Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you recover from an affair?

24 replies

sortitout · 15/04/2010 19:57

Brief facts:

DH has been having a relationship (sexual) with a colleague for the past few months. When I found out and confronted him, he walked out for a week to "clear his head" and then came back saying that he had chosen me and the kids (4 and 2) over the OW and he wanted to repair our marriage. On that day, he gave a "full" confession including all the sexual details.

So, we are a week on from him coming back and I am pleased he has come back and we are trying to work at things. However:

  1. I still can't trust that what he's saying is true.
  2. We both need a visit to the STI clinic
  3. He is not sorry enough about what he's done - he has said "sorry" as though he accidentally tipped a glass of water on me as opposed to deceiving me for months.
  4. The OW is still working in his office, although his employer knows about the affair so he is still seeing her every day.
  5. He cannot rationalise why he had unprotected sex with her (we only ever did this when we were TTC the kids)
  6. Although he seems slightly sorry to me, he is not at all sorry for the hurt he has caused to our large families and our friends.

I don't know what to think or what to do. Any help would be appreciated. I am not someone who thought that I would never be writing this, I am the product of a broken home so I am quite familiar with the deceit and sadness.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 15/04/2010 20:00

I'm sorry but all those points would lead me to kick his arse out the door on a permanent basis.

If my DH was stupid enough to risk our relationship by having an affair that MAY be something we could work on BUT if he risked my health by having unprotected sex with OW he would be on a one way ticket out of my life.

HappyWoman · 15/04/2010 20:18

There are few things you need to do.
Firstly of course you are not going to believe anything he says at the moment - you would be a fool to.

As for him not seeming sorry - he probably isnt at the moment - what has he lost exactly?? Not you, not his home, not his job and maybe not his misstress!!!
This is classic - i think he is still wanting something from the ow and that is why he can still manage to work with her.
Are you sure his work know about it or is that what he has told you?

Dont be rushed into anything just yet - you are still in shock.

My advice would be
See a solicitor - be armed with your rights just in case.
If you feel you cannot bear for him to be working with her then say so and dont be swayed by him. I think for me that would be one of the conditions.
Get a counsellor so you can talk in a rational way.

good luck

Gonnabehappy · 15/04/2010 21:46

I would echo the don't be rushed. I know the feeling of being glad you have a chance to work things out but you have the chance...think before you take it what you want to do with that chance.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/04/2010 01:04

The single most empowering thing you can do at the moment is to suspend any decisions. Please don't tell him that you can forgive, or that you have decided to commit to this marriage. This isn't game-playing, it is the truth. You might feel enormous relief just now that it appears he has chosen you and your DCs, but you simply cannot know whether this is too big a hurt to get past, or whether you are capable of it.

In terms of what needs to happen now, he should cease any unnecessary contact with the OW, giving you enough information to support your belief that this is over between them. In an ideal world, he should not work alongside her any more and so he should start making moves now to change jobs/roles. Sadly, upon discovery, many of these relationships start up again, particularly when the parties still see eachother through work. This relationship only ended because you found out and it probably didn't run its course.

We are all different, but if I hadn't been convinced of my H's sorrow and genuine remorse in the initial aftermath (it is unmistakeable from the sorrow of being caught) I could not have attempted recovery.

I wouldn't rush to counselling at all in these initial post-discovery weeks, mainly because it is nearly always the case that the betrayer is still lying about - and sanitising - their own role in events.

In these early weeks, you will perhaps also be feeling very unsafe and frightened. Your whole world has been rocked and it will seem as though a seismic event has shattered your very existence. You will also feel massively insecure about the continued and daily threat of the OW.

Amongst the many questions you will have about how the affair started, who initiated it, who knew about it and how frequently/where they met up, the most pressing question will be "why?"

You will need a teflon skin if there is any tendency on your H's part to blame you for his behaviour, or to blame the OW disproportionately. Affairs happen in good marriages; they happen in bad ones, but adultery is always wrong and the unsighted and deceived cannot and should not be blamed for its occurrence. You need to distinguish between accepting responsibility for any problems that might have existed and the response to those problems.

