how to work out financial /other arrangements at separation time

[LaDietrich]

me and dh have separated for a while but there was always a sense we might get back together. From him mostly as he seemed to be refusing to accept that it was really over and felt it was all down to me and my irrationality. However last week I found out a lot of stuff that makes me understand WHY things could never have worked out now after years of wondering what was wrong and blaming myself (infidelities on his part, dishonesty over years, inertia and utter non-engagement which was put down to me "needing too much"). I am feeling angry and wounded but strangley liberated as for a long time I felt I was going mad, as he kept insisting the problems were all in my head. Anyway, this newly liberated me wants to draw a line under the whole sorry marriage and move on now. I need some advice on what teh situation legally is so that I can start to think properly about MY future, and my kids.

We've both always worked, me 4 days a week him ft. He has just been reduced to 4 days a week at his job now though too.

We have a large joint mortgage on our home. He has moved out into rented accomodation and I am not sure how long I can go on in the home on my own. Is he legally obliged to continue to pay into the mortgage, even though he is renting himself now? Also, what is teh situation about pensions? I don't have one, he does. I always assumed I'd share his when we retired. The kids live with me (2 kids, 5 and 8) and will continue to do so, they'll probably spend every second weekend with him. He will babysit them at the family home twice a week so I can go out and he will pick up drop off to and from school a number of times a week to enable me to continue in my job. This will all happen from family home, unless I insist otherwise.

Is he legally obliged to contribute to the household outgoings anymore?

I know you'll say get a solicitor and today I have put wheels in motion to do that (can't get through to CAB) - what should I expect from solicitor? one firm I rang offered an appt but said it would be £100 + VAT for initial appt. Gulp!

Tbh I'm not sure what advice I am looking for - just need to know it'll be ok and we won't all starve and I won't have to work myself into ground (anymore than I do already)

Right now he isn't legally obliged to do anything. However, it is not in his interests to allow the mortgage to get into arrears - he can still be held liable by the mortgage provider, it may go on his credit record as well as yours and if the house is repossessed it will reduce the value of the assets to be shared between you.

He should be paying child maintenance. If he isn't doing so already, you can either agree this with him or ask the CSA to sort it out. With two children, he will have to pay you 20% of his pay after tax, NI and pension contributions are deducted. This will be reduced by one seventh if they spend 52+ nights a year with him, two sevenths for 104+ nights and so on.

His pension will be considered when splitting the assets. There are three possibilities:

• it may be balanced against some other asset so that, for example, you get all of the house but no pension
• part of the pension may be paid to you when he starts drawing a pension
• his pension pot may be split between you

You should try to sort out the split of assets and any spousal maintenance (e.g. a contribution towards the mortgage) between you. You will both have to declare all your assets as part of this. Negotiating through solicitors will push the costs up, reducing the amount of money available to split between you. Failing to agree and going to the courts for a ruling will push the costs up even further.

You should be able to find a solicitor who will give you an initial half hour consultation for free. Try to find one that specialises in family law.

Good luck

thanks prh

I called around and turns out £100 + vat is teh CHEAPEST - maybe I will continue to ring around as a free initial consultation might be enough - though I suppose maybe it's worth the expenditure to have some clarity now. I tried calling CAB loads of times today but it was always engaged.

I'd like to speak to someone this week as I'm still signed off from work with stress (due to his behaviour for most part) but from next week will be back to grindstone with little room to deal with it all

If you can get through to the CAB or go and see them, they may be able to help you find a cheaper solicitor. The amount you have been quoted seems a bit steep to me, but maybe I live in a cheaper part of the country.

He does have liability for the mortgage. When my OH's ex wife moved out of their house, he had to foot the bill for the mortgage on his own. His solicitor advised him to offset child maintenance against her share of the mortgage payments, to avoid the ridiculous situation of her sending him x amount per month to pay the mortgage and him sending it back as child maintenance.

Even with that though, the recession hit and as he was self employed he went through a period of time where he only got £64 a week JSA and was therefore unable to pay the mortgage for a few months. She refused to contribute and as a result they went into arrears.

The upshot of all this is that although now the mortgage is paid, INCLUDING all the arrears, no thanks to her, and she has finally agreed a settlement figure, we have bene told the mortgage company will not release her from the mortgage and therefore she will not receive her settlement until it has been 6 months since the arrears were paid off - so she won't get her dosh till October - ha ha!! It has also adversely affected her credit, as well as his.

I guess where I am going with this is that it is in the interests of both parties to ensure the mortgage is paid as long as both your names appear on it.

The best situation for you is either to sell the house and split the equity 50/50, or for you to buy him out if you wish to continue to live in the house. But a solicitor will be a better idea.

Oh and BTW, £100 is nothing once you enter into the divorce courts. Expect to end up spending £1000s in solicitors fees if you can't agree it amicably. Even if you get Legal Aid you will have to pay it back out of any settlement you get.

Once children and finances enter into it, it takes a lot of money to settle.

Be warned though - family law solicitors are sharks. They will try to draw the process out as long as possible to extract the maximum amount of money from the pair of you. They don't give a toss about the best interests of either of you or your children - they just want to make lots and lots of ££££ out of you.

Apologies to anyone on here who is a family law solicitor, just going off personal experience and that of other people in similar situations.

Mumblechum recommended resolution.org - very helpful site. You can search for local ones and it tells you which offer legal aid, if relevant.

The factsheets are worth reading.

Good luck.

IME £100 an hour is definitely at the cheapest end of the market (in the South East at least), but most of them used to offer a free half hour up front, two or three years ago - a sort of "getting to know you" session. Don't know if the recession has prompted them to change this practice. Agree that you should go for one specialising in family law.

CAB is a good starting point for finding out your rights in general, and at no cost, although it is no substitute for legal advice/representation tailored to your own case.

thanks - I still can't get through to the CAB and expect if I go there I will just have a long wait to try to get an appt so I think I'll just suck it up and pay the 100 quid to get advice immediately. I expect/hope things will be amicable (as long as I can keep my anger under control) and so we won't end up dragging through courts etc so hopefully this will be it. I do just need to know where I stand though.

I hate it - being in this situation after expecting to spend the rest of my life with him. It's really hard.But I guess it must get easier right?