Where's the fun gone?

[LaLeLu25]

My daughter is now 15 months ago but I feel as isolated as I did 6 months ago. It's been a tough year for my family as my father died a year ago. My family live away and my husband's family live abroad so getting a baysitter is often hard unless it's in advance. I appreciate I can never do off the cuff socialising again but I virtually have no relationships- apart from work- where I have even weekly contact with people. I used to initiate a lot of contact with my friends but I stopped as I was far too busy when I returned to work 4 months ago. Now I realise people were just responding to me. My sisters have separately promised we'd do something together at a particular time their end then nothing happened. This has made me quite angry but has also confirmed the way I feel about my other relationships also applies to them. My partner is fine never seeing anyone as he finds socialising a burden, whereas I love being with people. Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'Now I realise people were just responding to me'? But I've been in the situation of realising you have been in a mummy-fog and suddenly need human contact again but worry everybody has forgotten you. I sincerely believe that won't be the case, you've had a hard time recently - a year is not long to recover from a bereavement - and it can be hard at any time restarting the social wheel when it's at a standstill. Send an email/facebook everybody you know saying 'I've been buried in work but I'm back! Would love to see you' with suggestions of what are good times for you and you WILL get lovely replies from friends happy to hear from you and wondering how you are. If your partner isn't into socialising, why not arrange some weekend times when he can look after the baby for a few hours and you can have friends' time? My hubby's not a loner but he loves his 'me' time so is happy to stay in an evening a week as babysitter while I have a regular evening with local friends.

I do sympathise with the issue about your sisters. I get very angry when mine seem to be happy seeing each other and not make the time to come to me - they live a drive away from each other, it feels like a slap in the face even though I know they're just as busy as I am. I dont' know how your father's death might have affected each of you and be a part of this situation?

You sound awfully down, and quite defeated.

agree with omaoma, i think you just have to be a little more brave for a little while longer and go for it. Your friends probably do miss you, but perhaps they are struggling too?

As for your sisters, invite over to you? when they mention something can you try and hold them to it?

You have been through a lot recently, and that will dent your resolve and get up and go, just try and grow yourself a thicker skin and dive right back in there. Socialising can be excruciating, especially when getting back in from a standing start, but you can do it!

Thank you both for such encouraging and constructive replies. I have planned something for my birthday next month so we'll see how that goes. I organised a little remembrance day when it was my dad's birthday last month and when my younger sister arrived her and my older sister sat together talking about a house they'd bought together, which was a little inappropriate- even my mum noticed. They live in the same town so don't need to wait til they visit me, when we should be remembering my dad's life to discuss unrelated stuff. It's as if anything that's my idea is dismissed and it's these behaviours that I find odd and excluding really. I did call both sisters yesterday but had to leave messages. I think they both believe I am offended about something completely different to what really has hurt my feelings but we plan to talk tonight. I know everyone is suffering with bereavement, but my sisters can grieve together. I have to trade off having an independent life against the immediate family support you often need.
I've just reviewed this and I really look like a whinger. Sorry about that.

I don't think you get to be accused of whingeing when dealing with a parent's death... no need to apologise!

what you do sound to me is angry. i think this is one of the key stages in overcoming grief? so perhaps that's something to bear in mind. while it is inappropriate and odd and upsetting for you, your sisters are possibly dealing with the situation in their own way - to carry on as if nothing's happened and use each other for support.

If you said to your sisters: ' i miss dad, i need to grieve, i need to do it with you two because you're my sisters and i need you. i feel so alone and sad and angry at the moment and it's so hard to be this far from people i love' i'm sure they would respond to your distress. honestly, you sound like you're in such a similar situation to me with your sisters. feeling left out of the family is no fun at all.

Actually you do not sound like a whinger. Just someone who has had a tough time and is fed up. Someone with the sense perhaps to chat here (where arguably content does not matter) before talking and acting in real life.

Do you think perhaps being the middle child may have something to do with this too? Not the oldest, not the youngest, expected to just get on with it?

Anger is a crucial part of grieving, and no 2 people will grieve in the same way.

Your mum seems to have noticed the score, she'll be needing help and support to grieve too, why not you and her team up a little to get each other through this? Talking to your sisters may help, perhaps they will come round and be more supportive... hard to say. But your mum could use all the support you can get and she loves you too, and would hate to see you in turmoil.

You absolutely are NOT whinging. You need to get it all out and deal with it, here is as good a place as any.