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Original poster

So, can any level of violence be considered normal?

24 replies

NewAgain · 10/04/2010 14:55

Been with dh 12 years, married for 5, have 2 dc, live in a very comfortable family home in a nice neighbourhood.

Neither of us drink, smoke, take any drugs at all. Both have 'decent jobs' and a reasonable income.

Very much an ideal family set up from the outside.

There has been possibly 2 or 3 arguments over those 12 years that have become physical. Never to the extent of causing an injury, but still not nice.

He has pinned me up against a wall and shouted in my face once, and he has shoved me around once or twice.

So, does of couple of incidents like this in an otherwise happy marriage signify the start of a spiral of violence, or is the occasional moment of 'losing it' considered normal?

He is not controlling or posessive at all. The outbursts are always a spur of the moment reaction to something and never pre-meditated.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 10/04/2010 14:56

it's not normal. It might be easier to deal with but it's not normal. Personally, depending on the level of violence and the circumstances, I would maybe try to deal with it the first time but a second... no way.

skidoodly · 10/04/2010 15:01

I consider the occasional moment of "losing it" pretty normal, but I do not consider violence normal.

I don't believe that some violence necessarily means you are at the start of a spiral of violence that will follow a set pattern. These things are not as simple and predictable as sometimes portrayed.

But that doesn't mean that what has happened is acceptable.

You are anticipating that it will happen again.

If he's losing it to the extent of getting physical with you then he has a problem with managing his anger and needs help to get it under control.

mumonthenet · 10/04/2010 15:20

obviously you are concerned enough to ask on here.

I would agree with what the others have said.

Also, what is HIS attitude to these outbursts...I mean like afterwards?

Bucharest · 10/04/2010 15:24

No.

Original poster

NewAgain · 10/04/2010 15:34

He seems to have no idea that these kind of acts would be considered 'violent'. When I use that word to describe what he's done he scoffs at me and says 'I can't half exaggerate'.

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 10/04/2010 15:51

so he basically denies what's happened,

or suggests you've exaggerated.

Does he also suggest that you somehow provoked him, that whatever he did was because you pushed him "too far"?

mumonthenet · 10/04/2010 15:55

I only ask because

whilst the pinning you to the wall is not NORMAL, a non-violent man who lost his mind for a moment would generally be totally horrified afterwards and would take full responsibility for his actions.

A man who negates what he did shows a different and more worrying mindset.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 10/04/2010 15:56

I am not sure... I have certainly shoved DH away in anger before. But if he deems it 'ok' then that is worrying to me, I wouldn't be screaming "leave him" if he was very sorry afterwards and knew it was totally wrong. Based on 2-3 times in 12 years.

MrsPixie · 10/04/2010 16:21

Hmm

The fact that he thinks you exaggerate is not a good sign, I think the "normal" reaction to a violent behavior as you describe is to be mortified and apologetic.

Before DH and I were married we had an incident, he pinned me against the wall and yelled in my face. It was v frightening as he was drunk and didn't seem compus mentus which frightened me even more.

We had a break and he saw a councilor for 8 weeks I think and nothing has ever happened like it since that was 7 years ago. He still admits he was wrong and the therapy helped enourmously, he still had unresolved issues from his previous divorce and had bottled everything up.

Had this been a regular occurance, with the kind of thing you describe alarm bells would ring to be really honest.

Is he aggressive as a person in other ways?

ItsGraceAgain · 12/04/2010 00:39

He might be diminishing it because he's ashamed. Which doesn't make it all right, but doesn't make him an abuser either.

I have yelled (with as much shock & outrage as possible) "What are you doing?!" and sometimes it has stopped someone in their angry tracks. I sincerely hope you never need the advice, but it could be worth trying if anything happens again.

ChippingIn · 12/04/2010 05:19

I don't think it's that abnormal either though. It's not nice, but it's not terrible either. 2 or 3 times in 12 years is not really what you'd call escalating into a violent relationship is it. I bet you'd have other arguments where you have shouted and carried on and he hasn't reacted like this.