If he does go down the blame route and claims marital dissatisfaction, your response should be that the adult resolution would have a discussion with you - not an affair.

It is not an easy journey and male infidelity in a marriage of under 10 years' duration is not a good portent for the future.

Once you have sorted out the major questions and got to a place of safety, take the counselling route. You might find it better initially if you each have therapy on your own.

Infidelity is all about the person practising it and your H will need to resolve why he felt entitled to risk not only his relationship, his family's security but also your health. It nearly always emerges that infidelity is yet another example of extreme selfishness on the part of the betrayer and that this selfishness has always blighted the relationship - and will blight any further relationships unless it is resolved. Your therapy will be about the choices you have open to you, whether that is finding a way to live with this, or leaving the relationship.

Now that you are sighted about the infidelity, you have more power than when you were being deceived. The worst (although it won't seem like that) is over, because you know what you are dealing with now. What you won't know yet is the extent of the deceit, or the full details.

I always recommend creating a timeline for yourself, starting with the last time you felt joyous and happy about life. Cross match your feelings and inner dialogue with when this relationship started (including the pre-affair build up) and you will probably see that you have been suffering for far longer than this affair's active phase.

That is now over and you have got the power back to determine what, if any, marriage you want for the future. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity to get the life and/or marriage you have always wanted and deserved. Don't squander that opportunity, whether your choice is to heal alone or starting a process of forgiveness.

Remember that forgiveness is very much a process. It cannot and should not be given instantly. It can only be given if someone is genuinely sorry for the terrible hurt and it is only worth giving when you know exactly what it is you have to forgive. Above all, it has to be earned.

Do keep posting, as there are so many of us on this board who have been through this trauma and can help you.

sortitout · 16/04/2010 13:43

Thank you very much for the responses. I am struggling really and I am confused.

At the moment, H is not blaming me. He says that I have never put a foot wrong and tells me I am a model parent. He is not blaming the OW either, so I think he still has feelings for her. She knew very well that he was married with little children, indeed she has a child herself. Having divorced her husband, she now has a DP and he has another 2 children (again he is also divorced). It sickens me that there are a total of 5 children involved in this affair and I don't know why it doesn't sicken DH or the OW. There are divorces left, right and centre and there seems to be no sense of regret anywhere. I think they are both disgraceful people and should be ashamed of themselves.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/04/2010 13:57

Telling you that you are a model parent isn't going to cut any ice with you at the moment, though is it? Few people have an affair because they thought their spouse was a bad parent, after all. It's good that he's not putting all the blame on the OW, but he doesn't seem to be blaming anyone very much, when he should be blaming both himself and her.

I agree it sounds like he still has feelings for her and in your shoes, I just couldn't move on if I thought there was no regret and an instinct to protect the third party and not you. Does her DP know? He might be a great ally to you at this time.

It is chilling that there is no sense of the hurt caused to children, but as you well know, affairs are built on selfishness - and they are probably both as selfish as each other.

I don't think you are ever going to believe that he has chosen you for the right reasons and while they are still working alongside eachother, I think you will always have that doubt. How would you feel about insisting on some conditions?

sortitout · 16/04/2010 14:59

I have insisted on some things:

I bought him a wedding ring last week (he's never had one before in 9 years of marriage) and I insisted that he wore it and never took it off. I know it isn't going to stop him cheating if he wants to, but he was willing to wear it, having been (and still is) extremely anti rings. (I have always worn one).

Her DP knows, but he doesn't know all of it. I think he knows very little - kiss and a grope sort of thing, but it was actually a totally full on affair. He has taken her back. I sort of want him to keep her really, so she is not available to my husband. Although I could contact him (would be hard, but I could find a way), I think it could be counterproductive in that both DH and OW would be very angry with me and driven into each others arms.

