fed up of being between parents and dh

[bananasananas]

Parents and us live in different countries. I have not seen them for 2 yrs...it´s been an exciting, stressful, very expensive 2 yrs as have moved countries twice. Parents said they wanted to visit us last year but then said it was too expensive (they can afford it but were used to paying easyjet prices when we lived in the uk). But a lot of emotional pressure re not seeing grandchildern etc.
Now in location two and still no visit. Though constant conversations about it - which drives me mad.

My dh´s job is new and very stressful (works over 60 hrs a week, maybe one day off a week, often this year no weekend day off at all). My parents know this and asked when would be a good time to visit. We have suggested dates (christmas, half terms, easter, july august, sept) but they say they do not suit them...

They have just rang with a query about coming in May,which I have already told them twice is not a good time for dh. But they said they had a good price for a flight. When I said it is not a good time they say they will not be disturbing him, and could I ask him again.

I can tell my parents are pissed off with
dh´s ´demands´. and my dh is pissed off with their attitude (of refusing all dates we give them or not respecting his work)

I am fed up with being between the two parties again. ...I get on okay with parents but not really close, always feel a bit tense around them, esp as my mother can be a bit smothering (along the Mediterranean mama lines). Not sure who is being unreasonable, parents, husband, me? For some reason this has all really upset me .

Has anyone else had similar situations? how did you solve them? Need some fresh ideas/perpective...

TIA

Never been in your situation Bananas,however,if your Dhs job is that stressful and demanding, then I think you have to stand your ground with your parents. It is not as though you have refused to allow them to visit, it is just that they want to call the shots. Your DH is clearly working extremely hard and deserves to be considered. You obviously recognise this because you have already told your parents that what suits them does not suit you. They are being very unreasonable about this. I think you just have to tell them again, and repeat as often as required, that May does not suit you and continue to give them a list of dates when you would welcome a visit from them.

Everyone's being a little difficult; you guys for demanding they come in peak session (your h isn't a teacher by any chance?!?) when it's excruciatingly expensive, especially long-haul and them for - well, insisting they don't.

Does your h have to be involved or are they coming mainly to see you and the kids? Is there any way to compromise? Are you all going back to their country in the near future or could you take the kids to them?

Sorry, more questions than answers!

Why can't them come when dh is at work? They might actually be a help ?
Really hope my dcs want to see me on our own and not always with other halves when their grownup

Find out what dates you DH is happy with and stick to them. If your parents ask you to question himdon't actually do it, just phone them back the next day and say that isn't good for him and re-state the dates you can do.

That's assuming you agree with your DH and don't want your parents to visit at any other ti
e.

Thanks for the replies... good to have different perspectives to think about.
well guessed Rosieeo, yes, he does teach, an academic at university but term time stresses and timetables apply there just like at schools! It´s not very long haul though, it´s within europe and the cost is about 300 euros max. Agree it would be different if were to other side of the world.
my dh is not really involved when they visit, he takes the one day off. I guess the crunch of the matter is that he does not think they like him much and feels uncomfortable around them.
and that really affects when he is willing to have them around.
unfortunately no chance of me/us making it to see them as money is quite tight at the moment.
I know what you mean about seeing parents on own compo, it is all a bit sad really. this aspect of my family life is not what I would like it to be...
I´ll have to approach both parties and see about compromises...argh, so frustrating

Thanks Plumm
cross posted there...
oh dear, must run, mumsnet addiction makes me late for yet another appointment!

agree with Rosieeo, everyone needs to back down. I'm in similar situation to you bananas and tbh whenever my parents say they can come out, I say that's fine. I don't even ask DH: we're living in his country and the "trade off" is that he has to put up with my family twice a year for a week each time.

Obviously your situation not identical but surely your dh can see the benefits that your parents coming out would have (in terms of babysitting opportunities, help for you around the house etc.), no?

"my dh is not really involved when they visit, he takes the one day off. " so it will make no diffference then if he working or not, right?

they coming to see you and gandchildren presumably, not him as such...

Back again, was embarassingly late...
Thanks for the replies....it has made me think a bit more about what I want....rather than what parents and dh want.(was a bit ambivalent as I wrote the original post)
Endangered....I get your deal, but I don´t have such a bargaining chip. unfortunately my parents do not help with babysitting or around the house when they visit, or we visit them (there are grand promises made that they will look after the kids for a day so dh and I can have a day off alone (much appreciated as no family nearby where we live) but when we get there they feel they can´t do it and we feel disappointed). in fact when they are here is it hard work for me, cos they are on their mediterranean timetable...my children eat at 12, that is when parents want mid morning coffee, but then I have to make lunch for parents at 3ish...and same with dinnertime. I spend the day cooking or we spend the whole day indoors or at a cafe while one group gets fed, or their drink etc.
I hate being in the middle. but tbh I want them to come at a time when my dh will be happy with a visit and able to see them too (at least in evenings, lunches together etc) and how do I tell my parents without them blaming and dislking my dh even more...i think I shall have to add how I feel about things too.

well if they come when they want to, or even mutuallya greed date, then you set the ground rules - they prepare their own meals or eat around your timetable. eg lunch up to them - but you only do one evening meal for all. if they dont like it tough they can go out to cafe on their own.

or they stay in b&B and sort themselves out... and visit when it suits both sides.

your house - your rules; your timetable.

