some other secret and is scared you'll think the worst if he tells you.

no but I don't see a logical explanation. If he was smelling of stale booze at say 8pm, would that have been from the night before? In which case it doesn't add up - he was def working till midnight and he drove home. I don't think he could've got that pissed at hime bwn midnight & x o'clock as he would've left traces - glass, bottles etc there's no sign.

He couldn't put any explanation

No I think you're right to be concerned at this woman's behaviour. Have you got yourself more involved in his work then, have you made yourself known there and met her?

When you get that book, read the bit about lifestyle vulnerabilitities. If your H is working somewhere where infidelity is tolerated or even encouraged, it doesn't help.

Do you still snoop?

Cuppa - am suffering similar so have read your thread for ideas. Feel free to read mine too for the same! WWIFN is, as usual, a fantastic star on this kind of stuff (drags WWIFN over to my thread -----

i can't snoop. Have no access to anything. I have never been to his new work (changed shortly after affair) . tbh feel really weird about going into his place of work since then.

I warned dh about this woman, not in a telling him off type way, but saying I felt uncomfortable with her and warning him of the possible dangers of history repeating itself and not to sli into anything. Or should I not have said anything or handled it differently?

I have ordered that book. Did I already say that? I feel sick tbh now and upset and don't know how to be with him tonight & this weekend.

Thank you so much for your support. It's 8 pm, just called to say he's on his way home so might have to logg off soon.

No you were right to say something. I understood that very well downthread. It was to be hoped that his antennae would have kicked in before you had to say something, but since it didn't, you did the right thing.

I do think it helps if you become part of his life at work and present yourself as a united front. It's a huge part of his life and as a couple, I think it helps intimacy to have met the people he spends a lot of time with.

What do you mean you have no access to anything? I assume he has a phone?

blackberry, due to nature of work v. secure with pin & passowrd which changes reagularly I don't feel I can ask every week or so what his password is. And can't fathom out phone so well either. even if i had access to it, he could easily hide anything he wanted.

sorry - he'll be here any minute, 1 last Q, what's my best tactic for this w/e /tonight. Do I say anything?

I really admire you for being so ready to help out so many people in these situations. It's not easy. You are remarkable and do a lot of good

Ok, was v worried but as soon as he came home I felt relieved iyswim. I have a good feeling that all is ok ie he's not up to anything. But I do want to deal with the issues so this doesn't continue as it is. I will try to talk this w/e,and also make him read the book (after me) and see if he can organise counselling for us both. I think it's just all neatly filed away in a little box in the back of his brain almost forgotten about rather than a conscious attempt to ignore iyswim. I'm going to make him understand I still haven't successfully dealt with it, and that's in part due to his reaction ( out of sight out of mind) and that he has a responsibility to me and our marriage to help me in this.

Good, cuppa. Sorry, had to break away to RL!

Do update won't you? Try to explain it in terms of responsibility. He hurt you grievously. You still haven't recovered. You don't trust. He took that away and it it his responsibility to replace it, if he wants you and your relationship.