Deeply unhappy in my relationship, do trial separations work?

[JannerBird]

I've been with my husband for 20 years and we have 3 DCs together. Things haven't been great for a couple of years but have been worse over the last few months. I am so confused and don't know what to do ...

There is nothing major going on, no affairs, abuse or nastiness - he just doesn't make me happy any more. We don't 'do' anything together, no shared interests (apart from DCs). He has never been overly demonstrative and works very hard (in a job he ultimately enjoys)and we live in a nice house. I work part time in a challenging job and am also studying for a post-grad diploma (professional qualification)after being a SAHM for the last 9/10 years.

I really don't know if I want to leave him or not. Some days I would do anything to have a little house on my own with the children, on other days I think it's not that bad and that perhaps we could make it work.

Anyway, has anyone else had a trial separation? What does it really mean and how does it work? Can it work if you live in the same house? Can it be done without letting anyone else know about it? I don't want to have a relationship with anyone else I just want to be on my own, make my own decisions. Can anyone help?

Can you not talk to him, and try to re-start shared interests and fun that you used to have? Wouldn't you feel better about going ahead with a separation if you knew you had made that effort?
Sorry I can't help with trial separation Qs.

Have been talking all the way through lljkk, he knows how I feel and we have tried. We did think it may be due to the change in the balance of our relationship since I returned to work and he has taken on some chores and is generally more involved in our home.

He never tells me how he is feeling though, which frustrates the hell out of me as I have no idea why. I do ask.

I was just really interested to hear some opinions on whether trial separations are always just a stepping stone to a full separation or whether they really do clarify things for people and can put unhappy marriages back on track.

Or do they just act as a sort of weapon, as in I want one (because I don't really want to leave you) but if I ask for one I'm showing I'm serious and things have to change (I hope that makes sense!).

My only experience of this is with my parents - they had three and then eventually divorced as nothing was really sorted out (different circumstances though).

As the child I thought these trail seperations only gave me a bit of breathing space from their troubles for a bit - when then got back together they'd hold hands and stuff but I was very very cynical - no surpise when they did as they were both very unhappy.

This is just from my point of view when I was young.

It didn't seem like a weapon though.

Sorry you are feeling this way.

No experience of it, but I think if you go into it honestly and openly - ie: 'We're not happy, and after 20 years together we need to do something about it and have a best shot at repairing the relationship' - then surely it's better than just remaining with the status quo?

What was the spark which brought you together? Is there something to build on there?

If he won't talk, a trial separation will at least kick start things in one direction or another.

JannerBird - sorry that you are having a bad time. I heard a woman on the programme "Home Truths" say that it was working really well for her and husband. I guess like marriage, you both will have to work at separating or in fact divorce.

I think they can work - it would give you both a chance to see what you want too.
The danger for you is that may not get the choice of what happens. A friend of mine left her h - he although sad was 'dragged' out by his friends - he found a new woman and was a changed man. My friend was shocked and saw a very different side to her h and wanted him back - he did not want that anymore. She is now ok but was miserable for a long time and blamed herself.

It does sound as if your marriage does need something to spark it again but it will need work from both of you.