Don't know what to do, can't think of a better subject line

[MangoMama]

Hi Mumsnetters... please help me out on this one, because I have absolutely no clue of what to do, and all the possible solutions seem so painful.

Have been with DP for the last years (feels like forever) and we have a child, DD (almost 3). We are from , but last year we came to live in London. DP is great and all, but our relationship was already very deteriorated and we felt more like roomates than like a real couple. Then I recently went back to -- to visit the friends and relatives, and I started a relationship with a very close friend who I'd been secretly in love with for several years now. It turns out he felt exactly the same for me. For 2 weeks I was the happiest girl, we were (are) so in love. Then DP found out. He was hurt, but was very understandable. We agreed to split amicably, but things are not so easy.

My options are:

If I move to back to with my new lover ( is in another country), DP would only get to see DD one weekend a month (that's all we can afford). He's afraid that in the end, eventually, my new lover (who already has children of his own) would take his place and raise his child, and DD would forget about him.

My other option is to remain in this relationship that is already dead, but to keep it friendly for the sake of our daughter. Keep on living with DP and forget about my new lover, sacrificing myself. Yep, I don't think it would work either, but I can't stand the thought of keeping DD apart from her dad (and vice versa).

:-S

Is there no way your new boyfriend could move to London? How old are his dc's?

If your new lover loves you that much perhaps he would consider moving a bit closer to where your current partner lives?

There must be a way of working things out better than either of the two not very appealing choices you list above.

and its not so much about your DP seeing his daughter as her seeing her dad - she will only get to see him once a month. TBH I wouldn't pick either of your choices - I would look for a better solution. What if you and your daughter moved to live mid- way between both partners?

It's going to be difficult moving straight in with somebody else, and confusing for your child.

However, long-distance parental relationships can work with commitment on both sides. You would need to keep talking about your child's dad in those terms, and keep non-physical contact regular. Would your new partner be able to handle this? Nowadays it is much easier with skype, video-messaging etc, but you would have to supervise it and make sure it really does happen. my own dd is 13 now and has a great relationship with her dad, even though they've lived in different countries since she was under two. She has just spent two weeks with him, and they chat for at least an hour every week. She has never called either of my subsequent partners 'dad'.

It probably helped that I didn't chuck him to be with someone else though.

Would it not be possible to separate from your ex but remain close by, at least for a year or two?

The new relationship should weather the storm if it's meant to be, and if it doesn't, and your marriage is truly dead, then living apart and co-parenting is the only sensible option realistically. The days of making your bed and having to lie in it forevermore are long gone, so I don't think the choices you outline are the only ones.

Thanks for the replies girls :-)

I wouldn't move to his place just yet (new lover's), but I'd rather stay in a small flat close to my parents and DP's parents. Having both grandmothers near would help me to have some time to work (I'm self employed and haven't been able to retake my career since DD was born).

If you want to leave your DP then do it but don't do it for anyone else.

Yes, I've been wanting to leave him for some time now. Years even. But never wanted to hurt him, and I feel he's really like my best friend. Then came DD.

I know I should've dealt with this long time ago :-s