Advice please for struggling singleton

[doughnutdolly]

Hi folks

Basically my husband left me and my ds (5) and dd (3) 6 months ago. There was another woman involved but that didn't last. Throughout our ten year marriage he has had a couple of other affairs which I found out about but got over. In the 6 months we have been apart he has gone from being horrible to being remorseful and wanting us all back together, to being horible again. We now both know there is no way back and have agreed to seperate for good. When I look back I feel a) stupid for letting him treat me like that b)so angry that he would choose to be a lying cheating arse rather than a faithful loving husband c) gutted for my children who adore him and will now grow up without us as a proper family.

The problem is, although now I know I am better off without him, I can't get rid of the truly awful feelings of hurt and resentment for the way he has treated me. This then causes arguments over every little thing we have to discuss. Everytime I see him or talk to him, I come away feeling even lower than before. He is a very 'hands on' Dad and is keen to be fully involved with the children but this requires us to be co-operative and communicative and we just can't seem to be like that. He is constantly defensive and I am constantly ultra sensitive. I feel like I spend all my time waiting for the next hurt and wondering what it will be. I think of him out enjoying himself or with other women and it asolutely eats me up inside.

I know he is a loser and a pathetic husband but the pain of losing what we could have had does not seem to be diminishing.
I would love some 'survival tips' from others who have been through a break up. Any tips on how to cope with the hurt, the discussions, the resentments, would be gratefully received!

Umm, you need to shift your focus away from him and back to youself & DCs. Start by doing stuff for you: get back in touch with old friends, have a facial, visit your favourite museum, whatever is really "you" and just for you. Exercise (or change your exercise) because it puts you back "in your own skin". Start doing something new with the kids. This is all about loving yourself & reclaiming your own life.

To remove the emotional content from dealings with your ex, you might need to cut communications down to the cold minimum, if only for six months while you find your own balance. Best if you can keep it to strictly-business emails and do handovers with one parent in the house & the other in the car. Can you get a friend to support you with this?

Please remind yourself that what you're grieving for is the marriage you thought you had, not what it really was! That doesn't make your grief any less real - six months isn't very long to get over the shattering of dreams - so cut yourself some slack and be very, very nice to your self.
Good luck

Oh gosh, I really do sympathise with you as I am in pretty much the exact same situation and trying to cope with the exact same feelings. The only difference is that my husband has never had the guts to admit that he had cheated on me/ is seeing someone else. Either way, the turmoil that you put yourself through (my main one is that I constantly feel that perhaps I was unreasonable in my expectations of him as a father and a husband and I drove him to do what he has done) is awful and, at times, unbearable. I have posted elsewhere on MN about the awful depths of despair that I can sink to and it was the brilliant advice of the other Mnetters that persuaded me that it wasn't all my fault and that things would get better eventually although there would still be a lot of crap to deal with.

Like you, I go through days when I think that if he were to walk through the door and say that he wanted to try again, I would welcome him back, no questions asked. Other days, I berate myself for being so stupid for falling in love with a selfish, immature, callous, coldhearted t**t who put his own interests in front of those of his wife and DS (who is just coming up to 2). Other days, I just simply loathe the man and feel sorry for him thinking that one day he will regret everything that he has casually thrown away and, having never had the courage to face up to it all, will never learn from his mistakes.

A lot of what I have done is on a practical level. I have found that having/ trying to have discussions about the whole situation with my husband impossible mainly because he stonewalls me/ turns nasty/ gets defensive ie. the behaviour of someone who feels incredibly guilty about their actions but doesn't have the guts to do something about it. As such, I have minimised contact with him and contact is primarily by email. There is no discussion about the emotive aspects of the situation, simply discussion about the practical aspects such as access, finances etc. That way, it is more difficult to get drawn into emotional conversations. Knowing that contact with him is on my terms and only deals with the necessities means that I can almost compartmentalise him and deal with him as I would a nasty chore at home. I'm not advocating this as a long-term solution but it does help whilst you are trying to rebuild your fragile confidence and self-worth. I know that, in the long term, I do need to be able to build up an amicable relationship with him but, again, it will be on my terms and at a time when I am a stronger person and able to cope with him.

