Last night I asked DH to leave... I feel awful..

[TooTiredTooConfused]

.. then I feel fine, then awful, it's a never ending circle lasting about 3-7 minutes per 'lap'..

It would be so easy to ask him to come home, and he'd come, and everything would be, well, as it was... My children would be happy, but we'd continue to live what feels like totally seperate lives that overlap each others every now and then.

He's lovely, I love him, (but I don't think I am in love with him) he says he loves me, he'd do anything for the dc's.. And probably me come to that..

I feel like a total bitch!

But for some reason I am not happy, something isn't right, I'm unsure if that's me, us, him.. Right now I feel that I need space to get my head together, but I am unsure if I'll want him to return at all.

I know I have it a lot better than a lot of people, I've been in an abusive relationship, and my best friend is alone with her 2 dc's with no help what so ever, from the outside our relationship probably looked perfect to other people. We operate perfectly well as a family unit.

I know things get 'samey' and you can be in a rut, but I don't feel like it's that. We've only been together for 3 years, dc2 is only just 1.

Sorry for rambling on.. I don't know what to do.

Surely DH and I being completely happy is best for the dc's. I'm just unsure that that can happen with us being a couple.

It's tricky to give advice with such limited information.

But my heart really does go out to you.

At this early stage it is impossible for you to make a decision over whether to take him back or not because too much emotion is in the way so I would say now that you have done the hard bit i.e. asking him to go. Stick with it at least until your head is clear. You owe it to him too.

With regard your children being happy; my own opinion, people will disagree with me, is that happy mummy = happy children (with in reason!) they are resillient creatures and better to set them an example of changing your life if you are unhappy than staying in a rut.

I agree with foureleven.

It sounds like it is a very difficult time for you, but if your gut instinct was telling you you weren't right together, then you have probably done the right thing, better to end a relationship before it gets really terrible, and while the DCs are still so young.

I'm all for people being happy, and setting the right kind of role models for relationships for their DC, but - at least from your OP - it doesn't really sound like you're trying very hard.

At this stage of your lives together, you have very yong children, and it is a very hard time - tiring and draining. It is often a time when relationships between partners can suffer.

Is there any real reason why you're not happy with your DH?

To be honest, at this stage, I would advise you to consider having relationship counselling. It's not just about you and/or him any more - you have two children to consider. Surely you owe it to them to try harder to see if your marriage can be helped and put back on an even keel.

Sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you might be throwing something very valuable away.

You sound very confused, TooTired - and I know its a word thrown about with gay abandon these days - but could you be suffering with depression? Esp if your youngest is only just 1, it could be postnatal. I wasn't diagnosed with this until my first was 18months old but it made the fog I had been stuck in for 18 months clear, once I was treated for i

It sounds from your OP, that the only thing that is wrong in your relationship is that you "lead separate lives" - this is so easy to fix! Really it is - but you both have to want to fix it -it sounds like he does, but do you?

I would strongly advocate counselling. It really sounds like you have something good there that you are throwing away.

Good luck.

I could be depressed, I don't feel it, as in I don't see it myself. I had postnatal after ds1 that wasn't diagnosed unitl he was 10 months old and admitted to hospital! It was very severe.
I guess in my head I am worried about that again. DH knows that.

We have seen a counsellor, but things didn't change.

He drinks a lot, every night. Anything from a few beers (fine) to two bottles of wine and then beer. Yesterday I went out for an hour in the afternoon, when I came home to was already over half way through a bottle of red.
I hate it, and I've asked him to stop, he says he will but doesn't.

We're 'ok' for money, all the bills, rent etc gets paid, but there's no room for extras.
For example
Me: Can we get dc1 new shoes/book/anything
Him: Can it wait till I get paid next
Yet I've figured he can easily 'drink' £15 a day

He was teetotal when we met.. He'd acknowledged he'd had a problem. I've 3 times found cans or bottles 'hidden' empty, in cupboards. Once found him drinking wine at 2 in the morning when only going downstairs to get ds1 a drink.
He swore he was sorry, wouldn't happen again.. It's not a probelm.

The more I think if it, it is definately a problem to me, and I think to him too, but he doesn't see it...

It sounds like you should be looking at relationship counselling, and yes, possibly you are suffering from depression.

Throwing away your marriage and your kids ability to grow up with two loving parents it?s a serious thing to be considering, and tbh you don't sound like your making the effort.

Please, try counselling.

foureleven - "happy mummy = happy children" - and where does the father fit into your equation?

if he knew he had a problem before, and he went on the wagon, and now he's drinking ridiculous amounts again - why doesn't he admit the problem?? was he in AA before? If not, then suggest he goes to AA.