HOWEVER, if you are living in constant fear of it happening, then it is a problem.

cestlavielife · 12/04/2010 11:04

when was the last incident? how old are the children? are they learning to lash out when angry? what does he say when they fight?

it isnt normal reaction is it? do your friends do that to you?

i could have said that about my exP in 2007 -(three or four "violent" outbursts over 12 years...) but he then got much worse - number of factors i guess, he got severely depressed etcetc.

if anything triggers some kind of decline and you start to see more and more frequent outbursts then i would worry.... only takes one violent outburst and a child's head in the wrong place at the wrong time....

the fact he doesnt understand why you think it is an issue is potentially worrying.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2010 11:08

does he pin anyone else up against walls ?

or shove them around in anger ?

does he manhandle his friends/family/boss when they won't do as he says ?

if he were to do that in the street to a stranger, the police would take a very dim view of it

why does he think it is ok to do that to you ?

seeker · 12/04/2010 11:09

If he was mortified and ashamed then maybe, just maybe, this could be considered acceptable.

If he say's you're exaggerating, and it's not as bad as you say, then definitely not acceptable.

I am prepared to be he says it was your fault too. Am I right?

seeker · 12/04/2010 11:09

Sorry - that should be "prepared to bet"

tinierclanger · 12/04/2010 11:10

No, and if you are not leaving him now, I suggest that at least you document with dates what's happened in the past, in preparation for when you do.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 12/04/2010 11:13

No, no level of violence is ever 'normal'.

fishingboat · 12/04/2010 11:20

A straight forward NO, it doesn't matter the circumstances, shouting in anyone's face or the other instances you have described is not acceptable behaviour. There are no accuses!!! Your partner is suppose to protect you not treat you in this way, and I'm sure he is always sorry after the event until next time?? Classic behaviour of a violent person.

MyCatIsABastard · 12/04/2010 11:23

Well, this does not sound normal to me. No violence is acceptable in my view. I would not do it to my DH and he would not do it to me.

Has all this happened recently?

NicknameTaken · 12/04/2010 11:28

It's not just the violence, it's the power differential in your relationship that worries me. You are unhappy about the way he treated you, but your concerns are not "heard" and addressed by him.

EndangeredSpecies · 12/04/2010 11:28

I'd guess you have underlying relationship issues that are bothering you (and him). It doesn't sound like a spiral, it sounds like you are under strain. But if these things happened without warning, then alarm bells might start ringing for me.

In my ten-year relationship there have been two incidents similar to the ones you describe, the first time he shoved me, the second time he grabbed me and twisted my arm. There were about 4 years between the two, the last was two years ago.

We were both under massive strain at the time, the incidents were the culmination of weeks of arguments and stress not just out of the blue. It wasn't pleasant but I put it down to his immaturity which I told him about and that he's since taken steps to address. I like him now and I'm not worried it's going to happen again.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/04/2010 11:32

No, this is not normal.

As AnyFucker says, does your DP pin anyone else up against the wall? Like his friends? Does he shove his work colleagues around when he is pissed off with them. No, of course not.

Violence is violence is violence. This would not happen in my relationship - I would be gone. Nobody yells in my face or pushes me. I have had shit like this (which escalated into something a lot worse) from XP when I was young and stupid, and no way would I have it again.

fuzzywuzzy · 12/04/2010 11:44

I find his behaviour following the violent incidents very telling. ex who was very violent will say to this day inspite of the very compelling evidence to contrary that he was never violent....

It's the problem with living within an abusive marriage, the abuse becomes normalised in the victims mind and the abuser thinks up a million excuses as to why eh was nto abusive because the public persona he has set up for himself is probably of a really nice fun guy.

No amount of violence is normal, given my history I would not tolerate it at any level.

GrendelsMum · 12/04/2010 19:57

Why not ask your friends and family if they think it's normal? For example, you could ask his mum if he has pushed her up against a wall and shouted in her face, or ask his boss whether your husband has ever shoved him around when they've disagreed at work? You could ask your friends and your sisters / sisters in law whether their DHs ever hit them during arguments?

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