I've also tried to start rebuilding my life without him. Since my DS was born I have made some amazing friends and, together with my school friends and other friends who were originally mutual friends of mine and my ex, I actually have quite a good social life! This has been really important as it can be the weekends and sometimes evenings when you can get really lonely and start to dwell on things a little bit too much.

I've also taken up a voluntary role with a local organisation and the feeling that I am able to make a worthwhile contribution to a good cause makes me feel better about myself (yes, there was a bit of a selfish motive there I'm afraid). I've also joined a gym which I've found great for getting rid of anger/ frustration etc.

Talking to friends and family has also been invaluable and is probably one of the best things you can do. If you are like me though and you don't want to always be a "burden" to friends and family, you can always post on here and there will always be a sympathetic ear/ words of advice.

I've also tried to stay on relatively good terms with the in-laws. As difficult as it might be, you may find them to be a good source of support and understanding. Certainly, I have had that from my in-laws although I was rather nervous about talking to them after it all first blew up. However, it was good to get their perspective on things and also an insight into where they thought things had gone wrong. I was surprised as they certainly didn't view their son as unimpeachable (I think that's the right word!

Your children will be a great source of comfort as well. As much as my DS frustrates me sometimes with his antics, it only takes one cuddle or little gesture from him and my heart melts all over again. I was practically in tears when I dropped him off at nursery today as he spontaneously turned round and gave me a kiss when I said goodbye!There will be so many precious moments that your husband is missing out on because of his actions. I know you say about your children growing up in a "proper" family but I am gradually starting to realise that my DS is doing absolutely fine without daddy always being around (answer to that was that he never was in reality there and when he was he wasn't that interested) and that they are hardy strong little creatures. It might be because DS is a bit younger than your DC but hopefully, as long as they know that they are still loved and that you and your husband will always act in their best interests regardless of the relationship between the two of you, then that will go a long way to helping them as well.

I have even signed up to internet dating the other day. I am not normally the type of person that would ever consider it but I have learnt over the past few months that taking myself out of my usual comfort zone can be a really positive experience. I'm not saying that I am already over my husband dumping me and my DS but, for me, it is just another way of slowly re-establishing myself as a person independent of my husband, rebuilding my confidence and having a little bit of fun along the way. I'm not expecting to meet Mr Right Second Time Lucky but it is a step to realising that there is life after this whole sorry mess.

The last bit of advice is that old tried and tested one of just taking one day at a time. That is what I am doing. Sometimes, I will have day upon day of crap and will end up posting on here feeling virtually suicidal but it just takes one good day to realise that it is all worthwhile and life will get better and that, gradually, all the horrible feelings and emotions that you are dealing with now will lessen as will the pain of what you have gone through over the past few months. By looking to the future and not dwelling the past, you will start to come through it.

I have just realised that this is an absolutely epic post but your message really struck a chord with me. I hope that some of my waffle helps and good luck! x

Thanks so much ezma. Everythng you said really does ring true with my situation. I plan to re read your post later and respond more fully once kids in bed but thanks. Helps to know I'm not the only one in this shitty situation!

Thanks so much for your positive feedback. Really helps to know that hopefully things will get better.

I remember saying when we first split up that I wished I was 6 months on and over 'the worst'. However although I am 6 months on, those bad days seem to hurt just as much and I find it all so disheartening and wonder just how long it will take to feel 'normal' again. I am so lucky with the support I have from family and good friends and they are always there when I need them but sometimes the future looks so dark and scary. I never imagined I'd end up in this situation and really worry about my dc's happiness. Although they both have been great throughout this and have shown no signs of upset or confusion (so far anyway!)