I think that as you have not seen your parents in 2 years your dh needs to give a little, tbh. Lots of spouses don't particularly get on with their inlaws but it is unrealistic and unhelpful to try and avoid them altogether.

It does sound as though he calls all the shots atm.

You don't seem to think your DH is being unreasonable, and it sounds like he isn't - I'd hate my own parents visiting when I was busy at work, let alone my ILs! Also I think they are being unreasonable not agreeing to any of your many alternatives - it's not like you've only given them one week in the whole year they could visit.

Anyway the simplest solution is that you have to tell them that it is not convenient for you! Don't make this about not being convenient for DH, checking with DH and getting back to them etc - because then they will just assume that it is perfectly fine for you, and that your DH is being horrid. whereas if it is you saying you would prefer holidays because you are so busy in termtime etc. too, then they will be more understanding simply because you're their daughter.

It's hard with parents because you immediately go into child-mode with them, doing as they say, because that is how you were ingrained when little. But as an adult with a partner you actually have every right to talk with them on an equal footing now and put your foot down if it is not right for you.

DH and I have this thing now where we decide what we want to do with parents, and it can be either of us putting our foot down, but then I always have the conversation with my parents and present it as my view and he does it with his. so we are non-committal in the first instance when a request comes in and say we'll get back to them and then when we've agreed together, the relevant child tells the relevant parents. so last sunday i wanted to leave his parents at 4pm rather than usual 7pm because DS has been unsettled at bedtime recently, whereas DH didn't think it was so much of a problem, but DH told them 'he' would think about what time we'd leave and then after we'd talked he got back to them to say 'he' thinks we should leave at 4 so that DS can be home in time for bed etc. so there was no risk of them seeing me as evil DIL snatching grandchild away 3 hours early as it was their son who had made the decision.

i don't envy you, but you need to not let this become your DH versus your parents - you need to take the stand here.

It does seem a shame that they can't fit in with your food timetable as it would make it all so much easier.

Can you try and put your children's time on a little (say one hour) and try to get them to match up?

Can';t you go and visit them instead this time.

I understand about timestables - my mil is a proper southern med mama and when we go there with the late east and enforced sietas means his bedtimes get very late and the naps creep back in (agh!). Mind you bloody same when she comes here.

But two years IS a long time and it would be great if you accommodate them -your dh's job is full on yes - but it sounds like it will be like that for a long long time - they are family and gps so try this once just to break the long time no see thing.

And it's more than fair enough that you explain the situation and that they will have to fit in with your current lifestyle for the duration?

Or a nice trip without your dh to med would be fun for the kids surely?

Can I assume that you also don't see dh's family very often and the same rules go for them?

bananas: could you put them in a B&B without causing an awful hullaballoo? I know some cultures won't stand for that and have to be in the family home... but if you could get away with it, especially due to the DC timings.... it'd help everyone to have their space.

When I was t'other side of the Med, my mum insisted on coming out when it suited her, cos she retired and that was when she wanted to go on holiday to fill her time... I told her time and time again to wait a month until I could confirm, she used all sorts of Emotional blackmail on me, and eventually I told her off for it.

In the end we compromised on a date, and she came when it suited her. Our flat was small, DH hours and lifestyle erratic, so we rented a flat in our building so she could have her own space and do her own thing, she was delighted.

As long as it doesn't overly interfere with the DC sleeping times etc and school/nursery or whatever, and as DH is not ever likely to be involved anyway, I can kind of see how your parents might not wish to take his timetable too much into the thick of the arrangements.

Also as DH is only going to be involved for a day or so of their trip, tbh, I don't really think he has much call to dictate that they can't come.

They are your parents, they want to see you and the DC. If DC has a difficult relationship with them, perhaps this is another reason why they come when he is busy.

Grab the nettle, find them somewhere to stay, use every excuse in the book, but insist on it, even if it's a compromise, you can come out M&D, but because of DH work/pressure etc, I'll put you into a lovely B&B so that you can feel free and everyone's happy. otherwise it will disrupt your home, DH will get pissy, they will get affronted and you are slap bang in the middle of it in the ultimate lose-lose situation.

Then plan every day out, so that you all know what you are doing and where you are going etc. Take them away somewhere if you really feel inclined. 2yrs with no visit whatsoever, especially to people that are not getting any younger is an eternity....

Sorry for weighty tome....

I agree with Little Miss.

