Is anyone up to just talk for a mo?

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Feeling a bit bad. not sure why. doesn't matter Is anybody up?

sorry you're having the same problems, alypaly - it is shit, isn't it? I admittedly have a DH now but I was "in the wilderness" for a good 7 years before he came along. Had a few short "relationships" (some of them barely worthy of the name!) prior to DH but I always felt just as bad when they ended. In fact, worse in some cases! It all fuelled my self-loathing and "I'm so crap, I'll never find anyone to love me, what's wrong with me, why am I like this?" that used to be a permanent feature of my sad times.

yep! Him to be dead, that was a strong wish of mine for years! It would have been so much easier to deal with.

Can you be strong and stay away from his internet drivellings? God, I know the temptation though - even now I have the occasional temptation to check up on Friends Reunited to see if he's on there (I don't do FB or any other "social networking" sites)

Worse, I still occasionally get dreams about him - and it was over 15years ago, FFS! They are well f'ing weird though - things like I have to move back in with my ex and his mum, taking DS and leaving DH. WHY?? And miraculously his wife and 2DC don't figure at all in the dreams. Most of the time I don't even want to go back to him in the dream but for some unrememberable reason I have no choice.

aly no not the same my love, and no I do not wish him home. I am glad he has gone mostly. The grieving/mourning/terror processes are differernt but I know now he was abusive.

But yes I miss what I thought I had. And I miss it keenly for my son. Esp days like today when there are many loving dads playing with their children in the pub garden.
I had no sort of burial as his departure was sudden and cruel in the extreme.

Life goes on. By and large my life is wonderful with ds in it.

I can talk the upo-beat talk but sometimes (much rare now - tonight is one) I just want to cry til my head falls off.

yeah thumb...i am always wondering whats wrong with me too.I always found it difficult to get a boyfriend when i was a teenager too,everyone always assumed i had one so they never asked me{sad] and its the same now.
I wish i had two heads or a massive wart on my nose and then maybe i could understand.

Im not ugly(well i dont think so) i love cooking,keep a clean home,have single handedly brought up 2 wonderful boys, garden ,decorate, keep a tight budget so we can have nice holidays, love having dinner parties, adore sport,love company,im loyal if given the chance.

Hang in there UA, you are definitely not alone.
Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better but everything in cycles and time will lessen the pain.

Hug your gorgeous baby and console yourself with the fact that you had to go there with the ex in order to have that lovely boy.

Things really will get better. Big Hug.

UA...what idont like the thought of,is permenantly waking up with none beside me....noone to share the lovely days with,holidays togetehr walking down the beach holding hands and a bloody good snog...and meaningful sex ...and ultimately that feeling of thinkink about someone at silly times of the day and racing home to see them.

Have i been watching too many movies or am i draming?

dreaming???(sp)

thumb I don't know why. I love the new face. I am glad he is scuba diving and shagging and teaching and being Mr Normal in bangland. Long, long may it last. It doesn't help me cope with my end of it though.

Thumb, after it, did you say 'that's it. Never again. Nobody. Ever.?

though I don't think you had ds when you split from him did you...having exh's son confuses things terribly in my heart. Feelings of love and protection so intense

sorry about the typos...am really tired so i am going to turn my light out and hopefully drift off. If not its a dose of the old sleeping tablet to get me to sleep....thats how difficult the nights have become

Pants, I can't believe I just caved in, ruined my own advice and googled the ex! Gaaaahhh!

Alypaly - the only thing that "fixed" me in the end was several years of counselling and then doing a course in NLP. The counselling helped me talk out a lot of the poison that was lurking inside, but the NLP actually changed my perspective on myself and made me believe that I was worth knowing, that the only problem was that I hadn't found the right person to appreciate me yet. It's a core belief - thinking that you are worth knowing - and I somehow had not had it from a very very early age, as I remember being surprised at infant's school when people wanted to be my friend. So - changing that core belief was key for me. You can get it from having NLP therapy - I just happened to do a course in it instead.

UA - I know you know it all in your head, it's just you're heartsore and lonely at the mo, and you're reverting to the last-known time that you had someone you at least thought loved and cared for you.

Have you tried seeing anyone else at all?

whats NLP thumb?

trouble is ,everyone thinks i can cope,because i dont wear my heart on my sleeve and married women perceive a single woman as a potential threat especially if they appear confident and successful

thumb ,you are always up late,do you find it difficult to sleep too?

sorry, took so long to compose the last post I didn't see the other postings!

I think I did, UA - I couldn't bear the thought of being hurt like that again. You're right - I had no DC with the ex (thank GOD!) and now I do have DS with DH, I have a very strong fear of anything going wrong.