And for you - go to AlAnon for the families of alcoholics.

Perhaps your inner self is screaming warnings about staying with an alcoholic - maybe that's why you don't "feel right" - you've been in an abusive relationship before so part of you doesn't want to go back there in any way.

Does that sound reasonable?

Sorry OP your new post came in as I hit post, that does show it in a slightly different light..

Agree with thumbwitch now..

Hi, I believe he was in AA before, he stopped for a couple of years. He started to drink again casually a couple of weeks after we got together, before that I didn't realise he didn't drink - we'd not been in a situation where you would. I only found everything out about 6 months in, but this amount of drinking wasn't going on then.

He has text saying he realises that his drinking is an issue to me and he'll address it, I think i'll bring up AA. From what I've heard/seen he'd be a functioning alcoholic. Holds down a good job, been with the same firm for years, completed a degree at the same time.

I am seeing my GP later today to talk and admit I'm struggling, I've also left a message with my health visitor who's actually really helpful.

Ahh from your first post I couldnt see what the problem was but now you have added to it I totally see what the issues are.

the drinking would be the end for me Im afraid. £15 a day on booze and not able to get shoes for ds?

No way.

I think you have done the right thing in asking him to leave and he needs to see the dr and go to AA if he wants to come back home.

Feel so sorry for you.

I think I'm right that we need some space to both address our own issues/feelings.

But it's the time scale I'm unsure of.

We are due to go away in 3 weeks time, so I guess that seems like a good a point to start as any.

My dc's can see him every day, he's close enough to put them to bed. We haven't had a fight, so I don't mind seeing him.

I think thumbwitch could be right, I think it's got to the point that I have some alarm bells ringing before anything has actually happened. I don't think I can take him back while he drinks, as to me he drinks too much now, and it's been escalating, I'm afraid where it could end up. He used to drink truely shocking amounts and I do not want to be about to witness that myself, yet alone my dc's.

YOur gut instinct is telling you that he is an alcoholic. YOu have done the right thing in asking him to leave. Now keep him out,(unless he goes straight for treatement and stops drinking - and even then you should kep him out of the house for about a year) because the drinking is going to escalate. You need to make sure, as fast as possible, that you are separate from him financially and there may come a point where you have to insist on either supervised contact or refuse him contact if he turns up pissed.

I did move out for 2 months at christmas for many of the same reasons, I love dh , he loves me, our daughter is very happy and we work well as a unit but I dont get on with any of his family, we have quite different lives now and feels like we rarely see eachother for working shifts, his contact weekends etc etc......
I did realise though how much I missed hime when I left, how much we do and can talk to eachother if needs be, how much we used to do that we dont know because we like many have got caught up in this rat race of life and mortgages and families etc.
my mum said to me this-

You can get divorced.........but whn you are there signing those papers giving your reasons you have got "REALLY MEAN IT" and think that there is "NO WAY BACK" and this is "ABSOLUTELY WHAT YOU WANT-THE END!"

and I thought about that and realised that it isnt what I really want at all and I would be devastated if I thought it really was over and no way back.
I/we need to try alot harder before I know there is no way back

We are seperate financially as in bank accounts, if he's staying out for a while I'll need to claim Income Support though as I'm a sahm.

I don't think he'll ever turn up pissed - hopefully. He's so functioning that so many people would never know anything goes on. It's only really the evenings - though be it everyone and then sometimes weekend day times but not always.
But I can't see how he can't be an alcoholic.. though this is not what I imagined an alcoholic would be like.

TTTC - my DH of 24 years is also a functioning alcoholic so I can totally empathise.

I sometimes think it would be easier if he lived up to the stereotypical drunk image but he manages to hide it from everyone and the few people I have told have been stunned.

I think you have taken the right step in asking him to leave - and an incredibly brave one (I've only just done it now). If you stay together without addressing his drinking you will become contemptuous of him and lose any respect you had. As your DCs get older they will have a very skewed view of relationships.

I would recommend AlAnon. It might be worth going to Relate, even on your own, just to get your head around whether you want to save your marriage or not.

Best of luck, wish I'd had your courage 10 years ago!

TTTC i think you have done the right thing, you might have done him a big favour aswel. do not take him back until he stops drinking. my ex is an alcoholic and i wish i had ended it sooner, it might have given him the incentive to stop before his life and our relationship were completly wrecked. get him some information on where he can get help, there might be a council funded thing rather than an aa, then he has to do the rest himself good luck