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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know when its over?

58 replies

loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 22:12

Love my DH of 6 years (together for 12) but he has a new job. The boss takes the PISS he works from 7:45 - 7pm plus, also Saturdays. When he gets home, he is understandelby knackered and falls asleep on the couch.

This is not the life I want. If I had wanted to be single I would never of married, and at the moment I am leading a single life.

the DC complain coz they never get to see him, I have spoken to him about this, he agrees but hes too spineless to speak to his boss. I dont think its unreasonable to want him to be home for 6pm?

He says he is doing this for us, I dont doubt him, he is a great husbnad and wnats the best for us... BUT this isnt the best for me.

I feel there is no relationship anymore because he is always so tired, I am unhappy.

OP posts:
Reality · 13/04/2010 22:38

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tartyhighheels · 13/04/2010 22:38

myh leaves the house at 6.30, commutes to london and gets home at 7.15 - he earns the money, i run the house - that is the pay off

i wish he were here more but there you go, at least he is prepared to work hard for our family - you are making it sound as if he cannot do right for doing wrong

GypsyMoth · 13/04/2010 22:38

so you still want HIM....just not the situation??

i thought marriage was all for better or worse etc? it wont always be like this.....

i'm wondering how i coped as a forces wife now!!!

Spero · 13/04/2010 22:38

O for goodness sake.

If you post this OTT crap, then sorry, but you will get posts pointing it out.

Just how are you 'destined to a life of being alone' ????

So your husband works hard. Good for him.

If you don't like it, talk to him. Find a way where he can still do his job without doing excessive hours that mean you can't both enjoy each other's company and your family.

But please consider all the many other situations people find themselves in, people who would love to be in your situation. That is not being nasty to you, or indulging in competitive misery, but just suggesting, ever so nicely, that you get a grip.

MollieO · 13/04/2010 22:40

Is 7.45am to 7pm your dh's actual working day, ie he leaves home earlier than that and gets back later, or is that the time he is out of the house each day? If the former then it does seem like a long day. If the latter then it seems pretty normal to me.

Obviously you have to decide what is acceptable for you. Can your dh get another job elsewhere that has better hours? If so then I'd encourage him to make the move. If not then it is up to you whether you wish to be a single parent or not. At least your dh does come home and you have some time together. That surely has to be better than life as a single parent?

LadyintheRadiator · 13/04/2010 22:40

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GypsyMoth · 13/04/2010 22:41

do women in this day and age base their lives around a husband?? really....make your own life....why put it on hold for anyone?

what do you need him there for? to go where? do what? you're a capable woman i'm sure

Original poster
loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 22:42

Reality

LITR it is hard, Because with his last job he was home by 4:30 latest, its hard having the kids nag on about me about where their dad is

Spero dont get me wrong, I love how hes so commited to us, but I am just so unhappy with our situation. Why cant he ask his boss to let him finish at 5 -5:30? When he went for the i nterview this is the time that he was told he would finish. Thats fine, it means he can get home and have a chat with the kids and tea etc, most nights hes in for 8:30 but hes soooo god damn tired

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Spero · 13/04/2010 22:43

I can appreciate that the op wants and needs to spend time with her husband; that's natural, that's why she married him but I still think it is way OTT to ask 'how do you know its over' in the circs.

There are other ways of resolving this than dumping him.

Is he perhaps working extra hard to impress his boss because the job is still quite new?

Spero · 13/04/2010 22:45

OK, my advice would be: keep your head down and get on with it for six months. Then approach boss and say, look you know I've got a family, my current working hours are very difficult for us all. Either I get to cut down or I am going to look for another job.

tartyhighheels · 13/04/2010 22:45

destined to a life of being alone

that is all a bit melodramatic isn't it??

you are are coming accross a bit high maintenance about this - i wonder, given your thread title if you are just looking for a reason to walk away - i just cannot see your problem

Reality · 13/04/2010 22:47

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Original poster
loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 22:47

but just suggesting, ever so nicely, that you get a grip.

begrudging

I am looking at going to college as I cant seem to get a job

Mollieo -he leaves at 7:30 to be there for 7 :45 and he can get home anytime from 6:30 (extremely rare^) too 8:30ish.

I have asked himto simply tell his boss that he needs to be finished by 5:30. Is that to much to ask?

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Reality · 13/04/2010 22:49

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NonnoMum · 13/04/2010 22:50

It sounds pretty normal hours to me.
A shame it makes him so tired.
BUT, agree with lots of posters here in that it's simply your DH out working a long(ish) day to support you and your family.
Just calm down a bit and see if he can arrange to come home early one night (Friday) and give you a hand with bedtimes? And then have a take away and a chat and a laugh.

Spero · 13/04/2010 22:51

No, it is not too much to ask, but be careful how you ask him and how much pressure you put on him at the moment. You love each other, you are a team and sometimes that means you have got to give him extra support when he needs it. Sounds like now is one of those times.

sounds like he has got sucked in to trying to impress the boss, or the boss is showing his true colours and is being an exploitative bastard.

You can resolve it but it may mean looking for another job. I agree that the kind of hours you describe are not great for happy family life... but a lot of people have to put up with similar or worse.

LadyintheRadiator · 13/04/2010 22:51

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chubbasmum · 13/04/2010 22:52

i just think there is more to it ????? i work a 12 hr shift in a hospital my ex had a problem with it and left me its called MAKING A LIVING, what do you expect the poor guy to do. Why dont you get a small part time job that way he could do less hours

Original poster
loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 22:52

Yes I do have a tendancy to be melodramatic, and no Im not looking to walk away, but Im just not happy with current situation.

It goes alot deeper than just his working hours, his boss is a twat who belittles him and everyone else when possible (hence probably why DH has to work such long hours because this knob cant get people to work for him for longer than a couple of months as he works them like dogs)

I have to put up with DH's bad mood when he gets home coz hes been bitched at over something trivial, its just a nightmare, a nightmare company to work for.

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Original poster
loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 22:57

Big thank you to LITR and Spero for being understanding whilst being constructive.

I am not a monster I am simply upset, (unreasonable or not)

Reality, yes I have worked, but always made sure I am here for my family.

Excuse me for being inhuman and feeling upset

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Spero · 13/04/2010 22:58

Then talk to him. What are the other options. Where else could he go for a job. sounds like he would be able to explain his situation to new employer quite easily; I need a job where I don't have to work every weekend. That is reasonable.

Yes, you've got to put up with his bad mood, but he has got to work in what sounds like a pretty horrible place. Coming home to a wife with a face like a slapped arse is not going to help.

RubyPink · 13/04/2010 22:59

At least he has a job loopylou, keeping a roof over your head etc and bad moods? we all have to put with them surely

Spero · 13/04/2010 22:59

sorry, I don't mean to be rude, I just love that phrase

RubyPink · 13/04/2010 23:00

LOL 'a face like a slapped arse'!!

Original poster
loopylou6 · 13/04/2010 23:01

My face is like a slapped arse if I dont wear makeup

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