It probably won't be any kind of consolation to the lonely, but sometimes it's just as possible to be lonely within a marriage as well. I am having lots of down feelings at the mo - DH is mostly at the root of these feelings as I am sinking into despair that I will have to put up with him being a thoughtless wanker who is happy to be "not that bad a husband" for the rest of my life. He's right, he's not that bad - he's just not that good either, and his acceptance of his mediocrity is fucking depressing.

aly, I'm in Australia now, that's why! Although I always was a late bird.

NLP = neurolinguistic programming - basic "brainwashing", where you get to clean out all the old negative crap thoughts/behaviours and replace them with shiny new lovely ones. It's aMAZing - really powerful stuff when done properly. But it needs to be therapeutic NLP as opposed to Life Coaching, which I find a bit too CBT like and gung-ho.

wish i was in Oz...my sons just been and he loves it

No, I don't want to see anyone. The thought appals me.

I am not a complete freak - I did go out months ago, pulled a guitarist. then another night there was an old flame but it was all a disaster.

I really couldn't give a shit anymore.

"Men: They are not big and they are not clever."

is it midday with you.....its 2 am her so i really am going to try and get some sleep as ive got to get up at 6.30 am today

night all

mate, it's a great place to visit - honestly - just not necessarily that great to live in. I can aim you at two recent threads about the realities of living in a different country, not just Oz - they are eye-opening!

I loved it when I visited too but when you live thousands of miles away from friends and family and can't get things that you're used to, or find reasonable equivalents, and have to pay a bloody fortune for books (my lifeblood) and clothes then it starts to grate. My biggest bugbear is not having any decent play parks within walking distance - we had 2 or 3 in the UK - so we have to drive to them. And don't get me started on the pestilent wildlife - I found a baby redback spider in the hood of DS's pushchair the other day - scared the life out of me!

thumb you must nip this in the bud.

Do not let him get you down if this is what is happening.

Talk talk talk and talk a lot and start talking now. If he cannot talk/isn't a talker you are a bit buggered though. .

Is it a blip? Cum Oooon.

night aly - yes, we are 9 hours ahead of you now the clocks have changed.

UA - I can see why it would appal you but it might be worth persevering, even just to meet people for coffee/drinks? Is it the fear that holds you back? Or just the mere thought of getting intimate with anyone ever again?

oh UA, I have tried - we do talk, I can tell him, but he just doesn't want to take it on board. If I carry on when he has made it plain that he "isn't that bad" I get comments like "oh god please make it stop" and other such "lalalalalala, I'm not listening, stop nagging, nothing's going to change" bollocks.

The latest one was Saturday morning - we were getting ready to go to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and DS accidentally dropped a nearly full cup of milk on the floor, covering my legs and bare feet. So - DH just walked out the way and said "I'll come back and finish what I'm doing when that's cleared up". I said "aren't you going to help?" and he said "well it's not exactly a 2 person job, is it? You can manage fine on your own". I was soooooo fucking angry - it's not the point that I coudl do it myself, of course I coud - but everyone else I know (bar my shit of a brother) would automatically have helped clear it up, not fucking walked off! So - oddly enough - I was in a snit for the next while - he asked me what was wrong, I told him and then he had the cheek to say "so you're going to ruin our day out now, are you?" Total lack of ability to take responsibility for the situation. GAAAAAAHHHHH!

Sorry.

Have you been back to the UK for an extended visit yet thumb? such a trip will confuse your loyalties/sort them out/send you running fast for the first flight back to oz.

Australia is a wild, wonderful, complicated and brave place. You need to be with the right (ie typically-fake-unreconstructed) male there though. It's a chimera of a country.

One more smoke and I am going to try to sleep XXXXX

thanx thumb. feeling better now. IT rock. xx

thumb having read your last post that does not sound good. selfish, arrogant,

is he from uk or ud? Once they get you on home soil they change

I think an extended visit back to UK bringing ds with you, is defo in order.

I've been back for 3 weeks in Jan/Feb, just me and DS - needed to get my tax return done and DH didn't want to come plus he was starting his new job. I actually didn't miss DH at all (although apparently he missed us, but then I had DS so he would have) and I loved being back, even in the middle of winter. Came back to muggy mozzie-infested weather - it's much nicer now autumn has started.

Glad you're feeling better - hope you sleep well. Try thinking pink fluffy cloudy thoughts before you go to sleep - that might help avoid the crap dreams. in fact, count pink fluffy clouds to help you get to sleep.

I'll still be here for a while if you can't manage to get to sleep but for now, good night! XX