dealing with conflict in relationships

[chocolatefinger]

I really need some help. I just cant handle conflict of any kind in my relationship with DH. We?ve been married 2.5yrs and have a 1yr old child. We both work full time and for the most part he is a fab DH (does 50% of childcare stuff, loads of stuff round the house, cooks, does lovely gestures all the time - I could go on and on). HOWEVER, he has a temper on him and when there is disagreement, or something he needs correcting on- we cant just sit and discuss an issue, it turns into a row. This is mainly because he takes any such discussion very personally and gets very defensive.

The usual situation is that he will shout and sulk and generally dominate things (sometimes with good reason and sometimes without) and I will do my best to avoid the shouting- though I can give as good as I get a I am very afraid of the repercussions of it. Its like I am completely insecure in the boundaries of conflict. I seem to think that all issues/ rows ? at the time of discussion- are terminal to our relationship. I usually end up trying to resolve it when it isn?t my place to do so- for the sake of the peace.

This happens when a row is required and when he feels that he needs to let off steam. If I think he has done something wrong and I am upset about it, he then gets really annoyed with me being upset with him and suddenly the discussion is about the fact that he is annoyed with me being upset and he sulks/shouts.

Since our DC was born it has been much better, and since I went back to work full time, better again. We seem to work well as a team but the rows/conflict when it comes really unhinges me. I am so afraid/insecure/ walking on eggshells. I think the issue is probably as much me and my fear of arguments as it is his temper/ anger streak (he doesn?t do anything violent ever)

Right now he isn?t speaking to me because I said something awful last night- for whatever reasons it happened -and he is upset about it. He barely spoke to me all evening and so I felt I owed him explanation/ apology- so emailed him. Not ideal I know but I did this because I felt I could get my point across with out being shouted down but this email caused him to send me a really aggressive text message back saying I should communicate better etc and making some other nasty comments.

I am beside myself. I am at work. I should have replied to his aggressive text, saying what I thought but I cant face the fact that it will add fuel to his fire and he wont speak to me for days. So I sent a calm reply ? now I am annoyed with myself. . We have the day off tomorrow for a family thing and I know this will overspill into it.

The bigger issue here is that he this has been going on since our first proper row (been together 4 months, was on holiday, was awful, awful awful, he wouldn?t speak to me for an entire day) ? since then I haven?t taken part in rows as I think I should as Im too scared. So I have slowly built a resentment for him about this. There is so much I want to say and one day I will and will be so awful he will probably walk away?.

Am I making sense at all?. I cant talk to anyone real life about this as it sounds like a huge moan. Which it is.

Thanks for reading all this- if you are still with me.
CF. xx

You poor thing. There's nothing worse than feeling that you can't say what you want to me able to say.

I take it you have never told him how you feel during rows? (ie you feel there's times that you're not able to say how you truly feel in case it turns into him not speaking to you for days). It's not fair that he doesn't speak to you for days at a time.

I have just finished a thread and so many posters helped through today.I dont know if your situation is similiar to mine but my life now seems out of control.Things have esculated and even the smallest comment now puts me into a spin.We tend to regard incidents as individual things but if we look back there is quite possibly a pattern.I too rack my brains some days thinking why I am being ignored?Tiny little things become huge and I am now a tenth of the person I used to be.It seems really unfair that we need to 'get mean', because we think we should.I went through a stage of saying 'hey thats unacceptable', but as you say it just adds fuel to the fire.I am unable to participate anymore, I nod my head and wait and see where it goes.Its awful.I hate hearing myself think sometimes.So today I made a few steps to rectify the situation.I just cant keep up with 'his arguments' anymore.

thanks guys
Newbie- you are right, I've never said what I thought- when rows are in progress I dont want to rock the boat, when we are fine I dont want to raise the subject for obvious reasons.

MMama- thanks- I will look for your thread tonight (when at home from work). Nice to to have a companion in this weird exisitence.

I've no idea what my evening will shape up to be tonight.

I hope for calm discussion but i suspect more sulking is on the cards. Makes me so sad.

Sorry, but he sounds like a bully. That's no way to live your life OP. Is there never a time when he's open to talking about stuff without sulking/shouting?

That's ridiculous to know you're going to get home to more sulking - bet it makes you feel as though you'd quite happily not go home tonight.

