You know when you say 'be happy in yourself and you will find love'

[Fliight]

Well,

I just wondered how happy you have to be exactly and what it covers.

For instance, I've been on my own now without even any casual relationships (apart from a bit of snogging on occasion, but that was kind of accidental one off thing followed by severe awkwardness)
for about 3 and a half years.
I'm contented with our lives, well what I mean is we are doing OK - but things could be better. We just get on with it.

But there are still things I am rubbish at and wish someone else was around to assist with. I'm no good at cooking, and I'm a bit scared of the dark. I don't like travelling with the kids, can't practically do stuff like holidays or whatever with them, as it is too much for one of me and two of them.

So there are things we could do if someone else was around - and I don't see how to change that.

So my question is, if I am OK without a partner, but still would like one - does that mean it isn't going to happen? Or do I really need to be super-Ok, wanting for nothing, completely self sufficient, and actually actively NOT want someone else around, for it to have a chance of happening?

I also get a bit lonely and miss the sex...obviously... but wouldn't want to put up with any old bloke iyswim. I am fairly fussy.

Thankyou for your thoughts.

oh and I often feel like I have no TIME for a relationship, does that count? Because so far I have only had offers from old men and someone I don't fancy who doesn't want commitment...

No no I think if you are OK without a partner, but would still like one, that is fine, it doesn't mean you won't find one.

The problem comes when people need a partner and feel they cannot function without one. That is when people end up getting together with unsuitable partners.

As long as you don't need one, one might just come along an denhance your life.

He is hiding isn't he, in the cellar. Just waiting to surprise me with his desire.

I don't think many people who are single, no matter how content they are with their lives, actively don't want a partner.

Obviously there are people who don't, and people who would rather be single and never have committed relationships with others, but most people would probalby consede that if the right person came along, they would happily embark on a relationship with them, even if they had thought they wouldn't want to.

I know for a long time I actually didn't want a partner, I knew I needed time just being single to become content and rediscover myself and learn to be independant and not need a partner, after some bad relationships, but once I felt secure and content being single, and happy to just get along with my life and do things lyself and use male friends for extra help etc. I found I did seem to attract more interest from men.

But because I was content and happy being single, I didn't rush into anything with men who where untimately not going to be compatible long term, I didn't see the need to waste energy on relationships unless I was very confidnet there was something there, so I had no strings fun with men who wanted the same in order to fulfil my sexual needs but didn't put any emotion into anyone other than myself and DS.

~I guess you could say I became quite selfish, but that allowed me to protect myself and DS from unnesesary hurt, and then when someone came along who was very compatible I was content and secure enough to take my time getting to know him as a friend before I committed to anything with him, and it was well worth it.

ewww at old men

Yes yes I know, I too feel that I don't have time sometimes, It did feel really good once I became content being single I have to say, it was a really great feeling and I know I will always have that now!

Thanks Omdb. That sounds really good and makes sense. I am at that stage of not settling for just anyone, but not quite confident that someone compatible will turn up I suppose.

I really don't want to start getting involved sexually with anyone on a casual basis, it would worry me too much as I am a bit prudish about that kind of thing, but it seems to be that when someone unsuitable comes along, I really can't be bothered - and that feels great.

Thanks for explaining.

Sounds like you are sorted fliight, if you cannot be bothered with unsuitables that is good!

And if casual sex isn't for you, don't bother with it either, it's certainly not compulsory for singles! Plenty of ways of satisfying yourself if you really need to on your own.

I'm glad you're feeling more confident about it all. To me you sound slike you are quite sorted and sound, if that helps!

very encouraging my darling, thankyou! I'm not sure, it is prob just a confident week, iykwim!
But definitely the longer I avoid the unsuitables, the stronger I feel...just it is rather lonely and I wonder if I am putting blokes off, or just not meeting enough.

Anyway...thankyou. You are lovely. and I am glad it worked out for you in the end.

Well I know for a fact that I used to put blokes off by sending out the wrong vibes, basically I had a wall up and wouldn't let anyone in if they tried to get too close, so that put the nice men off and the only men who bothered where ones who didn't want real relationships, so I kind of shot myself in the foot there, but once I realised it I started to take the wall down a little bit for some people, who could be suitable, but it wasn't till I was ready, if that makes snese.

Sometimes we need our walls up to protect ourseles until we are ready to take a risk again.

You'll be fine when the time comes, in the meantine if you are putting men off, they ar eprobably unsuitable or you are not ready yet anyway!

It does get lonely though doesn't it! But the good thing is you don't remember the lonely periods so much once they have passed

Sorry I haven't time to read the replies but I think the difference is if you feel you need a man to be "complete" then you are not there yet, but wanting to meet someone for all the reasons you cite is perfectly normal.

If you feel like you are a half person if you're not part of a couple, can't bear to be alone, would make do with someone not-quite-right rather than be alone, then you are not capable of making yourself happy.

You don't sound any of those things.

Just be patient - he is out there, somewhere...

agree with mrsboogie, it is about feeling complete on your own