During our marriage we had some really happy times where I was very content with my lot. I think now I just feel overwhelmingly gutted that our family life wasn't enough for my husband and spend a lot of time wondering how I could have got it all so wrong. I sometimes wonder if I ever really knew the man I loved and find that so scary.

However hearing from people who have been through this is and come out the other side is very uplifting; thank you. I am keen to take a look at the book mentioned too, thanks.

Thanks Anothermum, I've really found it helpful hearing from other's in similar situations.We've not started divorce proceedings, we are still ploughing our way through negotions regarding finances which I am finding totally draining. He is being very uncooperative which results in more arguements and bad feeling which I know none of us really want but can't seem to escape from. How long did take for you to get all the finances/children's access etc sorted out?

Hi, Yes the legal/ divorce part is probably the hardest. I have just started the whole process and not only is it hard in respect of it representing the finality of it all but it is also traumatic because of all the practicalities etc. Being a lawyer, I thought I would be pretty hardened to that side of things but I haven't been at all and I am finding it stressful at the moment. I think it was also the shock of how much it was going to cost to get divorced and the feeling that nobody was really benefitting out of the whole process. My ex is being difficult re. the finances too and, I suspect, less than honest as well. I just don't understand why he has to make it so difficult for everyone as it only fosters bad feeling, mistrust and a real break down in communications. I can truly sympathise with those women who throw divorce parties when the divorce is finalised as it is such an awful experience and, even though I should be biased, I get the feeling that many solicitors do make it much more protracted and difficult than it needs to be for the sake of fees. I am not sure at the moment whether to continue with the solicitor I originally instructed as I felt that I didn't connect with her very well and I didn't think she understand what I wanted to achieve out of it all either. I am looking around and will perhaps see if I can get a recommendation from a friend instead.

Sorry, I think I am having one of those days where I am letting the financial/ divorce aspects really get me down......

I haven't been through a break-up, but I do think you need to cut yourself some slack here OP. It doesn't surprise me in the least that your interactions with your H are difficult - and that you feel angry. Infidelity and deceit tend to always skew feelings. It's one thing breaking up with someone because you have both agreed it's not working - and it's painful if one party has fallen out of love and wants to end the marriage. But there is some integrity and respect in those scenarios.

It is rather different if someone has been deceiving you repeatedly - and is failing to take responsibility for that wrong. Because knowing one has been deceived increases hurt, anger and blame, many departing spouses will claim till they are blue in the face that there "is no-one else involved". That's normally a complete smokescreen to avoid blame and responsibility.

OP, the anger you're seeing is pure deflection - it sounds as though your H can't quite believe that he hasn't managed to talk you round this time. Rather than a more introspective stance of "why can't I be faithful?" - he bizarrely projects the anger on to you for not putting up with what is his problem.

The best way of dealing with people like this is to be businesslike - confining conversations to the DCs and issues relating to the settlement. Don't get drawn into any arguments or emotional conversations. Be perfunctory.

In private though, do rage and wail - how you're feeling is perfectly understandable. Deceit really does make these break-ups worse.

You are so right. I feel like I'm stuck in this vicious circle of wanting to get all the details agreed on and settled but not being able to because I'm so angry and hurt and he's so resentful and uncooperative that we just can't communicate effectively. It just goes on and on..... I know that if all the financial issues were settled, there would be fewer reasons for arguements but this 'place' we are in now is the absolute worst situation for coming to agreements which will ultimately affect the rest of our lives.