Also I find with my parents that older people on fixed incomes - and especially older people who have not traveled much- is that they are very conscious of the cost of fares and expenses in general. So I can understand why they might not want to pay peak prices.

I think that 2 years is a very long time (as Little Miss and others have said) and I think that your husband might bend a little on this. If the real issue is that he and your parents don't really get on, rather than the timing of the visit, one possible alternative is that you go with the DC's at a time convenient to them but they pay for your flights - they would have to pay for flights anyway and they might enjoy having you visit.

back again, thanks again.
cestlavie- i like your style, I would have to go on some assertiveness course to pull it off though. you are right, but like moondog says, i (very annoyingly) go into child´-like mode to accomodate parents.
bibbitybobbityhat - not sure dh is calling all the shots, we have given parents quite a lot of dates to choose from, and they could have come any time last year. It is just this year in this new job that is particularly difficult for him. It should get easier as he adjusts to the workstyle here and can better measure and control what he takes on.
megonthemoon- thanks for the advice, it is a good solution and will use it in the future. It also got me thinking that may is really not a good time for me, I am doing a part time course nd may sit an exam then.
pippop1 and giveitago- yes med versus other timetables are a bit of a challenge. Unfortunately I can´t afford to take the children to them and if parents are struggling to fork out for two flights then less likely to afford four.
LittleMissHissyFit- interesting tome, thanks!I do feel sad about it all, esp because, like you said, they are not getting any younger. It´s tiring in this particular case, when both parties are so stuck in their ways- wish they would sort it out amongst themselves and leave me out of it.
Summersoon- you are right about elderly peoole and being careful with money.
But I went on the internet last night and found them cheap flights in the dates that suited us...just as cheap as the one they have found for may. So, the financial issue may be solved there. I will let them know...see what they say. We have managed to find dates that suit everyone in the past, not sure what is going on this time....
Gosh, family visits! All so pressured and emotional in my case. Wish I had stayed in my home town and they lived round the corner.....
well, maybe not.

You have taken on far too much responsibility here. It's not your job to be a buffer between your DH and your parents -- I agree that you should speak for yourself here, and if May doesn't work for you then that is what you should say. You've already told them it doesn't work for your DH. Your DH on the other hand needs to get over himself and his feelings about your parents, for your sake. He doesn't have to take a week off, but hiding behind your skirts and pleading masses of work is ridiculous.

Plenty of people work long hours and still manage to make an effort to be sociable. Plenty of people wonder if their ILs like them or just about tolerate the blow-in to their family, but can still manage to act friendly and welcoming. Your parents have probably felt unwelcome in your home to some extent because of your DH's attitude here, and hence some of the reason for their annoying dithering about visiting and their problems reading your signals to them. Your DH needs to extend the invitation to them himself personally.

And -- why are you expecting to be doing the meal preparation for everyone every day? Are your parents able bodied? Do they have a servant at home to get their 3 pm meal? Show them where everything is kept and tell them your home is theirs for the duration of the visit.

I think you and DH decide when it's convenient for them to visit and if the dates don't suit them tough. If they moan you just say you've given them some dates and it was their choice not to come on those dates.
Doing odd meals for them when they visit is silly and I'd stop that. If you visit them then you eat when it suits them (apart from toddlers and babies). If they visit you then I'd make it clear they eat with you at your meal times. If you make them more part of your family rather than running your house like a hotel then they may seem like less of a burden. I'd also make them help more by giving them jobs to do.
I'd definitely prioritise your husband though. If your parents choose to fit in fine, if they want to be awkward then they see you less often. Phone them less often if they moan alot and change the subject if they moan and keep repeating the dates that suit.

Well you sound like you want to see them - so make it happen - it's expensive all 'round - bring you parents over sounds like you need to see them too.

Believe me that my mil is a nightmare - but I'd want her to see ds more than once every two years. And I really don't like the woman as she is T.R.O.U.B.L.E. This is for ds (who's not that fussed on her) but also for hs who misses the old boot who is his mother and he loves her.

Your parents sound like they are doing their bet and wouldn't it be also nice for you to see them. If dh's job is always full on there'll NEVER be a good time for them to come over will there?

Thanks guys (as my 3 yr old says to dh and me)- just wanted to update as have found a solution and all are happy. Phew! I think addressing their concerns re cost and travelling at peak times helped - i found them cheap flights and suggested they come between the main dates of holiday- taking (mid week etc). So all sorted....but I am taking your advice on board re how to deal with these things in the future timetables, and who does the cooking etc . I am determined to enjoy their visit, rather than stress about it.
A thread with a happy ending

Glad you seem to have sorted it out. I have a very similar situation with my DH and my parents (although they live nearby so it tends to rear its ugly head a bit more often!).

I have actually found that leaving them to sort things out between themselves works a lot better as sometimes things get lost or misinterpreted in translation by the 3rd party (i.e. me!)and this just causes more aggro.