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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Problems with the Mother of my goddaughter

6 replies

purplehat · 10/04/2010 12:02

This has really been upsetting me for a while and I am not sure what to do so would appreciate any responses.

I have been friends with her for about 9 years now and was thrilled and touched in equal measure when she asked me to be Godmother to her baby a few years ago.

However, in the past year things haven't been going very well between us. We haven't actually argued at all but she has let me down more times than I can recall- times we have arranged to meet for lunch with the children, weekends we have had planned etc. In a nutshell I get the impression that she doesn't value our friendship- she seems to have a lot of different friends now and goes out a lot getting pissed. If one of these friends suggests doing something then she cancels plans that we have. Now on one hand a big part of me thinks 'Fine then. I can do a lot better than this and I DO have good friends who don't dump me if they get a better offer'. That side of me would just leave things as they are. But on the other hand I have my Goddaughter who I absolutely ADORE, yet have not seen for a while again now because her Mother keeps cancelling the plans we have.

It's also worth mentioning that I have had a terrible year. I don't really want to go into the detail of it all but a lot of dreadful stuff has happened to me. This friend has not been in the least bit supportive to me and has actually acted as though nothing has happened for most of the time. In short- she has not been much of a friend to me at all and if it weren't for this precious little girl I would not be in contact with her at all.

I have taken to writing her letters and sending little gifts through the post. Yet the reality is that (given her age) this little girl isn't likely to remember me or have a relationship with me if this situation continues. I want to be able to see her, spend time with her, support her parents and in the future be able to have her to stay for weekends with my own children to give me friend a break. All of this is stuff we were all in full agreement about.

So, wise Mumsnetters- what do I do?
The way I see it I have two choices- let things continue as they are at the moment, or write to my friend, telling her how I am feeling and risk her cutting ties with me altogether ( she can be very judgemental and harsh at times).

OP posts:
purplehat · 10/04/2010 12:21

Does anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:
Karmann · 10/04/2010 12:23

Oh it's horrible when this kind of thing happens isn't it? It seems to me that over the last few years maybe your lives have been going in different directions and that you are growing apart. It does happen and it's not a reflection on you.

I think there is an option in between the two choices - let things continue as they are at the moment but take a bit more of a back seat. Keep in touch but don't make any arrangements, that way she can't let you down. If you were to write to her and she did take offence there would be no going back.

lilacclaire · 10/04/2010 12:27

It does sound as if she has moved on to be honest.
Are you perhaps are using the role of godmother to give you the right to force her to keep contact with you when she clearly wants to move on.

purplehat · 10/04/2010 12:32

Thanks for the replies

Friendship wise- we have clearly drifted apart. We have always been quite different but those differences seem magnified in the way she's treated me lately.

The Godparent bit is kind of separate in a way. As I have already said were we 'just' friends' things would be a lot easier actually- there is no way I want somebody in my life who has treated me the way she has the past year. There is absolutely no way on Earth I would ever force someone to stay in contact with me.

However....I made a commitment to that little girl and it's not within me to withdraw that and I think my friend would be devastated if I did actually.

I suppose the question is...how can I continue to fulfil my role as Godmother when my relationship with her Mother is a bit...fractured?

OP posts:
Jux · 10/04/2010 12:48

Your true obligation is to the child, but you can only go through the mother at the moment. However, that child will grow up, so you will not always be so helpless.

Keep up the correspondence. One day the child will open her own letters.

purplehat · 10/04/2010 12:52

Thankyou Jux

I suppose that's all I can do really...

I appreciate all the reponses

OP posts:
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