Access to DD for DP after splitting - please help me see sense...

[TheyThinkItsAllOver]

DP and I have split up. We have given our relationship every attempt possible - it's just not working. (Many issues, he has trust issues, toxic Mother, we just weren't meant to be)

We have an 8mo DD. She adores her Daddy. However she is still a mummy's girl. Although no longer BF, she will look to me for comfort etc etc.

What do we do about access? I don't know what would be considered normal for a child of this age. DP dotes on her - it's breaking his heart that he won't get up with her every morning, put her to bed and so on. I understand obviously, but I also know that I don't want him popping in all the time. |We have just broken up, it's raw, it's at that stage where we just need time apart to adjust/move on etc.

I also can't bear the thought of my daughter being away from me.

What is 'normal'? What frequency would be expected? If we sorted it out between us do we not have to have any formal agreement drawn up?

I'm so confused. I'm still getting used to the fact I'm going to be alone now, don't want my daughter not to be here every weekend....

You can agree to anything you want to - it will be hard though.

As long as you can agree and are both happy then there is no need for a formal agreement.

Have you considered mediation or Relate to help you move forward and help sort out the contact?

I didn't realise Relate would deal with the break up of a relationship too.

We are, generally on good terms. We both agree it's important that she still sees her Dad regularly. It's just getting that balance right for all of us. She's so little to be going away from mum for a weekend, i couldn't do it.

Even you can both cope with it, every day or every other day say after work if he could around for an hour or so would be best, perhaps half a day on a Sat & Sunday?

I have never been in your situation, but I feel your desperation - maybe it will be best initially if your ex could visit your dd at your house, while you pop out to the shops for an hour or so, say every second day - keep doing that until she is a bit older.

i don´t have direct experience but would have said similar to cargirl, can he do several bedtimes a week, or after work and up to dinner/bath? then maybe a good amount of day time at the weekend?

Relate (well they always used to) do separation counselling - and can help you work through any issues

But i agree with the others - little and often for contact especially given her age

agree with car girl. totally.

DS was 18 months before he was left with XH for a whole weekend on his own. - and that was literally sat am I left & early sunday I returned.

Hows about if you're getting on well with him, let him come over & play with DD or settle her etc at yours whilst you pop to a friends for a coffee - or could he take her for a morning or an hour or so.

the key thing is to respect each other as parents, and yes it is awful - infact it's bloody horrid the first few times you're not with them - it does feel like your arm has been cut off (sort but there's not really any way to pamper it up) but just remember she's fine, she's safe she's with her dad.

XH & I have alwasy done every other w.e from about 3 months after we split, prior to that he popped in when ever he wanted to, it wasn't really an issue, I was happy for him to come to the house & see DS.

it is good that you are both thinking what's best in the situation for your DD.

I split with DD's (also 8 months now) dad when she was 2 weeks old. He still comes to see her every other day, and takes her to his mums for the day on a Sunday. On the days that he comes here to see her after work, he will have a cuddle/play with her, give her her last feed and take her to bed. I use that time to have a bath, potter round the house tidying up, or pop round to a friends for a cuppa.

It's bloody tough at first. Especially watching them leave after being there playing happy families. You do wonder if you're doing the right thing, but it gets better. It soon becomes normal. Definitely use any time he is at your house to get away for an hour or two if possible. Hanging around each other awkwardly at this raw stage isn't enjoyable for any of you.

Be strong

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, little and often looks like it's the way to go. It will be best for her.

I'm happy to let DP 'sit' while I go out and get things done. I would less like to hang around with him anyway - as I said, all too fresh!

X posts SWBL - sorry. I'm glad you and your DD's father are making it work for you - really pleased that there are examples of people who can rise above it all for the sake of the children.

SWBL - does your ex not have your DD overnight yet then?

I don't think there is a 'normal' as such, but certainly little and often would be the key. A lot depends on how far away daddy is going to be, I guess. Definitely try mediation and don't think you have to find an answer straight away - her needs will change dramatically in a very short time. the advice posted so far is excellent and will go some way to keeping their bond until things are more settled.

