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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do liars or people in general ever change? long

11 replies

QueenofOlympia · 13/04/2010 11:05

I think I've been a complete mug as far as my partner has been concerned. Ever since we got together he's lied about this and that. Alot of it was finantial stuff which I considered to be the most important/worse lies. A brief background is that he was declared bankrupt 4 years ago, before we met.
But, letters started arriving from a stupidly high interest "we'll give credit to anyone" company saying he owed them money. He swore blind it was their mistake as all his debts had been written off. He told me he'd phone them and made a big scene of going up stairs with the phone and the letter in hand. He never phoned them, just spoke to a dead line for 5 minutes.
He insisted it was all sorted. A few weeks later, another letter. He replayed his "phoning act". I had suspicions that he wasn't actually speaking to anyone (not as daft as I look) but I have him the benefit of the doubt. Weeks later, a "final warning, next step - debt collectors" letter. He played a good scene kicking off saying how dare they harrass him after he'd phoned them twice ... now can I just point out that throughout this whole scenario, as the weeks passed I asked him over and over again to tell me the truth about the whole thing. He denied ALL KNOWLEDGE. One day, I told a few porkies myself, made him believe I had info from somewhere else and he finally admitted that he DID have a debt with them but he was in the process of paying it back. A few more weeks went by - I knew something was up so I played with his head a bit and he finally admitted to lie no2 ... he hadn't phoned them the first time, but had the 2nd time.
A week or so later - I'd had enough and phoned provident, told a few lies to them, got them to tell me EVERYTHING which included the fact that he hadn't been in touch with them for over 6 months and had made no payments either. I asked DP, he denied all knowledge - looked me square in the eye and swore "I am NOT lying to you". So I changed tactic and told him someone was OBVIOUSLY getting debt in his name - which is fraud - and we should call the police. To my suprise, he actually agreed. I pushed it a bit further saying first thing in the morning we will go down to the police station and make a formal complaint. He sat there, panic striken face but STILL agreed with me!!! In the end I had to literally tell him "I KNOW YOU'RE LYING! GIVE IT UP!"

So, he did. He told me he hadn't phoned them and he hadn't been paying them but from tomorow he will pay them £25 a week EVERY week until it's paid off. He phoned them in front of me and arranged this. I heard the voice on the other side of the phone. I was happy with this but told him as he'd lied to me so many times before (bare in mind it wasn't just this he was lying about) I'd find it hard to trust him in future.

But, time has been ticking by and as far as I know, he's not told any lies recently.

Then, this morning we get a letter from Provident saying he is still in arears and needs to contact them. It then gave a detailed list of his recent paymenst. Last of which was on the 3rd of March and was for £7.50. He's been paying between £3 and £12.50 ever since he was found out. STILL below the minimum payment. SO WHY THE HELL DID HE LIE AND TELL ME HE WAS PAYING £25 A WEEK???????????

Do liars EVER change? I'm not even that suprised this time. I can't even be bothered to play around and ask him how much he's been paying and when before presenting him with the letter like I normally would. All trust is well and truely shattered and I don't even care anymore.

To top it off, yesterday he applied for a capital one card whilst I was out. He did tell me about this but what the hell would possess a recently bankrupt person to apply for one of the highest interest rate credit cards going???

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 13/04/2010 12:13

Oh Lord

I had a relationship with a compulsive liar like this. He actually did a very similar thing - pretended to phone someone and spoke to a dead line. I just knew he was lying (as you do) and so I gave him loads of chances to tell the truth. Then I lied and said I had got the phone bill and there was no record of the call. So he caved. But he never caved about the time he stole money from my bank account when I lent him my card to get me some money because I was too ill to leave the house - even though I told him I had reported the unauthorised use to the bank and that the police would be called in. He could have "suddenly remembered" that he had borrowed some money but he wouldn't even do that.

I never believed a word out of his mouth and the incident above gave me the perfect opportunity to dump him. Thankfully I only wasted a few months of my life with him.

unfortunately I see articles in the press about him now - running a "not for profit" organisation with council grants and all sorts and I can only imagine the scamming and creaming off that is going on. No one would believe it though as he is widely perceived to be this great environmental entrepreneur (mostly based on self promotion, it has to be said) working for the public good.

To answer your question, no they can't change, they don't recognise they have a problem - it's everyone else who is the problem in their eyes. I would get rid of him before he blackens your name and your credit rating (or starts applying for cards and loans in your name) Yours seems to have an added problem of some kind of money issue whereby he is happy to spend money he hasn't got and can't repay.

what's the point if you are having to wonder all the time if what he is telling you is a lie?

Bad news all round isn't he? You deserve better.

Jaggers · 13/04/2010 20:52

Queen, why another thread? Don't think peoples responces will change. Form the AIBU thread he will only change if HE WANTS TO you can't make him.

Everybodylies93 · 22/04/2010 19:12

People never change...you may want them too but they have to make that decision for themselves...liars are people who have low self esteem and can be dangerous...everybody lies even if they are big or small it just depends on what it is...you just have to have faith that everything will be okay and you will get through it...trust me [Hmm]

HappyWoman · 22/04/2010 22:26

only if the consequenses are so bad as to make them want to change.

I do think people can change but it has to be for themselves first.

marytontie · 22/04/2010 22:55

Yes people can change.

However personally I would leave a partner over this, far sooner than I would over adultery

emmyzone · 24/04/2010 00:51

People only change when they choose to do it for themselves. You cannot change them.

People behave in the manner that has always been tolerated by somebody, your partner is a compulsive liar because he has gotten away with it for so long, you are not the first woman to indulge him and he will never want to change until he is rejected by everybody he lies to because of his lies.

You teach people how to treat you by how you allow them to treat you. He lies to you because he knows he can and he will always do because you have taught him that it is acceptable.

MadamDeathstare · 24/04/2010 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 24/04/2010 17:55

Actually, I don't believe liars change.

I don't lie because it is an ingrained part of my personality/character from my upbringing. I would quite literally feel sick with guilty anxiety if I told an untruth. Not just that I might get found out, but because I feel it is wrong and that I had let myself down - as well as the person I'd lied to.

If you lie as your DP seems to, almost as a reflex action, then the rights and wrongs of it clearly aren't an issue with him. He couldn't care less that you catch him out and are hurt and upset. So why would he change his ways? It's not an issue of morals for him, as a result of his upbringing. It's just something he does, as a way of life.

ANd even if he professes to want to change, it'd only be until the next occasion when it suited him to lie.

Give up.

warthog · 24/04/2010 18:05

queen, i think you know the answer and you don't need justification from us.

you don't trust the bloke. it's over.

EldonAve · 24/04/2010 18:15

just bin him
(as everyone said on your previous thread)

caramelwaffle · 24/04/2010 23:36

What clam said.

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