Buying a house together, very different tastes. Is this bad?

[Pawslikepaddington]

Dp moved in to my place last year. I have always had a very feminine style, so can understand why he would not be overly keen on it, so some bits have been put away, and some of his very large man things put in their place.

He really hates my style, and does elude to how terrible my taste is every time we have to look at things (he is very keen on lots lots lots lots lots of black and pine, I am very keen on cream painted wood and soft furnishings. He likes cheap furniture that serves a purpose, I like more expensive furniture that will last well. I have seen a chest of drawers for dd's room that is half price, and will go very well in a kitchen, lounge or dining room once she has outgrown it. However, I feel I must run all purchases past him now, and he will veto it because it is not his taste, even though it would fit in dd's room beautifully.

I feel like such a traitor as I am contemplating buying it without his consent, but he will not allow me to buy it if I do (despite me using some of my money to do so, as he used his spare £ to replace the tv, so I need to use mine for household things too). I feel so 1800's woman in her place, and it's driving me mad!!! I used to be free to chose things!!!

Was he this controlling before he moved in with you, or did it come on when he started seeing himself as the "man of the house" and therefore the boss?

It's not his job to tell you that you have dreadful taste - taste is a personal thing, and yours has equal value to his. Also it's not his job to "allow" you to spend money which you have earned.

You need to deal with this quickly, if you don't want to assume the role of 1950s housewife.

god this rings alarm bells for me!!

does he also pass comment on how you dress? hairstyles?

Hang on, you have to allow him to have his Man Things, but he won't allow you to buy anything in Your Taste?

Does that not sound even a little bit wrong to you?

you feel like a traitor for spending your money

he will not allow you to buy things

alarm bells would be ringing very loudly especially as he has moved his stuff in at the expense of yours

read your post back - it sounds bad to me (as an outsider)

I'm with you Paws.Fortunately style and taste are not gender specific,there is a chance that it's nothing more sinister than your bloke possessing neither.Though obviously if it extends to other areas of your life then it's a flashing light.

Well, I think that some level of compromise in home decor is healthy - DH and I definitely don't have the same tastes, which means that we have to discuss and agree what to spend our shared money on. This means that neither of us buys things for the house without the other agreeing (well, ok, I have actually bought on impulse a small few things that DH isn't too keen on...) On the other hand, I get the impression that a quite a few men are willing not to have much say in how their surroundings look - when we went to choose chairs, the shop assistant seemed genuinely surprised that DH and I were trying to agree on something we both liked.

I wouldn't buy a chest of drawers for our house that my DH actively disliked, I'm afraid. If he said "yes, that's okay", that's one thing, but to take money from our joint account and to have something in our home for the next 40 years that he doesn't like seems rather unfair - I wouldn't accept it if he did this to me.

p.s. your DP's taste does sound pretty awful - is there some way you could drag him out of the 80s? Is there anything in between you both like?

I haven't been able to get on here for ages, I am so sorry. I am used to guys that really don't care what their homes look like, so no one has ever commented on my decor before now, so I was totally knocked for six by it. I showed him it and talked to him, and he was actually fairly reasonable about the whole thing. I think it is more that he hates spending money, so if someone else has something which means he doesn't need to buy it, regardless of what it looks like, he will choose that over anything.

He is really not as controlling as he sounds, he would just get upset if he had spent money on something for the house (i.e. the tv), and I spent the equivalent on something he didn't want. He would never dictate what I wore etc (and does a fair share of the childcare and housework without being asked). He is a great man, I am just worried that I will live in a house full of horrid looking things!

My dh and I have widely differing tastes. He does the decorating so the house largely suits his taste. I have put my foot down though and the bedroom is all mine (I have a serious white company habit).

I am keen on communication and compromise with partners. I am pleased that this worked out well for you paddington.

Sometimes me and DH have quite different tastes. If it was down to me I would have all white painted furniture or light oak, but he likes more contemporary style and darker colours. I think its a matter of compromise, you will find a middle ground somewhere. I still moan about the sofas we have, but they are very practical with small children and I have a cunning plan to have them re-upholstered in pale linen eventually!

DH keeps going on about changing the telly and sticking it on the wall, which would look stupid in our house, so I put my foot down. He probably gets frustrated with me.

It must be much harder though if he has moved into your space.

The more I think about this the better I feel that we are getting somewhere together. Our rented place is super tiny (2 floors, 6mx5m squared each) so everything feels so on top of you all the time. The new house is so much bigger that things should hopefully not be sat on top of each other, so will become more cohesive.

It will be so good to move!!!!!! I had a huge commitment freakout when we bought it, which is fading slowly, so all will be well eventually!

I think the unfortunate thing is that you are both at opposite ends of the scale re what you like.

Husband & I often don´t "love" the same things so get something we both like.

I do think it´s polite to ask others opinions but I´m a bit at him vetoing something as innocuous as a chest of drawers!

Do you have a link to it by any chance(nosy!)

DH and I have some different opinions. genrally if one of us loves something the other will OK it to keep the other happy, after all a bit of furniture is still just a bit of furniture. Big things like sofas, room decor and carpets we have to both like though so often end up with something bland we are both OK with rather than the design one of us would have loved and the other hated.
If this is in your daughter's room then he sounds a bit controlling. I wouldn't live with someone without a joint account though. I would never just buy something knowing my husband hated it though. He is more important than stuff.

"Said chest of drawers www.aspace.co.uk/seconds1/landsdowne-changer-chest-of-drawers-34830".

I do totally understand that he is more important that stuff, but I was worried about him veto-ing EVERYTHING, i.e. I was not allowed anything I liked. Hmmm.

Ha ha, I am so rubbish at links!

Some men do have a genuine interest in home furnishings and interior design: I'm married to one. Have you tried computer simulations to show him the effect you want to achieve (and show him how crap his black and pine would look )

Computer simulations would work as he does them for a living, but I would find them too stressful as I would then see that mine were as bad as his! He he!

'I feel like such a traitor as I am contemplating buying it without his consent, but he will not allow me to buy it if I do (despite me using some of my money to do so, as he used his spare £ to replace the tv, so I need to use mine for household things too). I feel so 1800's woman in her place, and it's driving me mad!!! I used to be free to chose things!!! '

Are you for real? Why on EARTH would you want to be in a relationship with, much less buy a house with, someone who makes you feel like this and controls you like this?

Sorry, but I think you're crazy to buy a house with this chap.

Hope you're at least legally getting things sorted out in case you split/he dies/whatever.

Well my husband is pretty easy going and if he doesn´t hate my choice then that´s what we usually go for.

But he wouldn´t want that chest of drawers anywhere other than daughter´s bedroom.

But he wouldn´t stop me buying it for there if I really wanted it-even with "our" money.

you could also try pointing him in the direction of his manly spark-plug changing duties or drop hints about how attractive you find men with spanners as opposed to the ones that ponce around talking about curtain fabrics.

OP-could you compromise buy having the chest of drawers just for you daughter´s room-and not wanting to use it elsewhere afterwards?