Relate?

[WilloughbyWallaby]

DH and I have been arguing really badly since having DD 11 weeks ago.

We were never the kind of couple to have blazing rows, but now we do, pretty much every week and sometimes more than once a week. He has admitted that he feels like I am 'controlling' him and it makes him very defensive. He also tends to be very deliberately obtuse and provocative during rows, I suppose we just know how to wind each other up after all this time. I don't consciously try to control him, but I admit that having DD has made me feel very helpless and desperate at times, and I have been trying to get him to help me more as I feel like I'm just falling apart sometimes. I've tried to organise days/nights out without the baby, but for one reason or another it just hasn't worked out (DH mixed up dates and is actually on a stag do this weekend when I was supposed to be wedding dress shopping with my best friend - am her maid of honour - DD was ill another time, DH had a work commitment the time before that, etc etc) and I've started to resent him and his unchanging life, when I barely even have time to wash my hair. I feel like I have lost every part of who I used to be.

We had an argument so bad the other night that I slapped him. I've never been violent before to anyone, but I just felt so much rage and I just did it. I know there's no excuse for that type of behaviour, especially with our tiny little girl in the next room. I am so ashamed of myself.

After this latest fight I decided that we should try some relationship counselling. We still love each other very much and in no way would consider divorce, but we both agree that there are problems with the way we are communicating at the moment. Our first session is supposed to be tonight, but DH isn't keen. He says that he knows he is behaving selfishly and has been rebelling a bit after having a baby, and he understands that I feel isolated and alone, but he thinks it's something we can sort out by ourselves. I can't understand what would make me slap the man I love, no matter how angry I am. I think we need to find a way of communicating properly, because most of my anger is because I feel like he hears me talking, but doesn't really listen and take on board what I'm saying. Us trying to 'sort it out ourselves' is obviously not working.

I suppose what I'm asking is, is this the sort of thing that Relate will be able to help with, and what experiences have other people had?

yes it should help. the good thing is you recognize what you did was wrong andyou trying to do something about it....i hope dh supports this...

it is very early days with a new baby. you are both still working out how it works - coming to terms with the fact that no matter how good your plans a baby's sickness or other stuff will get in the way...you are no longer in total control and that is something you have to get used to.

you going to be maid of honour at a wedding - well on that day your baby might wake up with a virus with sickness and diarrhoea - you cannot plan for every eventuality (tho you can make sure you have back up plans) .

are you getting out with baby to mums' groups and stuff?

11 weeks is very soon after having a baby, it's not hugely unusual to argue or drive each other mad. You're probably both sleep deprived.

Going to relate might help, but I'd have to say I agree with your dh that you probably just need to get a bit of time together without the baby, and to talk to each other about how you feel, and probably just to give it a few weeks til you're both a bit more settled into being parents.

TBH, I've always been a bit sceptical about Relate and similar relationship counsellors. Their counsellors don't have to have any personal experience of a successful relationship, then can be single, separated or divorced as long as they've had the training. I would rather seek out a wise couple in their 60s or 70s who have no counselling qualifications but 30 or so years of successful marriage under their belt

Great, thank you both for your replies. We ended up leaving the baby with my mum and going out for dinner together instead, and I have to say, we feel a million times better about things.

Imgonna, I sort of do understand that, but I suppose you could argue that what works for one couple might not work for another. I think we will keep the details of our nearest counsellor just in case, but you are right, I think 11 weeks is probably very soon and it does have to do with sleep deprivation - so far DD has been awful!