Post affair marriages - when to have a second baby?

[megmums]

My dd is 2 and a half, and although i would like another baby, there are two issues. One is obviously financial - nursery being soo expensive. The other is my H having an affair after our first was born. He is adamant that it was all the stress and pressure, and we are moving on from it, slowly. Anyway, he has said that he wants another baby, and i do too, one day. What i would like to hear are other people's thoughts on this.

I know that babies do not fix relationships, and also that affairs can take 2 to 3 years plus to recover from. I don't know when i will feel secure enough to happily fall pregnant again. I'm after some thoughts to help me figure out my own!

Hmmm..I remember your story Megmums and you are only a few months on from a discovery aren't you? And he drove you half mad making you think you were being paranoid about the OW? Even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, he was "gaslighting" you, wasn't he? And you found he was on various sex sites too?

It depends on whether he has got to the bottom of why he was unfaithful and has had some individual pyschotherapy. If he is saying it was the stress and pressure of having a baby, then bringing another one into the mix sounds fraught with problems.

More than anything, it doesn't sound as though you are convinced he wouldn't do it again, so no, having another baby would I think be a very bad idea.

Tbh, I hadn't realised you'd taken him back, so I suspect you've both got a lot more work ahead as a couple before adding to your stress.

You're right that babies don't fix relationships - I think they quite often do the opposite if anything!

In your shoes I wouldn't want to get pregnant again until I felt as secure as I possibly could be in the relationship. So, moving on slowly is fine but how far have you got?

Maybe now that he knows what he is "letting himself in for" the same problems won't arise again but from your perspective I wouldn't get pregnant until I did feel secure enough.

megmums, I remember you too

why are wanting to rush into having another baby ?

is time not on your side ?

Beware also what the hormone changes do to you. Looking back I had f*ing awful antenatal depression after falling pg 8 months after (we had been trying before, stopped at H's insistence when OW appeared 'as we needed time to settle in our new home'), then he was adamant we tried again very soon after it was all over, because he wanted to prove his commitment and I was so emotionally exhausted that I agreed. wish I'd waited longer to get my head together more, as what was rattling round inside me really went nuts - and also, his affair excuse had nothing to do with pressure of children. Be careful.

I'm in no rush to have another baby. Maybe a few years down the track if i really feel i can trust him then i will. I just wanted to see what other people's experiences were. Btw what does 'gaslighting' mean?!

google it, megmums

it is very, very scary reading though

be warned