does anyone live with dc's dad but not as married couple?

[petitmaman]

After many years and much sould searching I have toold my husband that i think that we should separate as I am not happy. After a long talk he has said that he thinks I should come home as it is better that one person is unhappy (me) than 3 (him and dc) . My dad has now also said that he thinks we should try living under the same roof but separate lives for the benefit of dc. Now, I really don't want to hurt dc which is why this has gone on as long as it has. However, I don't see how living like that is of any benefit to them. Neither of us would be happy, we still would nt be a proper family and I feel it is just prelonging the pain and is an awful example to set them. Does anyone have any experience of anything like this> TIA

I think its a ridiculous idea.
Children are better off with 2 happy parents whom they see both of frequently.

Obviously I mean living seperately.

It sounds like a bloody awful idea to me. Sorry.

If you are unhappy living like that then the kids won't be happy as you will not be able to hide it from them. Obviously divorce and living seperately is not going to be painless for the children but it will be a damn sight less confusing for them and they will settle down eventually.

The way your H put it to you that he thought 1 person should be unhappy rather than 3 and that 3 included him strikes me as odd. He should be thinking of his children, ways to make is less painful for them in this not himself, and his request strikes me as more selfish than anything else.

Whatever you do it will not be without pain, the children will be hurt and confused, you cannot avoid that, but I do think that a clean break and a commitment on both sides to making it as smooth as possible, is the best thing.

Living together but not together will only cause resentment and confusion in the long run, as far as I can see.

I agree with lilacclaire. It's not very practical. I know it's probably the last thing on your mind right now but at some point in the future I presume you'd like to have sex again? If not a relationship? Whats Dh going to do, sit in the living room while you and your new man make yourselves comfy upstairs?

It's a fine idea if it is something the 2 of you have come up with and want to do. If you are good friends but no longer wish to be a couple. It can work. It does work.

But it's not common. And it certainly wouldn't work if there was animosity. It only ever works if the decision to split is amicable and you still like each other.

And there's things like money, what when one or both of you want to meet someone else etc to consider.

It wouldn't work if it was something you were forced to do and it sounds to me like you are being emotionally blackmailed.

It really is a very bad idea.

When I seperated from my exH we had no choice but to continue living together for at least 6months whilst finances were arranged for him to move out. It was horrible, I thought at the begining it's fine, I'm and adult who can deal with this and it's only 6ish months anyway.

How wrong could I have been, I felt uncomfortable in my own home, trapped, I was tip-toeing around to keep the atmosphere nice. I met my new partner very quickly after exH and I seperated (completely unexpected) and I had to keep it all secret, for fear of what the reaction to it would have been. It was awful.

This was something I had to do, and I only had to do it for 6ish months. Doing it voluntarily for an indefinate period, fills me with terror!!!

Oh and the children will not care one jot if you live together, as long as you both make them feel secure and loved. Life just continues when people split up, don't make it into some big song and dance.

I know someone who did this for 2 years. For the second year she was seeing someone else (who she later married). It was horrendous for all concerned - mostly for the Exh tbh. He was just so desperate to be living with the kids that he put up with having the ExW's new DP in the house, and the whole thing ended up getting quite soap-opera like.

I wouldn't recommend it!

Thank you. That was my thinking too. Just seems the worst of all worlds. I am just going to have to do it aren't I? (d)h says I am ruining dc's lives but they will be ok if we can all keep amicable, won't they??

Petitmaman - I'm a bit confused by your last post?

You do not have to live with him & the children. It will be a living hell for you and the children. H 'might' be happy, but he may not, he probably sees this as a way to 'get you back together'.

Splitting up is not ideal for the children, but living together like that would be far worse.

Tell him that all you both need to do is behave like adults, listen to the children and sort your shared access out as best you can for all concerned.