I'd be interested to hear your answer to molesworth - but also has he always been like this in arguments?

Just re-read your OP and realised you've got a DC - better rephase my first sentence to say - bet it makes you feel as though you'd quite happily not go home tonight if DP is there!!

when you dont want to go home to your DH something is seriously wrong.

you need to agree to got o relate or something. if he doesnt want to talk to you is best he goes elsewhere til he does. and til he/you both relaly want to adress this one way or another.

or you take DS elsewhere for few days.

you cannot go on like this walking on eggshells etc - you say is better than before but it doesnt sound like it.

There is very little I have to criticise in my OH but I do hate it when we argue or row.

The first time we rowed I was completely taken aback as he said mean comments and I am not used to that at all.

I didn't want to do the same back as that would "lower me to his level" so I basically shut up and said nothing.

After a few times I realised this could not continue so we sat down and had a frank discussion about the way we argue.

He didn't like it - no one likes being criticised, but once he got over the initial harrumphing period he did actually listen to what I was saying -

Thanks for your posts.

I have come home and he came in and has virtually said nothing to me. He made dinner, cleared up (very like him to do that kind of perfect behaviour in other areas) and now he has gone out to do something in his office.

So - he is sulking in a big way.

Molesworth- tbh, I am not sure there is a time when he will discuss anything really. He will not accept any form of being in the wrong.

Cest- I'd love to do relate. I am one of those people who finds talking to counsellors very useful (did years of it myself alone) but I am too afraid to suggest it as I know he'd hate it. Although I know it could be the last solution available to us.

Temple- thank you for sharing your situation. It sounds very similar. I think i need to have a similar conversation. It would certainly show me the real situation. I just dont know when to bring it up. Did you do it outside of the peak of a nasty row?

I could go outside now and apologise but I know that will unleash the rage in him and it will intiate a row. I just cant face it. Whenever I apologise he never accepts it- usually just uses it as lever to let off steam. So its not tempting to go and apologise.

Do all DP/ DHs say nasty things during rows? Is it normal? I really dont know.

I grew up in very distorted family with divorced parents who never really spoke (never saw them row) and so I've had no experience of conflict being positive. I am just terrified of it. Some of the thigns he's said to me have been appalling. He's never said sorry.

Generally after we have had a row we do have a conversation about the reason for the row. This does sometimes have the side effect of sparking off the row again, but not so much recently.

When talking about it, try not to lay blame, use "I" statements, explain how you feel and what you can do as a couple to make things better. But do talk about it, even if you are afraid it will spark off another row.

Could you go out to him and, rather than apologise, say 'It's so painful when you're not talking to me'?

you are very early on in your relationship.

Being much further down the line than you are I would suggest that:

you have the confidence to draw some boundaries...i.e. what you will accept from him. Perhaps for example you will accept him not wishing to talking to anyone for a couple of hours but not for a day or two. You might accept him calling you names in the heat of the moment but will require a heartfelt apology afterwards.

Tis very very important for you to decide what is acceptable to you. And for you to communicate that to him.

You DO have this right you know.

The idea that you have to apologise to him to make him snap out of his mood is wrong. We all might do this, especially if we have been in the wrong to start with, but it is not a recipe for the future of your marriage.

Not sure if that helps but hope it does. You will get some very good advice here so stick around.

Good Morning- thank you for all your replies. Sorry for silence, I was busy with relatives all weekend including Friday.

After my post on Thursday evening, the whole thing blew up into a ?dreaded row??. Despite going on for ages- it was needed and aired a lot of issues on both parts. I told him how I cant stand the way re disagree and how he reacts and he was very clear in telling me how unhappy he is with regards to a lot of parts of our relationship. I was not really surprised by this as I knew I?d been giving him v little attention in all areas since going back to work and since having our DC. Seems he is so unhappy he doesn?t know if will be together long term- which I was surprised about.
There is a lot of work required on my part to try and get things better and I hope on his too. I think he got that we have communications issues and I hope we can step towards resolving those.

Made me realise that despite having some not so good times with him recently and even considering myself that we should break up ? I really don?t want that.

I think the advice to tell him what is and whats isnt acceptable is good. I think I will try to have another conversation about communication with him and see how he reacts....