I get so hurt and upset when he is angry and resentful towards me even though I try to convince myself that he is deflecting from his own guilt. But I just don't 'get' why he would want to hurt me even more than he already has. It is so unlike the person I thought I'd married that at times I feel like I am going off my head and will never be able to trust my own judgement again!!

oh doughnut, I really feel for you as it is exactly the same way that I feel most of the time. The main reassurance I can give you is that you are categorically not going off your head as I am going through the exact same feelings and upset as you. I have even tried asking my ex why he continually hurts me with his actions, words etc. and I get no response. I have even been to my doctor about it as I genuinely thought I was cracking up. I mean, how can you go through so many mood swings (well more than usual) and go from extreme anger to despair, optimism (on occasion) and everything in between in what can be relatively short time scales? He was brilliant though at reassuring me that it was completely normal and that it was just my way of coping with everything and in situations like this, every emotion is going to be heightened. So please don't feel like you are cracking up as you are most certainly not. In fact, if anything, you come across in your posts as incredibly strong, pragmatic and thoughtful of not only your DC but your husband as well. You only have to look at how you have acted in this difficult situation and see that your judgment is spot on and you can trust it.

Thanks Ezma, your situation sounds very similar to mine so your words of empathy are very encouraging! How long has it been since you and your husband split up? I look forward to becoming as rational about my situation as you seem to be about yours. Everyone tells me that time helps but at the moment, that time can't come soon enough! I'm now getting quite concerned about my DS. He's recently started asking if I love Daddy and if Daddy can come for a sleep over and it absolutely breaks my heart. He can be quite a deep thinker so I am worried that 6 months on, he's finally starting to realise that he's not in his normal family situation any more. I work with children so know how to talk to them at a level they can understand but oh how much more difficult it is when it's your own. My DD is just like a wee ray of sunshine and so accepting and happy with everything but she is still so young that I feel she is quite unaffected. Whereas my DS can remember our life as it was before. Would love some advice from others who have had similar discussions with their young DCs.

doughnutdolly - gosh, i feel sad for all of you; the kids, you and even your husband. Hopefully one day you will rediscover some sort of partnership on a parental level with him. But you need to find another focus first.

Try to pity him abut don't waste your life being angry with him for ever. Haven't read the entire thread but even good people can have affairs. Perhaps you need to let him know that he needs to show you some respect if that is what you feel. Best wishes

Doughnut, it's been eight months now since the break up but things were going pear shaped for about 12 months before that. I am one of these people who is very good at putting on a front when dealing with people whilst inside I am completely shot to pieces most of the time. There are times when if someone asked my how I felt, I could quite truthfully tell them that I feel like jumping off the nearest bridge but usually manage to smile and say "I'm fine" and deflect the conversation back to them. I'm also, as you probably gather, rather good at giving advice rather than applying it to myself. For good or bad, my way of dealing with things has been to throw myself into new things and try and build a new life for myself in which my ex only has a minimal role to play ie. father of DS. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing (ie. is my carefully built facade going to crash to the ground in spectacular style sooner or later?) I don't know. For me, a huge part of the stress is worrying about finances and how I'm going to cope expecially with the costs of divorce itself and everything else on top. If I didn't have that worry, I would probably be able to cope a lot better.

ezma and doughnut - all of what you have both said rings true with me.
I cannot communicate with my ex at all, after 6 months since he left. I still keep saying it's early days.
I can go for a week or so without much problem, work and Dc keep me busy, but then I will have to speak with him, maybe about the finances or something and then it all kicks off.
He is very calm and measured, but then he can be, he is the one who had the affair, left, is living a new life, and I'm at home picking up the pieces.
I cannot control my reactions, either tears or raging at him, calling OW all sorts of nasty names. It upsets me as I am not an angry person, I am very placid, happy and wouldn't usually be unkind to anyone in anyway.
It's the hurt and pain that makes me like this, so I understand where you are coming from totally. I just keep hoping that one day it will be easier and I can talk to him again.

Partytime, I hope it's been a help to you as it's been to me to be aware of other mums going through the exact same heartache.

I've had two very bizarre experiences this week. First one (at beginning of week) was when I was sitting in dentist waiting room. My husband's ex came in, sat down and chatted happily to anyone who looked her way, whilst I sat there thinking I was about to have a panic attack. I could not believe that the woman who played an active role in destroying my family could just carry on regardless. I truly did not know what to do so I left, got to my car and wept and wept. I was so angry, bitter, resentful and annoyed at myself for not 'doing' something. What? I don't know, but just something. The day then dissolved into a wasted day of tears and moans to my mum.

