Help me talk this through - don't know what to do

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

'Friend' (A) does lots of mean things over the period of a year. I give up trying to make things up with her after trying about a million times. Then she makes friends with my other friends. States on FB she wants to make things up, but doesn't specify with me.

At the same time her DH asks another close friend (B), in front of all my other friends (when I'm not there) what A's done to upset me. I now look like the unkind one. B doesn't tell me until she kind of has to because of a particular conversation we have, because she doesn't want to 'stir' but

I feel betrayed that she hasn't told me. I now feel A is poisoning my other friendships. I can't avoid her.

Social situations are now very awkward and I've got to do something to fix it, but our friendship is, I feel, completely unfixable.

I don't know how to make social situations less awkward because I've gone beyond the point where I can pretend to be friendly with her.

Help!

I would pretend. Pretend you like her, pretend to be civil, pretend all is ok, keep it shallow and polite, but know deep down that she is and cannot be a true friend to you.

Otherwise you will have to go around all your mutual friends telling them the truth as you see it and will be seen to be a stirer.

BUT challenge things with her that you think she has said about you if they occur.

As she is a 'fake' friend it won;t matter so much.

So the issue is that A and her DH are making it look like you've just dropped her friendship for no good reason, and you're worried that your other friends will think you're just a callous cow because of it? Is that right?

Do you have any reason to think that your other friends are 'siding' with her, or think less of you?

TBH, if I knew two of my friends had fallen out, and then one of their DHs asked me if I knew why, I'd just be vague about it, move on, and not really think about it again. I don't really understand why B saw it as stirring, either. Isn't it just A's DH asking what happened?

cyb - without overtly 'agreeing' to make it up? Just be pretend friendlier in company?

tortoise - yes, that's it. No, my other friends, while becoming more friendly with her on their own terms, which I don't have a problem with, seem to be fine with me.

B says she thought she'd be stirring the situation between A and me if she told me that her DH had spoken to her. Also, I think she felt I'd be upset that she'd been all tipsy and giggly with them at the occassion when the question was asked(rightly, but that doesn't mean I can't cope with knowing or that I'd get the hump!).

having been in a vaguely similar situation, I would say be polite, but not overfriendly, and bide your time, her true colours will out in time if she's a mean person. I am also unsure about whether A's H was deliberately stirring - you would expect A's H to be on A's side iyswim - either out of loyalty or out of the spin A presents to her own husband on things.

I would agree with the others, MRs W. Be polite and civil in company. Keep her at arms length. Surely your other friends know the kind of person you are, and would not automatically believe her version of events over yours. I wouldn't badmouth her to your circle, and I'd keep things vague if anyone asks you straight out.

A's H is a harmless buffoon - just a complete twit. Point is, whether it was intentional or not, they have managed to make it look like I'm the mean one. I don't think, from the way my friends were with my yesterday, that it's had that effect, thankfully, but I'm concerned that either she knows how she's behaved and therefore is unlikely to change, or doesn't realise how she's behaved and is also, therefore, unlikely to change! So no way am I restarting a proper friendship with her. And agree with no badmouthing.

But I'm just not coping when incidents happen - I suffer from depression anyway, so the paranoia symptoms (which I recognise are just symptoms) go sky-high when I hear of her having a good time with my friends and I have to talk myself down, which I do. But it's hard being so emotional so frequently.

I'd really like to just run away from it all - move house to another county and never have to see her again, or be in the situation again. I know that's not the answer, but I can't help dreaming of it!

I've learnt to be more cautious with how I let friendships develop now - not stand-offish, just more tentative now. I should have listened - my mum said she found A difficult to get on with, so did DH, and the DCs didn't like her. I just kept persisting for some reason - maybe felt sorry for her. She's got low self-esteem and a clear need for as many friends as possible, but can't cope with 'big' feelings so couldn't cope with me suffering from depression, I think.

Gah! All coming out now!

yes, I can identify with much of that, but I'm afraid teeth-gritting and moral highground are what is called for here. have you ever had or read about CBT, as CBT can be very useful for talking yourself down in these situations - to get you out of the cycle of uber negative thoughts.

MrsWobble I agree with the others, just be polite and civil but distance yourself emotionally from her.

I don't think she has necessarily made it look like you are the mean one or you have done something wrong by the H asking your friend that question.

Try not to think about it too much or worry about it, at the end of the day your true friends won't be swayed by what she does or does not say, people like her are just emotionally manipulative, without really even being aware that they are, so you're better off just rising above it and distancing yourself emotionally.

Yes, I've read about CBT. I'm working on meditating and becoming more conscious and it is helping enormously. I've thought myself out of many unrelated to OP meltdowns over the last few weeks because of it.

And, just thought I'd make it clear, I've not been paranoid about her meanness over the last year - I even wrote it all down to see if I was 'making it up' and I am totally not - there are so many things that however you look at them, they can only be construed as mean.

OMDB - it was more the attempt by her to take the moral highground, announcing on FB that she wants a truce, and that I don't want one (sorry, trying to explain the update without writing it word for word!), and then her DH saying 'What has MrsW done to upset A?'.

I'm tempted (although there is no way I would) to put in my own status update, in a lovely Jeremy Kyle way, a whole load of reasons why I may not want a truce and what she's done to upset me. Would be cathartic but unhelpful, and self-destructive, but I can dream!

Your last para is very helpful to me in my thinking - thank you for taking the time to compose it.

Oh no, I wasn't hinting that you were being para about her meanness. OMDB advice is very good - in my situation it took me a long time not to be furious at the dishonesty of the other person, wasted emotional energy, if you can shortcut that process in anyway, so much the better.

Didn't think you were, Total - just worried that someone would infer that!

And agree about wasted energy - and wasted sleep!

It sounds rather like you've got yourself out of an abusive relationship and are still dealing with the aftermath. Your worry that others won't believe you about the meanness, and that she's spreading rumours about you and causing trouble with others, and the stress when you have to encounter her. Plus her own behaviour in behaving that way and then wanting a truce.

I think you have to look at it the same way you would a nasty breakup. Defriend her from facebook, ask your other friends not to tell you about seeing her (if you can - not to make it a choice between you, just don't filter things back), avoid as much as possible. It'll get easier.

Tortoise - I would love to do all that but I can't avoid her! There is no way I can go without seeing her socially for many years to come, so I have to find a way to manage this other than just cutting her out of my life.