extended families

[twinkerbell]

My dh and I have been together for a number of years and had alot to deal with throughout the entire time with 3 redundancies and the subsequent debt, a step child (dh son),a very difficult ex partner (step sons mother) and very interfereing extended family(dh parents and family).
We have now reached what feel like a stalemate where I am so sick of the lying and shit stuirring from his mother and sister in law and ex that I have totoally withdrawan from the whole family, we moved away from them 3 years ago and for me it has been much better as I dont have to see them anymore but for him I apprecitae its very difficult ans he says he feels sick of being stuck in the middle. this has cause d alot of arguments lately and a lot of distance which led both me and dh to get a little too close to other people and we split up for 2 months. We both agreed this wasnt what we wanted but are really struggling to resolve things and get back on track. is it possible to be happy with your wife having no relationship with your family?

I apologise for terrible typing...keep being interrupted by dd

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anyone else not get on with dh family? how do you BOTH manage it?

BUMP I really need some support here, I KNOW Im not the onll one who has a very difficult in laws and ex's to deal with.
Is this something you can learn to live with and how?????

Hi twinkerbell - I would say yes, it is possible, albeit not ideal - it is unfortunate for your dh, but I think that perhaps he should be a bit more assertive when it comes to dealing with his ex and her family - he needs to set boundries and let them know what is acceptable and what not.

It is not fair on you that your relationship and life with your dh is being poisoned by the ex family - I understand that you and your dh will always have contact with them, because of your step-son, but personally I would limit it to the absolute bare minimum.

If possible, your dh should have a very formal relationship with them - not rude or cold, just formal - let them gossip and stir and do whatever they feel they need to do - don't be affected or get involved in defending yourself in their sqabbles - one cannot fight against yourself - if you and your dh do not repond to their nastiness or do not retaliate, they will eventually run out of steam and look for another target.

In the meantime create a positive and rewarding life for yourself together with your dh - life is too short to put up with other people's sh*t - you only have one life, make the most of it - you and your dh deserves it.

thankyou for a really good reply!

Last night we again got into a bit of a heated discussion about it and I said that I needed him to promise me that the next ten years wasn't going to be like that last, that he was going to make me and our daughter his priority as we were his family unit and his future.
I am so sick of is mum and his ex texting him and calling him when they know I am at work etc and I feel like I am in a marriage with all of them, as I said last night, I married him and not his past.

what does his mother do? Is she siding with his ex?

I think to some extent you have to accept that his ex will always be in his life and will always need to be able to contact him because of their children together but you shouldn't have to be on the receiving end of crap from his parents.

Is there any way that you can build a relationship with his mum? Does she play an active role in the life of the daughter you have together?

his mum is a lovely nanna to our daughter although now we have moved away only see her monthly when my dh goes down to have contact with his son.
His mum says she only stays friends with dh's ex for the sake of the grandson but for some reason that friendship involves telling her whenever me and dh are having problems,
(which of course she loves) sending her copies of our wedding photos!!!!
chatting to her on the phone in front of me which I find really insulting, being her agony aunt about her current relationships,
which considering she has several affairs behind my husbands back, one resulting in terminated preganancy and rippeed him off for over £20,000 in loans which she got out in his name without him knowing, which WE had to pay off over 5 years. I dont understand why any of them talk to eachother at all nevermind in the manner that they do.

I just feel its easier to have nothing to do with any of them as I can't trust any of them

Hi again twinkerbell - you must remember that your dh's mother and his ex have a shared history - they were once 'mother and daughter', so they are bound to have contact.

I agree with you though, it is strange that your MIL wants to keep contact with her, especially since she has hurt your dh with her numerous affairs and bad behaviour - in fact I find that very odd, but never mind.

Is your FIL still around? Perhaps your MIL is lonely and enjoys the interaction with your dh's ex, perhaps they had a very close relationship before the ex started bonking around? Perhaps she is overcompensating, because she is scared of losing contact with her grandson.

Whatever the reason, it is not fair on you or your dh. He has left his ex and has started a new family - you and you new little family should be his first priority.

It is also possible that your MIL is not aware that her actions are affecting you. Maybe sit her down over a cup of tea or take a walk and tell her. Say to her that you do not expect her to break contact with the ex, but that you would be very grateful if she would stop discussing you with her - tell her that you would love to have a close relationship with her - tell her that it would only be possible if you could trust her not to repeat what you have told her to others - tell her that you love her son with all your heart and that his happiness is important to you - tell her that he has been very unhappy about being cought in the middle and that it has affected your relationship with him - ask her if she has any suggestions about how you can all try and make the situation better.

If talking with her doesn't help, then I am afraid that you are going to have to just endure it - as you only see your MIL once a month, it should hopefully not be too hard.

