Am seriously peed off with my mum...advice needed please

[Ingles2]

I'm being totally unreasonable I know...but I'm really resentful inside and I just can't be bothered to speak to her atm.
Basically, for the last few years my parents have talked about moving abroad.
As my dad has never lived anywhere else and quite frankly isn't a particularly sociable or adventurous person I always thought this was pie in the sky.
We however live in the country,3 hours away from them, but commutable to London where we have our own business.
We never visited my parents as they lived in a small, pristine, flat and with my 2 boisterous boys and menagerie of animals it was easier for them to come to us a couple a times a year,...but she always made it clear how cold and muddy the country was etc etc...
Fast forward to this year and my mum was made redundant after 20 years in a job where she was extremely successful and popular... She has always made it clear that she lived for "her boys" (my ds's) and her friends.
This last 18 months has been really really tough for us and our work,...we barely kept our heads above water, the AP had to go, all sorts of cut backs, but for the last 6 months things have picked up, to the extent that I'm now really busy, trying to juggle work, the kids, living in the middle of nowhere with a husband I only see 2 a week as we crossover on the London trips
and I also have the responsibility of my very elderly Pil's who visit every weekend .
So last week my parents moved...to France. To a farm in the middle of nowhere.
I am gutted that now they have time on their hands and are young that they didn't make the decision to move near us and help.
TBh if it was just my mum, maybe she would have...my dad has absolutely no interest in us or the boys.
They could have still had the country life here though and new adventure..
. I'm trying hard to appreciate that she's not obligated to help us, she's got her own life to do what she wants, but I just don't get it really.
If my boys needed help, I would be there like a shot!
Her facebook page is full of drinking wine in France and planting the veg garden with comments from her friends about how lovely she is and generous and kind..
and I'm here on the verge of a nervous breakdown..
I could happily not talk to her again...
How can I get over this?

Hope things get easier, Ingles2.

Well I decided on where...my dad is a control freak and would be at the boys constantly if they touched anything, left a mark, spilt something...and as ds2 is dyspraxic that was highly likely
How often was them...they both worked fulltime, they had social lives to be envious of...not much time really and it was 4 hours away.
I was never happy about the amount of contact but with work and the distance and the fact they didn't like the country explained it in my head...
now work and country has been taken out of the equation I'm struggling as to why they want to put more distance and some water between us..but really in my heart of hearts I know it's my dad's decision not my mums.

Thanks Animula and for your lovely post..brought a tear to my eye

something else has been winding me up... last year I posted because my mum went nuts when I said I wasn't going to host Xmas.
We had no money, no time and as I had hosted Xmas every year since the ds's were born (10 Years) I was taking a year off.
She went absolutely crazy at me, ranting about ruining her special time with her boys, then didn't speak to me for a few weeks.
Eventually I had to back down a bit and she came for 4 days on boxing day.. Don't think they offered to have us at any time though..

On the plus side you may get a cheap holiday in France every now and again?

It sounds to me that your upset is clearly to do with much bigger issues regardig your relationship with your parents and the stressful life you are currently leading. This move to France is probably just the last straw and very human and natural of you to be feeling like this. Feelings are rarely reasonable or rational. But if you can find a way to deal with some of these issues and unburde your life I suspect you will no longer care about their move to France. I would talk to your sis-in-law more. Dementia is dreadfully difficult to deal with and as a family you need to come up with a solution that does not involve the burden of responsibility lying on you and your dp partners' shoulders alone. Care homes are sometimes a life saver for the person living there as well as the family. Try not to dismiss it too quickly out of a misplaced feeling of guilt. It is far more complicated than that.

I do really feel for you and I hope it all becomes a bit easier for you.

I totally understand why you are feeling let down by your parents. As you have said they do deserve the freedom to do what they want with their lives but it is a shame that they have moved so far away when you really need some support.

I know its easier said than done but I wonder if you need to accept what they have done, allow yourself to be angry and hurt by it and then try to move on and deal with the major issue that you have of being overwhelmed by all the things that you have to deal with at the moment.

Wishing your parents would help you out is knocking on a door that is sadly closed- if that makes sense? You maybe need to think really hard about other ways to ease the load. It sounds like your SIL has made a start by suggesting you look into care homes. I find it really hard top admit when I am struggling and ask for help- maybe you do to? If you can find a way to make some big changes or ask for some help you may be able to make life a little easier.

I do understand Ingles2 and I'd feel hurt too but stop wasting your valuable energy on fretting about your parents and start thinking about how to improve your own lot. DO start talking to SIL about PIL - make her see that you need help now and she needs to talk to your DH about plans for the future. Can you consider an au-pair, cleaner or some sort of help? Can you move your business or do more from home? You sound knackered.

Thankyou for all your kind messages.
I just had a long chat with mum. I didn't tell her how I felt, but I think she understands a bit more, how overwhelmed I feel.. I'm just going to have to be a bit more demanding from the rest of the family.
Thanks again.

I can understand where you're coming through, even though you really can't expect (nor can I) your parents to be on hand to help when times are tough. They have their own lives, they've worked hard and it sounds as if they're enjoying themselves before they become aged and infirm.

It would be nice, though, wouldn't it? I imagine you're feeling rather hurt, as well as everything else - grandparents are 'meant' to want to see their grandchildren a lot, even if that doesn't mean they'll be a whole lot of help when they do. So this must feel like a slap in the face to you and your DC. I hope you can work something out with your parents that will mean your DC and they see a lot more of one another.

coming FROM, I mean...

Ingles - they don't sound very nice . Your dad sounds like he would be a nightmare with small boys around tbh. I imagine you are probably as cross about them not being how you would like them to be as you are about them being abroad.

if she only sees you a couple of times a year, then whats the problem? you can holiday in france.

Looking ahead, I can see that your parents might have a problem in the future when they become infirm. If they returned to this country wouldn't they expect you to look after them, just like you have done your PiL? If they don't help you now they can't really expect to be helped in the future (but somehome that kind of thing doesn't always work out).

the carehome thing is a good idea, but surely SIL can look into it with your DH. It's not your job to research it.