What is just so bizarre is that DH had the perfect life. He was good at his job, had 2 lovely children, a nice house a (decent I think) wife and a lovely extended family. There was nothing more he could have asked for in life, everything was perfect. It wasn't for me, I knew he was being increasingly rude to me, never helping, shutting me out etc, but for him I can't see what his problem was. I think he may have been jealous of the attention I have given the children over the past few years. I was also really ill when I was pregnant both times and he had no idea what to do.

Thanks for your posts, they are really helping me.

OP posts:
geekdad · 16/04/2010 16:09

Don't, don't, don't try and take the blame for his behaviour. There are NO excuses for infidelity.

I also think that WWIFN is spot on about the difficulty of believing "that he has chosen you for the right reasons". That's exactly how I felt for a long time after finding out about my DW's affair. It is very early days yet, and you must focus on YOUR needs right now and what he must do in order to support you.

Agree totally that the power is yours, even if you don't feel it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/04/2010 16:12

If you have read any of my posts, or read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, you will see that I often point out that it is frequently the over-benefitted partner who strays. People often assume an affair was as a result of not "getting enough" of something, when it is often the reverse. Their needs were being met very well, but they weren't "giving enough". This sounds like your situation to a tee.

This is because affairs are rooted in selfishness. Stop analysing how good a life you made for him and wondering why he felt the need to do what he has done. Stop wondering whether he felt jealous of the attention his children demanded. He had a great life, but he still said "why not?" when an affair opportunity presented. That is his problem.

I understand your reluctance to contact the DP for fear that this will drive them together, but that very rationale betrays that you still feel he would choose her. That's because he hasn't given you reassurance that he has made a definite choice for the right reasons.

Wearing a ring is a painless and easy condition to meet. Leaving his job/role, being transparent and open, doing everything in his power to atone for the enormous hurt and taking himself off to therapy alone are more painful conditions, that perhaps you think he won't meet?

Unless someone has stared hard at the reality that their actions have ruined their life - and that he could still lose everyone and everything about his wonderful life - they will never dig deep and change their baheviour long term.

Without these basic considerations for you, do you think you'd have the strength to ask him to leave again? I think he needs to fight for you. I think you need to act tough right now and tell him that you don't think he's really sorry and therefore you cannot forgive.

It would also be worth sharing some home truths about how abysmally he has been meeting your needs too - and that you have every assumption that another man could and would in the future.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 16/04/2010 16:15

Your life was shit because he wanted a reason to justify sticking his unprotected dick in another woman and by being mean to you, and you possibly reacting to it, is his justification in his mind.

sortitout · 17/04/2010 08:08

Unfortunately I do not have the strength to ask him to leave. I will admit my weakness in this area.

Last night, I saw some emotion from him which I was very surprised about. He said I was a nice person and did not deserve the hurt that he had dished out to me. He was also very upset about his own situation (confusion), although bizarely he said that he did not hanker after going back to OW. He said he was just really sad that he didn't love me because I was a nice person and I deserve to be loved. He also was happy to lay in bed naked with me and also to kiss me but stated that he did not find me attractive physically and could not have any sort of sexual contact with me! I will add that I am exactly the same shape and size as when we met 11 years ago so I don't think I can take it as there is something physically wrong with me. I am just a normal person, quite plain, not hugely attractive, but nothing wrong with me either. He also stated that he wished he loved me.

Does this sound like a normal part of recovery? I don't know how to interpret what he said. He also said that he didn't remember ever loving me, but I know he did and various family members remember how things were when he was totally in love with me - so he has forgotten or is in denial.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 17/04/2010 09:35

He has had to re write the history of your relationship to justify the affair. My DH did this with me, said he didn't love, didn't ever want to marry me just went along with it (after 3DC and preg. with no.4) etc, etc. Put all the blame for all the wrongs in the relationship on me. They lie to us and they lie to themselves.