However, 5 days on and I feel strangely 'removed' from the whole situation. I think of my husband and don't really feel anything. That doesn't make me feel particularly good but I'm hoping it's a step towards this new normality that everyone keeps telling me I'll get to in time. Kids and I have spent the day at home just faffing about really and it been 'ok'. I used to think days like this, without any plans, would drive me potty but its actually fine. I really hope I can hang on to this feeling and make it a bit more positive but for just now I guess it will need to do.

I have no doubts I am still only partially round this emotional roller coaster but hopefully these days will start to out number the 'mental!!!!' days.

And remember partytime, as my mum reminded me last week, you are picking up the pieces without him because you can and will for you DC's. You are the better person.

You are very much not alone! My husband left me and our 2yo DD for OW 7 years ago... and then I lost my job which just about did for me. He has married the OW and they have a new family which when I am feeling low just makes me want to scream "NOT FAIR!!" I got lots of advice from people including being told I need to "move on" and "mustn't let myself become bitter", problem is emotions have a tendency to just happen. I found that denying how you feel is very unhelpful but facing the emotion and out loud acknowedging how you feel helps take the energy out of it and helps put it back in the box... I'm a really down to earth type so this does sound flaky even to me but it helped!
Well over a 3 year period I rebuilt my life got a completely new house in a complelty new area with a different career and I'm doing well! But when I'm being honest what I went through did change me, I haven't been able to even look at a man since and it destroyed my confidence. I have just had to learn to live with the new, very single, me. Sorry thats not a very positive post but I just wanted to let you know their is light at the end of the tunnel.... it just might not be the light you saw before.
Best wishes.....

Thanks, I know I will manage because I can, I am a capable independent person anyway, and I know I am the better person as I would never treat anyone the way I have been treated by him and OW, with such a lack of respect and cruelty.
Hope things get better for you too.

So many of us in the same hateful situation. How many of you still as the pitiful "what have I done to deserve this?".

I will reread these posts again later and hope that all the reasoning on here will sink in to me because I'm at the 3 months since we separated stage. H is not with first mistress (she dumped him as soon as she'd found out he'd left me). He confessed of his affair (which I had suspected and confronted him about for a number of months, but gave plausible lies, sorry excuses), took him back - this was last October - because I loved him so much and then 2nd Jan he left saying I couln't 'move on'. God I hate that term. Of course he was the one who couldn't move on - was still infatuated with the OW even knowing she was never going to leave her partner of 20 years, but he thought he was going to be the one for her.

So we separated, I kicked off the divorce proceedings last week because he is now proudly flaunting mistress no.2 around. The man has no shame.

Has nothing to do with our DD (17) - this new slut (and this from members of his family) has 3 children who he spends time with. I hate him for this.

Mediation on the horrible finances start later this week. He is out of work - lost 2 jobs because of the first mistress (she was a client of his) and really just can't be bothered. Gets legal aid whereas I have to pay for everything, even though I have no money. How can life we SO unfair?

We barely speak, and like so many of you when I do have to have contact with him it really sets me back.

Big hug to everyone in this terrible situation - we will come through it smiling, simply because we deserve to.

Hang on to that thought Annieoz. Most of the time I have this belief in 'the greater good' and that one day, maybe not for a long time, it wll become obvious that all this crap was for a reason. And when that happens I will be in a much better place and my husband will realise what an absolute mess he made of his and our lives. Thats what I think most of the time, other times I just think why me???!!!!! give me a break!!!!! and then I get a grip and look at my wonderful DCs. Coming on here of course makes you realise too that there are loads of us in similar situations and that I am not the only one to make a poor choice of husband.

Hang on in there. 3 months is such a short time. I did and said such crazy things in first 3 months which my friends now remind me of now and we have a good laugh. I never thought I'd laugh about this horrible situation so there is hope! Take care.