First serious Relationship after Abusive one HELP!

[newnamenow]

I left an awful abusive relationship in Dec 2008 and went into refuge with my daughter.

Since then I have been through counselling, support groups, medication etc etc until now when i am almost living a normal life again.

For the second part of last year i was asked out on a lot of dates etc and went on quite a few of them, some of which resulted in short relationships, all with very nice/decent men.. none of which worked out, all because of me, not them.

Now i have met someone who I am very very fond of and he feels the same, its been going really well for a few months and i have even let him meet my daughter. But now i have suddenly gone weird on him, I can feel myself doing it, but cant really stop it and i have become emotionally very up and down again!

Please help me! I really dont want to screw this one up.!

No experience of this as I'm nowhere near wanting to enter the dating scene after my jolly relationship experience. Just wondering though, are you sure it's you "going weird" because your previous experience has made you unfairly mistrustful, or is it possible that your radar is in fact working fine? Perhaps as you get to know him better there are little warning flags which you are picking up on subconsciously, little traits which remind you of your ex? Do think about this carefully, as one of the main things an abusive relationship does is to make you doubt your own judgement (otherwise we'd never have stayed past the first incident, would we?) If you're sure the problem is with you and not him, I can only suggest some counselling or CBT to help you work through your anxiety and recognise your own trigger points. If your new man is really a good'un, he'll understand and be patient.

Annie makes some good points there. Also what exactly do you mean when you say you've gone weird on him? Has he said it or is it your interpretation? If nothing else, it would probably be worth talking to him about it. Also his response will be useful to see if there are any red flags.

More to the point, how did you get asked out on lots of dates? I think I have an invisible force field around me that says, no not ready, just out of an abusive relationship. Or is it that you are a complete babe?

It's fear.

It's a recognition of your own weak boundaries, and fear that you won't know you're being abused again until it's too late because your recognition of 'normal' and 'abnormal' is not fully functional.

I try to think of it like this - does he make me scared for the future? Does he make me not want to disagree with him? Does he make me frightened or unhappy?

And remember that throwing something at you in a temper, and throwing something on the floor in a temper look almost identical behaviors, but are very different.

Pronoia (love the name!) - I really like your second-to-last paragraph but take issue with the final one. Damaging stuff in a temper really isn't necessary, and suggests the thrower finds it okay to cause damage. There are lots of non-destructive options to dissipate anger & frustration.

OP, Annie's answer is fantastic IMO.

sometimes though.... you can be imagining red flags

you dont trust your twunt radar.... so some things which are pretty harmless snowball into a full scale red flag by your fear that they will develop in future into more.

for example... nm mentions he's visited casino's for odd night out in his past... this has you worrying he has a secret online gambling addiction(if this was what you abusive ex had)

or... you ask his opinion on an outfit... he gives you an honest verdict that it doesn't suit you(well.... you are asking for a honest opinion aren't you)... and you take his comment as being controlling if he tries to gently suggest you change for a trousers that dont come with a muffin top.

not sure what the solution is if you do this. any solutions i would love to hear them too

oh I'm not saying throwing things ANYWHERE is ideal, but that just because someone has, for example, completely lost their patience with a bottle of orange juice they are trying to open and slung it on the sofa/floor in exasperation - doesn't mean they would ever have or will ever throw it at YOU.

the first behavior, although not ideal, is within what I consider to be an acceptable way to display your emotions. Nobody has been hurt, a threat of violence is not implied, it's frustration with an inanimate object that has caused the temper display.

The second behavior would be absolutely "Get out of my house, never come back, and think yourself lucky if I decide not to press charges for assault"

Thanks so much for your replies, my internet has been down for a few weeks so have only just head the chance to read them!

Im 99.9% its me and not him. He is very gentle and patient ad loving, and i know is a geniuninely decent man. I think its my subconscious causing the problems here, because i really have no reason to doubt him. I am just doubting myself?! i think now my perception is so off the mark that am constantly making wrong judgements, and seeming to be behaving irratically.. for example, i spent a whole afternoon recently, feeling completely shocked and being very distant from him simply because his reaction to something was not what i was expecting and i was bracing myself for the fireworks..which never came. I understand why i am like this, but to him, he just has a girlfriend behaving very strangely for no real reason? I have spoken to him about this,and he is so patient and understanding, but i think the stubborn part of me doesnt want my EXp to be the topic of my troubles any more and i just dont want to keep having to bring him up!

I am also conscious of the fact I am much tougher on other people now, much stricter than i remember myself being before my EXp. He really has changed me and even though now i feel i am, to a degree, coming out of the other side now, i fear some of these negative changes are indeed permanent.

Queenofwhatever: I have no idea where all of the date requests came from last year!! I almost felt the opposite of and thought it was BECAUSE i was not ready people saw me as a challenge?

Every relationship will have an effect, some more than others! They all go to shape the person we are, in good and bad ways. Your ex has conditioned you to expect a certain response (eg if you say one, two, three, you expect four to come next so if someone says five your going to feel it wring iyswim) and time is the only thing that can change it, it's great that you have realised that this is happening I'm sure many women don't. Please don't be hard on yourself, you've come so far and are doing great.

Sorry for typos am on my phone

As time goes on you will stop going so weird on him as you say. I can kind of understand what you are on about. I used to get like that in first relationship after abusive one. Try to trust and go with gut instincts with new guy. Dont be too hard on yourself...afterall the lst man has scared you and its hard to put that kind of stuff behind you and move on for sometime. I have been through the same and it takes ages to feel ''normal' ,,,again, whatever normal is ...