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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need to talk about this or will go insane!!

23 replies

40inlove · 08/04/2010 14:13

I have posted on this site before and found it to be invaluable for getting advice on a serious situation I found myself in last month. Now I find myself in another life changing situation and am bursting to talk about it.
Let me start with some background info. I am 40 in 2 days, I have been married for 11 years and have three great kids. My marriage has always been pretty solid and happy. My dh and I have always had a close relationship and are great friends, have wonderful fun together and enjoy socialising and partying together. The sex in our marriage though has been erratic to say the least. Sometimes going for six months without sex and then breaking the fast with a week of it! I don't know if it is something to do with my age but three weeks ago I could barely sleep, eat or function properly as all I could think about was sex! DH was not feeling the same way unfortunately and I ended up looking online at chat rooms, something I have NEVER even thought of doing but liked the idea of chatting anonomously with some strange man in another country without any feelings of guilt. I joined the site on a thursday and had some chats with guys, some of which got quite steamy and were surprisingly erotic. I answered an email from a man who was instantly different as he did not start with the line"are you horny"!! we chatted and he told me he was home sick and was feeling a bit sorry for himself. It went from there and we chatted online for six hours that day, nine the next, seven the next. We were completely besotted with each other. We found that we were completley compatible in every way, and that we love the same things and dislike the same things. Every relationship I have ever been in, including my marriage, I have always found I needed to make some sort of compromise. I have interests that my DH doesn,t have and that was fine, but this man does and it is so wonderful to chat about them with him. To cut a long, long story short after a week of chatting online constantly we decided to talk on the phone. It was incredible, we talked from midnight one night my DH was away and I hung up eventually at 7 as had to get the kids up for school! We knew that it was inevitable that we met and arranged to meet for a drink last Sunday, (he lives an hour from me). Well all I can say is that when we met I nearly burst into tears! he is exactly what I love in a man, tall, dark, handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, SINGLE. We ended up driving like lunatics back to his place and had the most incredible sex I have ever experienced. I know this sounds like a mills and boon book but I am telling you all this is exactly as it happened. I saw him on Tuesday for a walk and yesterday told my DH I had a school meeting and went back to his place and spent the evening with him again. We were discussing the online chats, the phone calls and now the meetings and reckon we have covered in three weeks what most couples take six months or more to discover about each other. I feel real and genuine love for this man and he does for me. I have always been very pro-family and have always been very critical of people who have affairs especially where kids are involved but I feel so removed from my real life at the moment. All I can think about is this man, being with him, chatting with him online, texting him, (We send about 30 texts a day), what is going on here? is it love? what the hell am I going to do?

OP posts:

sadstory · 08/04/2010 14:20

Oh god.

If this is real, you are so going to regret this.

If your relationship with your dh is as good as you say it is in your OP, please don't throw it away for what is essentially a fantasy.

I know how addictive it can be to found attractive after so long "off the market". Believe me, I know, and it's going to take me a long long time to heal.

You know nothing of this man other than what he has told you. He could have been spinning you a right yarn in order to get into your knickers - and it worked.

Of course, it could be all unicorns and rainbows - in which case, good luck to you.

You're going to need it...

SouthDevonDelight · 08/04/2010 14:21

Hello 40 - just a quick question as this sounds remarkably similar to something I recall reading here a while ago - was this man called Martin?

Cadelaide · 08/04/2010 14:29

"We were discussing the online chats, the phone calls and now the meetings and reckon we have covered in three weeks what most couples take six months or more to discover about each other".

There's your answer, in a couple of weeks you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. Just hope you haven't lost your family in the meantime.

Malificence · 08/04/2010 14:33

Oh dear.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 14:34

what cadelaide said

there is no fool like an up-coming-midlife-crisis fool.....

Original poster

40inlove · 08/04/2010 14:34

Sadstory, i Know it sounds unreal but all of it is true. I have been to his place and he is obviously single, and honestly beleive that I know him so well through our many hours of conversation that he could not be in anyway stringing me along. He has got into mt knickers as you say, but it is so much more than that i feel. It is interesting that you mention feeling attractive after so long off the market because I do think that is alot to do with it. I have felt like a wife and a mother for so long that feeling like a lover again is addictive. Did you have a similar experience?

Southdevon - no his name is Patrick,and we llive in Ireland! but will look for the other thread if you remember it.

OP posts:

sadstory · 08/04/2010 14:36

Not quite - mine was an emotional affair that developed from a friendship. No sex, but lots of declarations of love and plenty of angst. It's all come to nothing and I'm very very hurt. So is my marriage.