She does, however, need her Daddy and you have to face up to the fact that you will miss her but you can't keep her with you selfishly. You also can't hover around while she has her time with Daddy. Whilst time in her own environment would be fine if you can cope with it, don't think it has to be that way - and you do need to move towards daddy creating his own space for her where she can be comfortable.

It would be much better all round for you to agree access between you. To help put it in perspective, if it did go to court then it is fairly likely that her Dad would get overnight access in the very near future - certainly by the time she is 2.

I'm glad we have made it work, it took a lot of effort mind, I'd have been happy to never lay eyes on him again but those were my problems with him, not DD's iyswim? Regardless of what he did, he was and still is a great Dad.

She had her first night away from me last weekend when I went on a hen night in Newcastle - but she stayed here and he slept in a spare room. She hasn't stayed away from home yet, doubt she will for a long time to be honest. We both see no need to unsettle her in that sense just yet

Just to add, from the pov of babies coping with being away from their mum - my ds stayed overnight at my mum´s several times from about 9/10months old, only a night and from afternoon one day til very early the next so mostly sleeping, but he was absolutely happy as larry and i imagine your baby will have a closer bond to her dad than to a nana? So if he did ask for overnight, just to reassure that though it might be hard for you, it wouldn´t be something unprecedented or necessarily that unsettling for her.

If you are amicalble can you both use the same routine so that the baby has the same things happening whether she is at your place or her dads?

Everyother weekend and a wednesday night, baby will be fine if it is regular.

The nrp parents will be missing the baby like crazy to and needs to have regualr contact and not to long inbetween each visit even if it is just one night.

I think we did a little at first with the open idea that it would build up eventually to something the same as the older dd. So we changed things around every 6 months for the first 18 months

hope you can get something sorted that will suit your baby

Have separated and soon to be divorced friends who only live 5 mins apart. The agreement is that they see both parents every day, (either morning or evening) so he takes them to school/nursery of a morning and sees them evenings Monday and Wednesday and all day Sat and both stay over Sat night. But this only works because of proximity.

I'd say living close to each other is important. Me and my ex are 5 minutes apart and it helps. Also staying amicable and letting the other parent do it their way even if you disagree, as long as the child is safe that is. In our situation the children see and/or speak to both parents everyday, and it seems to work. Good luck.

pith - I think that's a key thing as well - respecting that the other parent has different ideas to yours on parenting - as long as it's not fundamentals - ie you don't agree with hitting but the NRP does etc etc then you do have to bite your tounge, the same as (further down the line) them being left to do things they want to and you within reason have no say over any of it.

that I found was the hardest thing to deal with - more so I think that the hurt of seeing DS/XH & leaving DS for the w.e

Remember that dads do have feelings too and that it is breaking his heart as much to be apart from his DD as it would yours if your situations were reversed. Imagine if he had her full time and hardly let you see her!

Don't think of it as you "letting" him see her - he has as much right to be with his DD as you do - it is important to remember that. You just have to decide how much time she spends with each one of you. She has two parents.

This might all sound obvious but many mums don't seem to realise that they don't own their children and don't actually have the right to parcel out how much time they spend with their father.

She has the right to a relationship with her father as much as she has the right to a relationship with her mother. You should be aiming at equal parenting time as far as is possible.

Great post templemaiden.

50/50 is great if you can do this, both parents should have equal time as much as possible.

Every other weekend and every Wednesday?
Could he do the bath and bed routine one night a week????

Saying that DH and I are separated and he has the boys every weekend and sees them every day (we are lucky enough to live 5 mins apart.

We still do things with the children as a family also.

It is possible

Thank you for all the replies.

DP will still be close by, so it will work from that perspective.

I know it's breaking his heart as much as it would mine - that's why I'm so keen to work it out. I would be devestated and as I said in my OP he dotes on her.

It's all such a horrible situation isn't it. We'd both get 100% of the time if it had worked out - it's just awful that because of who I chose to have a child with I will see a lot less of her growing up (well, if it's 50% of the week to DP and 50% to me, esp once back at work which is imminent).

But I know she needs us both equally. It is fairly amicable. Still raw and makes me feel a bit ill to see xDP, but he had her for the afternoon today, just at home (his choice). I pottered, changed sheets, popped to shops etc. I left them alone.

Again, thanks for the advice.