Help

[Chrissy257]

Ok, first time I've done this sort of thing so be patient.

I'm a man in my 40's, good job, sole earner, 2 kids. Wife has long term illness and we've been distant for some time and grown apart, probably as a result of the same. Both find it difficult to talk about the situation.

Recently got close to a woman (divorced, 2 children) at work who I've known for years and found that we've got what can only be described as a connection, something that I've never had before with anyone and this has affected me very deeply. Almost spiritual?

I can only describe what I have as an unconditional love for her, as opposed to a type of infatuation...I'm really clear on the difference here!

Yes, I feel bad for feeling this way, but part of me feels so good for knowing this person as well as I do. She absolutely lifts my spirits, that's the only way I can describe it.

I'm sure it's not a mid-life crisis either.

Just really need some guidance from you women out there...

Thanks

Hi Chrissy - are you saying that you have never felt this way about your wife? Not even when you first met?

I'm sorry if I'm being terribly blunt here, as I may have got the srong end of the stick, but, is what your saying (in a shortened form) that your wife is terminally ill and you're cheating on her with another woman?

Hi chrissy,

I may be flamed here but it seems to me that you are very vulnerable at the moment.

It may be that this "friendship" with the woman at work is a true "connection" - or it may simply feel that way.

Probably your home life is sad - for both of you - not to mention your kids. Your wife is not terminally ill just long-term ill? Is that right?

I sympathise with you, but I am not saying that what you're contemplating is right.

unconditional love for a woman you work with?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?

You ask for guidance, but with what? Whether you should embark on an affair with this woman? Whether you should leave your ill wife? Is her illness physical or mental?

Am rather about a person with 2 children saying they've never felt unconditional love before. Isn't that sort of the point of parental love?

You were only ever infatuated with your wife, but now you finally know what unconditional love is like, you know you'd never want to leave this new woman, even if she was ill too? That seems awfully convenient.

My advice is to cut back your interaction with the other woman to purely professional and try to make your marriage work. Unless you've already betrayed your wife and slept with the other woman, in which case you have to face up to being a louse and drop the pretense of a 'spiritual connection'.

so chrissy, are you still around?

Don't panic and run. We are actually all quite reasonable and wise on here if you can handle a bit of flack.

Hi Chrissy,
My H cheated on me when I was undergoing treatment for cancer. He seemed to have written me off and was actually acting single whilst I was fighting not to die. It was as if he couldn't wait. The other women were waiting for me to die so that they could replace me. Needless to say I didn't feel supported. I live on, but the memory of his behaviour is very painful. We live mostly apart now. Try to imagine how you would feel if your wife cheated on you whilst you were ill and in need of her support. Until you live with someone you do not really know them. The OW may not seem so special in a mundane domestic situation. If you are caring for some one who is long-term sick you do need support, but from family and friends, not lovers. My H had depression (and probably Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and it was no picnic living with him, but I was always faithful. Have you considered ringing a Relate Therapist? This could help you enormously. What illness does your wife have?
Good Luck, at least you are questioning your own behaviour.

I am really struggling too understand how anyone can make vows to somebody about In Sickness And In Health and all that and then sign up to a parenting site for permission to shag a subsequent "soulmate"...

How exactly do you think that we might help you?

My god, you are an absolute pig.

Your wife is ill. You have two children who no doubt are already traumatised by their mother's gradual decline and you have the temerity to come onto a social networking site to ask for permission to cheat on your family further? For gods sake. Life is not a film, relationships are bloody hard work and you are being incredibly selfish right now. Your FAMILY need you, not just your wife. She deserves more than to know in the back of her mind during her decline that you were cheating on her whilst she was fighting for her last few months. Your needs come second to that of your wife and your children right now. Stop being a coward and start thinking of them before you move another woman into your life.