If at all possible, invite your MIL over to stay for a week or so, every now and again, so that the two of you can start building your own relationship away from all the other negative influences.

Good luck.

"you and you new little family should be his first priority."

His son should also be a high priorty though and because of that it's only natural that he and his mother would keep in touch with his ex. It's unavoidable really. He can't put his new family's needs above that of his older child.

What he needs to do perhaps is stop sharing with his mother everytime he and the OP have a relationship issue. That is assuming that it is he who is passing this info on?

Maybe have a word with your DH about not sharing so much of what should stay within the marriage with his mum. That way she won't be able to pass on anything to the EX.

Hi DuelingFanjo - You are right, his son should of course be high on his list of priorities, but as he only sees him once a month, I would imagine that it is quite difficult at times to do so. Maybe the OP can have him over on alternate weekends or for the holidays.

have told MIL exactly how i feel about her behaviour and her discussing our private marital issues and our wedding with his ex and that after everything she has done to him and me since we got together I dont understand why she would wants to talk to her at all. I don't see her every month, I used to as they often used to bring step son up to us for the contact weekend but I banned it last year after dh's ex made loads of false allegations against me which I almost lost my job over.
Now I saw them at christmas and thats about the only time in about the last 10 months.
I dont wish to have anything to do with them now, FIL is still alive and he is lovely but doesnt have a clue as to half what goes on.
MIL and I used to get along quite well but now we dont speak at all. I think its bets I just withdraw altogether. I just dont wnat to lose my husband over it

maybe think about un-banning the visits? It's not his son's fault that his mum is a loon.

Do you think maybe she doesn't speak to you because you banned her from coming up with her grandson?

Don't let the ex get to you like this. You could withdraw but wouldn't that make it even harder for your husband?

she made allegations about me abusing her son! so no I am not prepared to put myself at risk again by being with him. He went along with it at first!

I have never banned MIL from coming up and we always used to have quite a nice time when she came up here.

I think its very sad that it has ended up as bad as it has but none of it has been my doing really and my avoiding contact at all now, is a case of self preservation. I just wish it wasnt like that and I wish my husband would understand

I wouldn't stop your husband contacting his ex about his son and seeing his son as often as he can. The MIL sounds out of order though. Gossipping about you isn't on and I would have very little to do with her. Living a 3 hour drive away can be excellent for that sort of thing.
I wouldn't stop your husband phoning her but would ask him not to tell her about your arguments/ anything personal etc if she uses it against you. My bloke is so private though I'm amazed some blokes discuss that sort of thing, so if you're not the one telling your MIL your business I'd advise him to stick to discussing his job and the weather.
Encourage the wee boy though. Boys benefit from a good relationship with their dads.

thanks 2rebecca, he does tend to tell his mum a lot because they are quite close, she texts him and calls him quite alot. She is a smoothering mother, an only child so her sons and husband are everything I guess. I just hate the fact she passes things onto dh's ex as she knows its just ammunition for her to stir things.

here is an example of what goes on- last weekend my step son was picked up MIL for the weekend, they knew dh would not be going down for easter as he only has the sunday and monday off and I also had it off, first time we had 2 days off together for 6 weeks so he told them he would see his son on the normal set weekend which is this on coming!
They picked him up anyway, he quickly came down with chicken pox-sat night!, they called his mother to tell her. monday they called to say he was quite poorly and needed to go home to her (his mum), she didnt answer the phone, in fact she didnt answer the phone until the following SAT! they had him for 8 days with chicken pox at age 64 and 70! My husband was furious but she wouldnt answer phone to him either. My brother in law called my dh and said it was out of order leaving him there with the grandparents to cope with ...............
This is the kind of crap that happens all the time.

Agree with DF above, his son and daughter should be a high priority. He was a father to his son before you came along and you and he created your 'new little family'. If you and he ever split up I'm sure you would hope and expect he would always see the needs of your daughter as a high priority so its right that his son should be an equal priority.

You don't understand why his ex and his mum keep in contact, well they have a shared history and share a son / grandson.

I undertsand fully why they all have to be in contact just not in the way that they are.
I do understand that they were there before me and our daughter but also that dh's ex is the one who left him for someone else and its not his job to pay for the fact that it didnt work out so now she is on her own. Also the fact that they were never married and the baby was the unexpected result of a holiday romance that even she admist was a mistake

I also understand that me and dh have to work full time so our 'time' is very limited as we both work shifts in our professions
where as dh's ex doesnt work so has all her time to herself and her son and its her choice not to work as he is 10 and can go to before/after school club as we checked that out.

I met someone who was single, who said his ex left and is happy with someone else and it was never going to work under the circumstances, he see's his son every other weekend and its all sorted. Its a completely different situation now, her life has fallen apart so she seems hell bent on making our marriage and life the same