Please get the book, it does help explain things very well. My DH has only just started being receptive to it after realising it does explain what was going on in his head at the time. FWIW, I think the recovery is a very slow progress for both spouses, it took a long time for my DH to start to realise he played a major part in the problems in the marriage, that the affair was the reason he started looking at me differently and putting the blame on me.

It's painful for them to look at themselves and recognise their flaws for what they are, selfishness, entitlement, arrogance etc. And I didn't get the whole truth out of my DH for at least six months, he realised that he had to tell me everything in the end in case we bumped into OW and she told me something I didn't already know IYSWIM.

It was only when my DH started to accept responsibility for what happened, that it was his fault and flaws, that he started to see me as the woman he fell in love with and who he did love, the mother of his DC etc. He had made me out to be the devil to justify the affair to himself and the OW. I would suggest that your H is only just starting this phase, he is probably in his head still blaming you. They say some very cruel things and the fact that he is still working with the OW is probably still clouding his judgement, she's probably still in his head. He really needs to get away from her - is there anyway that could happen ?

And I know what you mean about the kids involved - there were 6 in my case - utter selfishness on both their parts (which is why always put equal blame on the OW - she knew my DH was married with 4 kids, he was wearing a wedding ring as well).

Good luck, you are at the very early stages and it is a truly horrible time. We did have about 4 months worth of Relate, we had a very good therapist though.

TDiddy · 17/04/2010 09:44

Hi Soritout- extremely sorry to hear. I think that the sooner you move on from the discussion as to whether he loves you the better. Strange thing to say...but I think it will not help you or your relationship if your DH thinks of you as the poor victim. It will not help your dignity either. So if you could maintain control and dignity that it will be great. So many men/women like the chase/unattainable. I don't mean that you should play a game with him but you need to continue to maintain control. Who needs a DH anyway

TDiddy · 17/04/2010 09:55

Sorry, I wasn't recommending that you leave him (or not). I am just saying that if you could sort of "move on" in your own mind and tell him that you didn't want/need his pity and that you will reflect on it all and make a decision later. Don't look to him for physical closeness (hug the children). I just think that there is a risk of you becoming the "poor victim" in his mind. Be positive, take up some more exercise/sport/gym. Call your friends, organise yourself, take control. Don't let him sleep with you out of anything else but raw desire NOT out of decency (how crap!!). You sound like a nice person and you will emerge from this.

Think of yourself as starring in your own movie....chips are down kind of movie...and then think of how you would urge the star of that movie to act...go for it

countingto10 · 17/04/2010 10:07

BTW, Sortit I went out and treated myself to a new wardrobe, new hairstyle, highlights etc, just to make me feel better. Really do start thinking about yourself now, what you enjoy doing but have given up when the DC came along etc. Start with repairing yourself and putting yourself first above everyone else including the DC.

TDiddy · 17/04/2010 10:08

good thinking countingto10

TDiddy · 17/04/2010 10:10

I would say don't even think about him or the other woman

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 17/04/2010 12:19

Oh dear. This didn't happen to me and I know I would have asked him to leave if it had - I just couldn't have stayed with someone who was claiming that he didn't love me and didn't find me attractive.

The "re-writing history" bit didn't happen to us either fortunately, but it is incredibly commonplace. IME, usually when the betraying partner wants out and isn't committed to the primary relationship.

I do know there are women on here who did put up with some vacillation for a few weeks - and hopefully they will come on and advise you about how they coped. From what I remember, two things worked in their favour. They took control and initiated divorce proceedings/got the H to leave and secondly, insisted on no contact at all with the OW.

Regarding the latter, in many ways this is like an addiction. So cold turkey and no contact often works, but if your H is going to continue to work with OW, that's not going to happen, especially if you won't insist as one of your conditions that he has no contact.

As a general rule, in these situations I always advise taking control back, again for two very important reasons. As other posters have said, hapless victims aren't appealing or desirable and secondly, taking control will do wonders for your battered self-esteem.

