Am I Reasonable to Feel This Way?

[justwishing]

Briefly my non live-in partner of 7 months has rung me this evening to say that he has to cut short our planned weekend away next weekend to attend a family event with his late wife's family. They organised the family event without consulting him on his availability, the break was booked before Christmas and they have applied emotional pressure to get him to attend, including involving his children. I am upset that they still have this power over him, several years after his wife's death and also that he rang me tonight and presented me with a decision already made and taken alone. He has not told his in laws about me, so they are as far as I know unaware that they have affected anyone other than him and his children. This is another issue and I feel by now that he should have told them.

My son is very disappointed, I had taken a day off school for him and organised cover for work for myself so that we could stay over till the Monday. My question is am I being unreasonable to feel this way given that we don't live together,should I have expected to be consulted, and should I tell him how upset I am? I told him tonight that it was OK but think he realises that it is actually not OK, I have had a very stressful time recently and was desperate for this break, now it feels as though it will be rushed and hardly worth going. I do realise how important it is to keep up the family connection for his children, I am a widow myself, but I am not sure whether I would go so far as to cancel a planned holiday to fit in with my in laws social engagements.

By the way he did book and pay for the break and invited me and my DS as his guests, so no financial implication for me in cutting it short, which makes me wonder even more whether I am being unreasonable in expecting to have a say in this decision

I think that it is not unreasonable to ask your DP to put his late wife's family in the picture now. These things will keep cropping up. I would also ask him to explain to your ds why the plans have changed on this occasion.

I did explain to my ds myself, and he understands, he is 13 but obviously it is disappointing for him. I respect his reasons for making this decision and he has made it because he is decent,kind and an excellent father all the qualities I love in him, I just wish that he had spoken to me about it first, I wouldn't necessarily have tried to persuade him to change his mind, but I would have felt that my opinion mattered. Just sometimes though it would be nice to feel that our relationship took priority, but maybe it is too soon to expect that.

I agree he should have consulted you.
I can see his side in making the decision in the first place though - his in laws have lost their daughter and he wants to make them happy.

You need to talk to him and clear the air; ask that he checks with you first before making decisions which affect both of you.

Thanks ladies, bumping for some more opinions, I am seeing him tonight and don't really know what to say.

I think I understand why you feel this way, I would too.

OTOH, I imagine there are quite a lot of emotional ties between him and his late wife's family and it puts him in a difficult position.

Maybe when you see him tonight, gently explain that you feel a bit sidelined by it, especially because he presented you with the decision already made without asking your opinion. And that it is not just you who has been affected, it is your DS too.

Maybe him attending this family event at the expense of your holiday will bring home to him how he has started to move on and that its time to start thinking about how to tell them about you?

Also, do you have to cut the holiday short when he does, or can you stay on?

I can't stay on as we are travelling together and it is not possible to take a second vehicle as a ferry crossing is involved. I think the point has been reached where he is going to have to tell them about me or things like this are just going to keep happening. I don't feel they would have put the level of pressure they have on him if they realised that other people were involved in the arrangements he had already made. I do understand why he felt that they should attend this family event, but it is the fact that he didn't consider talking to me first, and if I was in a similar situation I know that I would at least have done that, even if it didn't alter my final decision. I told my MIL about our relationship more than a month ago and she was delighted for me. He knows he should tell them but fears what their reaction will be.

I think he is acting with compassion. I really do understand why you feel put out - you're entirely justified in feeling the way you do - but he's not responsible for their actions. The loss of a child is the greatest disaster; it takes more than a year to resolve the grief (wouldn't you still be somewhat irrational, two years later, if yours died?)

My brother's in-laws couldn't handle the fact that he'd found a new partner for at least 5 years after my SIL died. It's just one of those things ... in this case, it's really not about you.

I realise you won't read this until later. I hope your trip went OK.

Sorry, I can't have read your OP properly - your problem is that he knew about it at Christmas, but didn't tell you? That is a bit odd; I thought he'd only just found out about it.

All the same, it is an emotional minefield for him. Maybe he could have handled it better, but it's understandable why he didn't. Does that make sense?

My my, all of you've been busy busy these past few days. Have a lie down mate!