Do you consciously look for the positives with your DP/H?

[scarlotti]

Have posted a few times before re marriage - brief synopsis is married for 2.5 years, together for 5 before that. 2dc's together (4 and >1) and i have dd from previous relationship who's about to do her gcse's..
We've been through relate once before and are now there again, I've also been for counselling a few times myself.
I'm not happy, our sex life is pretty non-existant. He is lazy, although he calls it laid back, and never does anything without prompting. Even if I ask for things to be done doesn't guarantee they will - think living with a teenager and you're about there.
Relate has allowed some of the problems to be spoken about but nothing has changed.

Was speaking to a friend the other day and she said that if I just look for negatives then that's all I'll see. She suggested that if I look for the positives then maybe I might be happier.
Do you agree? Should you have to actively look for positives in a partner? I'm so tired and worn out by this relationship that tbh, the thought of having to actively look for positive traits just makes me feel more tired.

Have a think - are there any positives about your partner? There must be a few? I often go through periods when i think my H has no positive attributes, and then he goes and suprises me.

I do try to. Living with someone is really very hard at times.

I sometimes find observing other people's relationships makes me scoot home to dh a lot happier

I second choosyfloosy. We all think other people's lives are soo much better, but in reality you find that they are not. Marriage is a very private thing. You might just have a really good partner compared to most!

Hi Scarlotti, I could have written your post! And we have also been through Relate - once unsucessfully and another counsellor also unsucessfully.

But, yes I did learn that I am very critical and even if DP did do something "right" or made an effort in some way I would always focus on the ten things he hadn't done. It does become a vicious circle because he then felt like there was no point making an effort with anything because all I do is criticise. Then, of course, there is even more for me to moan about!

Anyway, my point is, that I have consciously been trying to thank/compliment/praise him when he does make an effort with something and it has been producing results. He feels pleased and makes more of an effort.

It is a work in progress but ultimately people do respond well to praise.

And, when we do argue, rather than stewing for ages like I would previously and dragging it out, I now try to calm down and take a few mins to think about things I do like about him and how another woman would view him if we weren't together. That helps me to see that he isn't all bad!!

Sorry to have wittered on, hope that helps! And I agree that it is like having a teenager around, it can be very frustrating!

And Choosyfloosy is right. All of my friends have their own set of issues/problems with their partners and I wouldn't want to swap places with any of them. Ultimately we are all just muddling through.

Yes I do consciously look for dh's positive traits. It's essential to stop me from stabbing him snapping at him whenever he's irritating me (often!)

Actually, I don't find it too difficult to come up with a good list. And it without fail makes me feel much better and treat him more kindly.

It worries me that you say the thought of coming up with positive stuff makes you tired. Can you really not think of one thing? It must be bad if there's nothing nice you can say about him at all. Do you even love him?

I do try to! DH is very good at doing things without being nagged, and in return I make a concious effort to let him know that I appreciate his efforts. That is not to say there are not things about him that don't frustrate me in other areas (eg he doesn't really "do" affection- his way of showing me he loves me is to regrout the bathroom!) But I have come to terms with the fact that that is the way he is, and it isn't my place to change him. I do try to remain somewhat focussed on the things that I always liked about him and that made me fall in love with him, and I find it does make me happier with our relationship when I think positively about him. Is that the kind of thing you mean?

Thanks for the replies. I agree that all marriages have their quirks and am well aware that nobody is perfect.

MrsSawdust - I think I am worn down by the marriage and so the comment made me feel more tired as my internal reaction was 'what, something else I have to do?'
He's a nice enough guy but takes no responsibility for anything in our relationship. When questioned about it he will say that I like to be in control but all I want is to be a team.
It has come to light in our sessions too that he has an issue with me earning the main wage but he also agreed when I pointed out that he is more than happy to benefit from that money in terms of house, holidays etc. My money is used as joint money, but his is not. If I ask him how much he has he won't say.
I don't know if I love him. I resent being taken for a mug tbh and I think that clouds all other feelings.

Jooly - that's the sort of relationship I thought a marriage should be. I would gladly appreciate efforts made, especially if they were unprompted!

choosy - observing others normally leaves me more sad than anything else.

Hmm, not looking good.

Have to go feed baby now but will pop back tomorrow. Thanks for the replies, certainly food for thought.

I do. I think you have to, as the annoying things just jump out at you. I have found it really helpful to go on the pages where people go on about their rubbish husbands and you realise that actually, yours is kind of ok.

Whether 'kind of ok' is good enough is the next debate.

Hi Scarlotti, I seem to keep bumping into you on these threads!

Have you found over the years that you have peaks and troughs? I've found for about five years that the peaks are fewer and further between and I'm now living in a permanent trough. I've told DH I want to separate but he doesn't feel the same way.

He is a good man but we are very wrong for each other - he's also a laid back teenager and we would have no life at all if it were left to him.

How much longer are you going to give the counselling? It does sound like you've had enough of him.

It sounds to me like you are doing ALL the work in your relationship. You earn the money, you take responsibility for childcare and housework, you take responsibility for fixing the problems in your marriage, while he sits back and let's you get on with it.

He's getting a free ride.

I told you I find it easy to think of good stuff about my dh. That's because we do work as a team. He does all the cooking and cleans the kitchen; he looks after all our finances (which are absolutely joint btw, none of this 'your money and my money' malarkey); he looks after both our cars; deals with anything diy or heavy dirty jobs; looks after dd loads; makes me feel desirable and appreciated; and even makes the coffee every morning. That's just scratching the surface really.

It's far from a perfect marriage but the point is, we BOTH put the effort in and that's why it works so far (14yrs married).

I'm not suprised you're tired if you are holding the whole thing together by yourself. It doesn't seem right to me.

Sorry to have posted and run last night..

runningoutofnames - that's exactly what it's like although we've been in a trough with the odd peak for quite a while now. I am waiting until dd finishes her gcse exams in June before making any major decisions as I don't want to create any atmosphere that might interfere with her doing well. I've put up with this for years so a few more months won't kill me. Like you, we are just wrong for each other.

MrsSawdust - thanks for posting, that's what I think a marriage should be, working as a team and both putting the effort in. As it stands now I do most of the work, and then am supposed to be grateful for the odd time he does help out. e.g. the 2 night shifts he's done since the baby was born, 5 months ago

I guess if dd wasn't in her gcse year then I'd be saying now I think we should split. As she is, and we're in relate, it feels a bit hypocritical of me really. Having said that, the things that have been spoken about (him taking more responsibility on) haven't happened and he is just taking it as an opportunity to offload I think.

Guess I should be posting asking for coping strategies for the next few months instead..

Thanks for listening.

I have to! Otherwise I'd be divorced! But i've worked v. hard to get my DH to pull his weight.

If he didn't most of the time, we really would be apart.