You will be too, I think.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 14:36

lots of Patricks in Ireland

quiet a few creatures that live under bridges too...

sadstory · 08/04/2010 14:38

Hmm.

I was thinking that, AF.

Time to move on, I think...

DuelingFanjo · 08/04/2010 14:38

if you're not happy with your husband leave.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 14:39

move along folks...

...nothing to see here....

Original poster

40inlove · 08/04/2010 14:41

Anyfucker, I have thought that myself. Could this be just that? a mid life crisis? Only problem is I do feel we have so much in common, much more so than with my dh. Could this not just be two people finding each other too late? He has been single for five years, never married and had almost given up on finding someone, he does not come across as a player iykwim.
cadelaide, you could be right too. It has been so incredibly intense that maybe it will burn out quickly too. am so confused!

OP posts:

legscrossed · 08/04/2010 14:43

the grass isnt always greener, sometimes is dead..............

prh47bridge · 08/04/2010 14:45

On the assumption this is real...

I destroyed my first marriage when I thought I'd found my soulmate. A few weeks after my divorce became final she dumped me for another man. To this day I regret the damage it did to my children and the pain I put my wife through.

You are living a fantasy. It feels wonderful. It seems like he shares all your interests, likes and dislikes (although he probably doesn't). Think how stifling that would be in a full time relationship - nothing to call your own.

If this relationship continues it will settle down and become more normal. You will start to find the differences. You will have arguments. It will no longer be so magical.

By then it may already be too late. You may have damaged your marriage beyond repair. Will the new man want to take on you and your children on a full time basis? He may say that he will but are you sure he will follow through when the crunch comes?

Your husband and your children will get hurt by the fallout if this carries on, and so will you.

Get out now. Change your number, block him online, do whatever you have to but cut him out of your life completely. Forever.

It is a fantasy. It isn't reality. It won't work.

WhoIsAsking · 08/04/2010 14:47

wankety blah blah

overmydeadbody · 08/04/2010 14:49

as if

RunawayWife · 08/04/2010 14:53

The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence but believe me it grows in the same compost

BaggyAgy · 08/04/2010 18:34

Hmmm, which chat site was it? Sounds damned good.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/04/2010 20:29

It's only going to end in tear's and most likely it will be your's.

baluchi · 08/04/2010 20:39

Oh dear, 40inlove. Dare I suggest you go and sit down with a nice strong cup of tea?

Frostywinds · 08/04/2010 21:30

Hi 40inlove,

I can really empathise with your high-passion feelings. I've had this kind of thing a few times in my life, however, not all of these turned into successful life partnership (obviously!). I bet you have felt this passionately about something/someone before, even if when you last did you were 21. I suppose what I'm saying is that even if we are certain that This Is It, we are sometimes completely wrong.

Feeling the way you do is so understandable: life was dull, this is exciting, and now you are pumping with high chemicals. The problem is, this relationship is incredibly flimsy despite what you feel, while the hurt you maybe about to cause to yourself and those around you would be deep and longlasting.

You do have my sympathy though, because you've landed yourself in a very physically addictive place. Lust is very powerful!

OrmRenewed · 08/04/2010 21:35

prh47! You're a bloke? Sorry for hijack but I didn't know

40 - what is your DH and your DC doing all this time? Are they wondering what has happened to their wife/mum, and do you care?

Frostywinds · 08/04/2010 21:57

'All I can think about is this man, being with him, chatting with him online, texting him, (We send about 30 texts a day), what is going on here? is it love? what the hell am I going to do? '

OK, without wishing to patronise you, you are not being rationally yourself. You are being: real you + crazy lust hormones. Basically, you are chemically inbalanced. Now if you were single, it might well be a good idea to push on with this as these hormones can iron out differences ('wow, we're exactly the same!') and make us ignore faults ('he is exactly what I love in a man'). This is how Mother Nature gets us to cement relationships and differentiate between our commitment to our mate and our involvement with every other member of the tribe. These are the chemicals that elevate someone above everything else - you're putting him on a pedestal not because the hormones are telling you to. And you are letting them dictate you even though you are not single.

Lust is a tough adversary, but you can still win this, if you actually want to. If I were you I'd stop to draw breath. If this is what you really want then at least take 24hrs out from texting/any contact and start having some thinking time, away from the high of just having received a text, sent one, or anticipating getting one. Cool it enough to get a bit of a handle on things at least. You sound quite mad with it all!

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