Going to a solicitor and asking him to leave doesn't have to be a permanent state of affairs you know. But believe me, living with a man who feels only pity for you will completely erode what esteem you have left and you will grow to hate him for doing that to you. So play a long game here and assert yourself - please.

countingto10 · 17/04/2010 12:45

Yes, WWIFN, I did pack his stuff in binbags and I did consult a solicitor, he also stayed with his mum for 2/3 months as well. We did go to Relate during that time. His mum also gave him her opinions as well .

He also cease contact with OW a couple of weeks after he left her - wanted to let her down gently as he thought she could cause problems. Got rid of 2nd mobile (let me take a hammer to it), got rid of facebook a/c, other email a/cs as well as letting me have the passwords for them. They have to show that they are committed to you. If I am honest DH thought in the early days that we may not have made it but he was well aware for everyone's sake the all contact with OW had to cease, so that he and I could work on our marriage and what we wanted with clear heads.

I must admit that when I first found out what he was up to, I wanted to stave his head in with his golf clubs. A good dose of anger is very helpful in these situations to let them know that you will not be treated that way.

twinkerbell · 17/04/2010 12:53

I think it is possible, I also think sometimes when things are tough at home or you start dirfting apart it is easier than people think to fall into somebody elses arms ESPECIALLY when you work with them everyday and chat to them,dont forget you are spending more waking hours with them than your spouse/partner!
I would have to insist that he moves jobs im afraid however hard that would be, I couldnt deal with my dh working alongside someone every day that he was having an affair with

Also, you may need more than week apart, me and had almost 2 months apart and both really missed eachother and had time to think about whether this was what we wanted or not and what it really would be like not to be in eachothers lives anymore- sharing care of dd, eating alone, shopping for one, evenings alone etc etc. you cant do that in a week, especially after you found out all that

sortitout · 18/04/2010 13:26

Thanks everyone, I think I am going to get some legal advice this week.

The job situation is extremely difficult. He has this job so that we can live where we live, close to family. If he was to ditch it, it would mean moving away and I cannot possibly move away from my large support network particularly at this time. Similarly, it means that OW is also unlikely to change jobs. Work is aware of the situation, I told his boss personally and his boss was furious. The boss is keeping an eye on the situation, but at the end of the day, if it isn't going to impact the company, he's not going to relocate either of them.

I have treated myself to a haircut and a couple of visits to the salon, but at the end of the day, I don't feel bad about myself physically. I am just the same as when we got together so I have no reason to feel bad about myself in that way. I also don't feel bad about the way I have conducted myself throughout the marriage, I have always done the right thing and I am a decent person. It really is for him to feel bad, not me. I am not by any means perfect, but I have done my best and behaved decently.

OP posts:
twinkerbell · 18/04/2010 17:49

good girl!

sometimes things just dnt work out no matter how much we may want them to or who hard we may try.
I understand the reasons about the job but there is always a way if necessary! and why SHOULD you move away from your support network, god knows you will need them if you do split up.

sounds to me like you know its probably wtong to stay together but you still love him and don't want or deserve to be a single parent/divorcee and it itdoes feel like failure, I have touched it all myself as I said. Although my situation was not as bad as yours.
take care of youself and get the proper advice you needx

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/04/2010 19:39

Sortitout - I'm so pleased you are putting the blame squarely where it should be. What ever you do, should be to make you feel better.

Please do seek some legal advice - and tell him that's what you're doing too. I really wish you could ask him to leave until he can be fully committed to you - people like him often need a short sharp shock to realise what they are about to lose, whereas it's sounding as though there has been no penalty whatsoever for deceiving you for months, taking huge risks with your health and being cruel.

Is there a possibility that the OW has ended the relationship, against your DH's wishes, and that would explain his current state of mind?

GeekOfTheWeek · 18/04/2010 19:57

Not much to add but in your situation I would insist he moved out. I would also make a conscious effort to mantain my dignity and self esteem. Don't play the victim and beg him to stay.

Be kind to yourself.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread